I had three daughters who spent most of their childhood playing with Barbie dolls and having tea parties. In the Spring of 2002 Mother Nature blessed me with a bouncing baby boy. I looked up at the good lord and said: “What the hell am I supposed to do with this?” I didn’t know anything about boys, nevertheless what the heck they played with. I was petrified that he would have gender identification issues growing up, so I flooded him with these Hot Wheels cars saying,… he’ll figure it out.

The kid was surrounded by Barbie dolls and American Girl dolls, there was really no hope for him. He kept taking the girls’ Barbies and quite frankly I began to get a little nervous, also I was going broke because these plastic goddesses kept going missing and the only remnants of them were their little Barbie heads that would be found, (at 3AM when you stepped on one in the middle of the night when you had to pee). Six months into it I had about 30 heads, bodies nowhere to be found and I was in the process of looking for a really good psychiatrist for him(me) and hoarding my food shopping money for bail money for the future… I even opened up a college(bail) account for him… did it and cleverly disguised it as a Christmas Club account and got a free Turkey serving tray.

Anyway, I was cleaning out the sandbox at the end of the summer and found all the bodies! Yes!!!!  I started to sweat profusely and began looking for juvenile homes that served Kraft macaroni and cheese.

One day my son asked if I wanted to play with him in the sandbox. Since I had been sleeping with one eye opened and shopping for orange onesies I said “sure.” I brought my taser gun and a juice box for bargaining leverage and off I went.

The boy took a freshly decapitated Barbie, covered her with sand and proceeded to run over her with his matchbox cars. See, Barbies perfectly perky boobies, when covered in sand make a precise “whoop dee do” terrain for a car. Actually, a real Mattel Barbie is made to last at least 37 run overs before their chests become sanded down and look like a Ken doll. He 4 wheeled over Barbie’s boobies for about 2 hours! Winter came and I replaced the sandbox with a cookie tray with flour and he was set. Happy Anniversary Matchbox, you will always have a special place in my heart.

Allison Stewart – Mysterious Pen Name


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