Jo-Bri Milk is an entrepreneurial venture out of Houston, Texas making the news of late. The owner, Joey, began the business as a way to save a little of her breastmilk in a heartfelt jewellery piece. Once she learned the trick to making her secret sauce, she started offering other people the service and expanding her jewellery line to include rings, necklaces, and earrings. She has been successful in developing a website and sickening a Facebook community of over 11,000 members. She was featured on Fox News but then in a surprising twist, ABC and now CBS have run the story.

These articles enjoyed a landslide of  interest from a most unusual fan.*

“I have had many lactation fantasies, so I could not stop myself from pouring over the Jo Bri Milk Charms website,” Dick Longenhard told this reporter. “Her tit yogurt charms really provided the stimulus for my own company,” he added. Mr. Longenhard’s background is in internet porn.

“I didn’t originally expect to start my own jewellery company, but when I called Joey to see if she would make me a breastmilk ring-pop, the phone connection kept cutting out,” he continued, his frustration visible. “Then I thought, maybe she would do me a solid and make a spunk pearl. I don’t understand why she started crying.”

Mr. Longenhard started his own business “Bri Jo Milk Makes Me Hard” (aka BJ MMM Hard) to corner the market on men’s semen jewelry. “I asked if Joey would get into the semen game and we just couldn’t cum to an understanding.”

With an obvious opening in the bodily fluid jewelry market, “I grabbed at the opportunity and am now making Jizz Ring-Pops,” Longenhard says he is so far keeping up with production.

Although Mr. Longenhard is thankful for the inspiration and continues to visit Joey’s website for what he calls ‘market research’, he was quick to sum up his disappointment that the joint venture was not to be. “Why should Joey have all the fun? She is making money from something that costs her nothing. I got nothing,” he added pointing to his crotch rocket. Mr. Longenhard’s motto for the organization is, “You got Jizz? We got Jewels,” and has received many wonderful accolades from the likes of Mike, Tony, and Alonzo.

Joey is using 1/2 oz of breastmilk for her breastmilk pearls. Mr. Longenhard needs at least 1.5 ounces of man mayo to complete a pop. “The hardest part is the hardest part,” Mr. Longenhard explains. “I am developing calluses now, so it should get easier soon. What I wouldn’t give to be ambidextrous!”

Joey was unavailable for comment at the time of this report.


* From here, the author reminds you that satire is defined as the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices. There is no proven way to make ring-pops out of jizz to this author’s knowledge.


Kristine Laco shares the stories we all have with a splash of sarcasm, a pinch of bitch and a ton of wine at Adulting In Progress dot com. Her middle finger is her favourite and she lives by the motto that if you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them. She takes selfies at the gyno. Taco Tuesday is her gospel. Reality TV is real folks. She is making turning 50 a job because she doesn't have one.


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  2. Satire is always best when it’s most believable. That’s why, in spite of the disclaimer at the end, I wouldn’t be surprised if ring-pops made from jizz are real.

    But I’m going to cling to the hope that in this case life never imitates art.

  3. This is awesome. I highly approve. It’s just a matter of type before all types of bodily fluids become used in art or jewelry. Coming soon– snot from baby’s first cold saved in a clear locket made from Swarovski crystal. Adorable!

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