Baby Names for the Unprepared

I came across a baby name generator where you could search for a name based on its meaning, like “Gift from God,” or “Blessing.” It got me thinking. What if you gave your offspring a name based on how you were really feeling when you found out you were pregnant?

Let’s explore.

1. I am way too old for this shit.
Maybe you’ve never been a mom, or already have a few kids in the stable. You are not quite “ma’am,” but you’re definitely not “miss” either. Frankly, the last time you were carded, Clinton was in office. Suggestions, ancient one? Flavia, Lavinia, or Sappho for a girl. Dacien, Bastien, or Kennon for a boy.

2. What the eff just happened??
You woke up one morning and POW! You were struck by tender breasts and morning sickness. This pregnancy has hit you like a Mack truck and you can’t get to the bathroom fast enough to satisfy your constant urge to pee. Suggestions for the strong and fierce: Zenobia, Karma, or Larkin for a girl. Fergus, Connolly, or Lorkin for a boy.

3. What fresh hell is this? I just had a baby!
Sometimes, the universe just laughs at you. I have a friend who tried FOREVER to get a pregnant, and when she did, she had three kids in as many years. She is an amazing mother and friend, but that didn’t mean she had planned to have her litter back-to-back. Suggestions for those being tested repeatedly: Azami, Maxine, and Nissa for a girl. Maxon, Andreas, or Paramesh for a boy.

4. I will need a village to raise this kid. 
Good or bad, babies are stress. There are the hallucinations caused by lack of sleep, the odor of barf that permeates your very being, and the nursery rhymes you sing tunelessly for hours on end. Suggestions to those who enjoy community support: Oneida, Zan, or Indah for a girl. Josiah, Kaniel, or Lintang for a boy.

5. Hurray, prenatal vitamin constipation! Again!
Your body goes to hell in a hand basket when you’re pregnant, and if this ain’t your first rodeo, your mind races straight to the havoc your unborn spawn will do to your physique. Suggestions for the beaten, stretched and fried: Cadence, Havilah, or Leatrice for a girl. Negasi, Fritz, or Ziggy for a boy.

6. But, I just got rid of everything!
You decided that your family was complete, or you resigned yourself to the fact that you weren’t going to have any more kids. Baby clothes, cribs, and Bumbos were all sold in a garage sale. Your best friend got your maternity clothes. Of course, the universe giggled and decided you needed another baby. Probably doing you a favor, really. Those maternity clothes were really out of style. Suggestions for those who are lacking and empty: Zella, Aud, or Azila for a girl. Erasmus, Didier, or Cupid for a boy.

7. Time to pull on my big girl panties.
You are one determined mamajama; a female Barney Stinson, if you will. When you need to, you will suit up and get things done. Watch out world, Mama Bear is rolling a tank down Main Street. Suggestions for our determined leaders: Delaney, Elva, or Fallon for a girl. Guido, Wilmer, or Fallon for a boy.

Now, since we just got real with how you may be feeling now that you’re pregnant, let me give you these words of advice.

One: Rock it out mama, and love that baby with all your might; it’s worth it.

Two: Don’t name your kid Lintang or Cupid. You’re setting them up for a life of wedgies.

Carrie Groves

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