Daddy issues

Some of us marry our Fathers. We find that guy who makes us feel like our Dad did. This is where it gets complicated.

If our Dad was warm, supportive, loving and steadfast, we get a good marriage because we seek that out. If Dearest Father was a hot mess of damage in our lives, we probably shouldn’t marry that kind of guy. Yet often we are drawn to that very same thing, or we spend a good deal of time test driving bad boyfriends. A lucky few become self aware enough to actively and deliberately partner with men who are good and solid regardless of lingering Daddy issues. Surely this is something women shouldn’t have to figure out the hard way though is it?

Being a self aware female is a long road, and often doesn’t happen until we have made a series of blunders. Most of them aren’t life threatening, but sometimes they are. We have lots of young women looking for their Daddy, and find a pimp, or an abuser.

What if there was a deep reaching and mandatory psychological assessment in the school system at age 13? What if the girls were able to get some supportive and professional guidance around their  instincts with regards to boys? What if we intervened right at that critical time to see if this girl had her head on straight or if she is dealing with some terrible crap from home? Probably a can of worms nobody wants to open, much less pay for, but what if we could help early?

The time to deal with the issue of selecting partners is right before girls start to engage with boys, not when they are in a shelter at age 22 with toddlers and a broken nose. How do we teach girls and young women to live deliberately and consciously without being at the whim of old damage and skewed instincts?

And what about the Dads? Daughters look to them for safety, protection, and above all, adoration. If we could ask of our men one thing, it should be this: your daughter should feel that she has you completely enamoured, and that in your eyes, she is perfection. She should know that you are helpless in the face of your love for her and treat her that way. A little Daddy spoiling helps her sort through the men who will come into her life.

We could go on for many pages about preparing girls for life. We also don’t talk enough about raising our sons to be good men. How do you teach a young male the complexities of relationships when they spend so much time thinking with the secondary control unit that lives in their pants? How do we teach them that they do not have to act on base instincts, they can develop real love and be safe in that?

It makes me think back to my Grandmother’s advice. It sounded so cliché at the time, but now I know what she meant. “Marry a nice boy”.

Advice with a twist: www.magnoliaripkin.com