Just when you thought you had no one to turn to for parenting advice, Mattel created Hello Barbie. This hooker shaped artificial intelligence toy talks to your brood using the internet as her source of information. Thank you, Mattel.

There is no need to feel intimidated by tough parenting decisions any longer. Hello Barbie has the answers at her disposal. Your spawn will no longer ask you if they can play another 3 hours of Minecraft. Barbie knows. She also knows if they can consume an entire box of crackers 5 minutes before dinner. Never play the bad guy again!

With a tween boy and a teen girl, I have added two Hello Barbies to our Christmas list. Now, when I am asked a question I can tell them to go ask Barbie, or even better, just point to the plastic hussy and she can field these gems:

  • What does queef mean Barbie?
  • What is that smell?
  • How do I insert a tampon?

All the kids’ hardest questions are solved with this one timely solution. You can go back to your Facebook and your Netflix and rid yourselves of pesky queries like:

  • Can I wear blue eyeshadow to school?
  • What was that buzzing sound coming from your room, mom?
  • How do you do long division again?

Even questions you would never have to field are handled with aplomb.

  • When will my breasts be fully developed, Barbie?
  • How often is too often to masturbate in a day?

I am even thinking of putting a tiny plastic bitch under the tree for my husband. I can usher commands like:

  • Talk dirty to my husband for me, Barbie.
  • Remind my husband that the dishes aren’t going to wash themselves, Barbie.

The added bonus of this new technology is that Mattel is listening in on your kids. Our little cherubs will be ‘spot monitored’ to ensure that the answers Barbie is giving are in keeping with the questions. So you can feel comfortable that when your daughter asks Barbie if it is ok to sleep with her boyfriend if they just sleep and it answers “Yes”, the program will be updated the next time she asks and the answer will be “No”. Eventually Barbie can be counted on to give the right answer. That is just good parenting there.

For a mere $75, you too can have Hello Barbie do all your dirty work while you sit back and enjoy the spoils. For those nay-sayers who are saying “Hell No” to Hello Barbie, I have one question for you: Is selling out your kids’ privacy not worth the extra few episodes of The Good Wife and a glass of wine? They are already posting their life on Snap Chat which disappears before you can audit it. At least this Barbie thing is monitored by an adult, kind of.

For me, I am planning to say Hello to Hello Barbie this holiday season and goodbye to saying ‘Are you fucking kidding me?’ every time the kids ask me a question from the other room. Instead say “Just ask Barbie.” Think of her as a shorter, better stacked and more patient version of yourself and enjoy your wine and Netflix. Just ask Barbie what she recommends you watch.

Kristine Laco
Author

Kristine Laco shares the stories we all have with a splash of sarcasm, a pinch of bitch and a ton of wine at Adulting In Progress dot com. Her middle finger is her favourite and she lives by the motto that if you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them. She takes selfies at the gyno. Taco Tuesday is her gospel. Reality TV is real folks. She is making turning 50 a job because she doesn't have one.

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