You Can Be Anything You Want – And Other Lies

When I was a young sprite, I dreamt of my future with an excitement that can only be felt, not explained.

Although I dreamt of being a Mom, and rich, (duh) those were mere products of the much more exciting, fulfilling life of my dreams. I dreamt of working, advancing, being the best at whatever it was that I did. Sometimes it was a Lawyer, or a Pop Star or even a Songwriter, Painter or Actress. I always saw myself doing something creative, and being widely recognized and rewarded for it…. naturally.

 As I grew older, and my interests and talents presented themselves, I found myself trying to pinpoint the career that’d provide that life of my dreams to me. Again, creatively motivated, I tried to finagle my way around the “standard” way of doing things. Who needs a University degree anyway, right?

When you’re not “book-learning” smart, life has a way of pushing you down the road less travelled, and although the ride can get bumpy and even exciting, you end up quite a ways from the destination you had in mind.

 I wasn’t born into wealth, or privilege. In fact,  it was quite the opposite. We scraped by, and the family I was born into was not the one I was raised by. I didn’t feel like I belonged in either place: I was a hard worker, full of spirit and rebellion, but motivated. I always knew I wanted to see… do… BE more, but it was the getting there that needed to be figured out.

 After high school, I chose the industry of my dreams, a creative one that would surely have a job to suit my eclectic personality and hard-working spirit. I went to the closest thing to college that I could, a career-oriented post-secondary “private” college that offered as much to learn as I was willing to take in. Even if I had wanted to take the traditional route, had gotten the best grades and access to a good University, there’s no doubt in my mind that I wouldn’t have been able to afford it at the time.

This direct-to-industry education seemed the most attainable to me. If I worked hard, really tried, I could still use it to jump-start my career. I knew I was smart, talented and hungry, which seemed like the only things one would need to get where they wanted to be.

Did I get there? I was on my way… but the more I looked around, the more I saw people who had careers (to call them great or successful would be an overstatement) but none of the other elements I longed for: the family, the life. All they had was a lot of work and a lot of fun, but no real fulfillment.

Still, I felt like I was light-years ahead of my beginning. I had set myself on a path, and I was sticking to it. Then, life changed. I fell in love with my new life more than my career. I had a family and that became more important to me than success and months at a time away from everything that I loved. I made the decision to let everything that I had been working toward go, and focus on a new life.

 Now, five years later, I am feeling stuck. Not in my love, or my family, but in my life. I have seen some mediocre success here and there, been able to carve out another career (or two) for myself, yet no matter how hard I try to pull myself up and over the hurdles before me, I can’t seem to.

Behind me is the life from whence I came, the life filled with cheap white bread and broken down cars and people who are so un-educated, un-motivated that they don’t even know what they’re missing, or they do see and then resent it for being so far out of their reach.

Just beyond my reach is the life of achievement. Being able to afford one’s life, people who get to travel and eat out, send their kids to college, pay their bills on time, every month! These people don’t need to worry about the little things, they can afford to go to bulk-buy stores like Costco cause they have a bit of money in the bank for that sort of thing.

Right now, I’m stuck in the mud of life. We own our home, but even that’s generally hanging by a thread. I work hard, day in and out, but always seem to struggle to get by. I can’t afford to put my kids in lessons, send them to expensive daycares or pay all of our bills every month. Yet, no matter how hard I work, how much extra I do, it feels like I’m treading water, and treading water for long periods of time can get pretty exhausting.

 I’ve never felt like the world owes me anything. I knew that everything I got in my life would come from hard work and dedication, but I never realized that there could potentially be a limit to that. That at some point, no matter how hard you work, the system is built to keep you where you are.

Maybe I’ve reached the top of my economic caste, set in place by a society that’s getting more and more difficult to live and flourish in every year. Maybe I’ve plateaued here, and I need to dig my feet in the sand and get comfortable in my mediocrity. Maybe my kids are now the future, and my few steps up the ladder have given them a better shot at making their way to the top. Maybe that break I’ve been looking for is lurking around the next turn.

Maybe there is an asteroid headed for a collision course with earth and none of this self-obsessed nonsense about one’s place in society will even mean anything in a few years. But for now… as Mr. Vonnegut would so aptly put it: “And so it goes.”