I was an addict. I was a drug addict.
It took me a long time to utter those words in my own head, let alone speak them out loud or pen them down.
Looking back on my past as a drug user, I can tell you that we, us ‘addicts,’ never intentionally set out to become that way; we never intended to hurt ourselves, but most of all, we never intended to hurt you.
We are sorry. I am sorry.
Here is how it works: something strikes our lives that is not emotionally or physically bearable, and we seek help. Oftentimes that ‘help’ results in medication. At first, the medication is a welcome reprieve from the pain and torment our bodies and minds endure each day. We are trying to medicate against sad things like the death of a loved one, a physical injury, a disease, or some other emotional or physical burden.
The medication takes us back to the place that we so desperately longed for, the place of ‘normal’. We just want to feel the way everyone else seems to ‘feel’. We want happiness; we want a morning that doesn’t start with pain and agony or mental anguish.
The orange bottle filled with tiny capsules brings us hope each waking morning. That bottle is what gets us out of bed and gives us the motivation to start our day. Without it, we want to fold ourselves delicately into a ball of pathetic mush, crawl into our bed… and sleep. Being awake is half the battle. We want to be alone in the pain. Drug addicts are lonely creatures, mainly because we are jealous of the happiness everyone around us seems to have, yet we cannot seem to find ours. So, we retract from life.
Typical tasks for you, like waking up and washing your hair and brushing your teeth are agony to us. Life becomes mundane. The things that once brought us joy are no longer joyful, they are painful. We watch as everyone laughs and enjoys themselves at family dinners while we focus on ourselves, what our body/mind feels like and how we can correct that feeling.
Here enters the medication–the ‘drugs.’
Drugs dull the pain. It makes life more tolerable and we’re able to laugh and enjoy dinners, family barbecues, and all the things we searched to find happiness in just as we once did. The medication ‘fixes’ that.
We feel better.
We have our lives back, so long as we have that little orange bottle within arm’s reach at all times. We take our medication in a timely manner as prescribed. But it’s not long before the comfort fades away and the pain seeps back in.
In my case, this is where the ‘medication’ became my ‘drug.’
Nine times out of ten, a person suffering from debilitating pain or anxiety is prescribed some sort of controlled substance that is not only addicting, but within a short period of time, we find that it is no longer as effective as it once was. Imagine your first cocktail. Remember the first time you felt that buzz from alcohol? As you’ve aged, that has worn off; three glasses of wine now does what one glass used to. Alcohol may not be the best analogy here, but it is the best and most relatable one I can think of to give you an idea of how this works for us.
Our medication dosage stops working. So, we start taking more. And more. And more.
Before we know it, our prescription refills run out long before we have a renewal script so we are left to improvise. We are aware that this is our fault; we know we shouldn’t have taken more than prescribed, but now we are stuck in a self-perpetuating cycle.…and we cannot get out. Our bodies are dependent on these drugs. Without them, we feel sick; we feel worse than we did before we started down the pharmaceutical path.
Withdrawal is not something I’d wish on my worst enemy. What you see in the movies, the shakes, diarrhea, dripping nose, the sweats; that happens, and it happens bad. It is the scariest and darkest feeling, both mentally and physically.
This is our fault, and we know it. However, we can’t stop.
As soon as that refill is available, the first thing we do is pop as many pills it takes to make that feeling go away. We become numb again and that ‘happiness’ comes back. We feel ‘normal’ again. I don’t expect you to ever understand that if you’ve never experienced the demons of withdrawal; how could you?
We are now caught in a vicious cycle. We lie to those around us and tell them we are taking our medication responsibly. We are not. We are scared to tell doctors the truth out of fear that they might retract our prescription altogether. That is the most frightening thought of them all: the possibility of losing our prescription. We know that the loss of that lifeline to happiness, however synthetic and weak, will send us into a withdrawal so bad, we fear the consequences could be, honestly, death. This may sound outlandish, however, it is my truth.
A lot of us improvise by making really ill, and often, illegal choices. We do things that we know in our heads are wrong–things we would never advise doing or ever think of doing in the right frame of mind. However, what you don’t understand is that without that medication, without those pills, we cannot survive. We cannot function. Imagine the flu, then multiply that by 1000. That is what we feel when our medication/drug wears off. We would go to the ends of the earth to avoid it.
And we do.
Our life is now a fog. We don’t remember anything, we are not responsible, we do not care about anything but one thing: our prescription or drug of choice. We are sucked into a cycle that is never ending and it feels impossible to get out of. Not all of us know how to get out of it. Some of us don’t care to get out of it.
It’s not just as simple as stopping the medication as I am sure you can imagine if you’ve read this far. It’s opening up and essentially coming out of the closet to all those that you’ve lied to and told countless times ‘I am fine. I am good.’ We who over-medicate are not fine and we certainly are not good. Being honest about the fake facade you’ve shown for so many years is one of the most difficult parts of putting an end to this nightmare.
It is embarrassing. It is scary. You know once you let your secret out, you have no choice but to follow through with the advice of your family, whether that be rehabilitation, detox, etc. To a drug addict, that thought is terrifying.
Some of us, myself included, can tell you that asking for help, admitting we are fucked up and don’t know how to escape is the hardest part. It is embarrassing as we are headstrong seeing we have rebutted all of the arguments over the years claiming we were NOT drug addicts.
But we were. We are.
Some of us make it out. Some of us open that door leaving the darkness behind us, completely scared of what lays ahead; frightened beyond belief that what comes next could potentially be worse than what we’ve put ourselves through.
To those of you who are still there, who are still hiding in the darkness, I empathize with you. It is so hard, it is so scary and I understand your choice to stay and your fear to leave what you know.
All I can tell you is that I promise you, I promise you, leaving the darkness and coming into the light with honesty and the mentality that you are ready to kick this shit is the only thing that will save you from this. It’s the only thing that will save you.
It is up to you.
To the family and friends of loved ones entangled in this mess with us, we are sorry. We never intended to drag you into our miserable drug-filled lives. Trust me. Don’t give up on us. Don’t hate us. Separate yourself if need be, but just remember who we were before the drugs, have hope that we will see the light and make the choice to come out of it. Ultimately, it is our choice and sadly, one that is incredibly difficult to make.
We are sorry. I am sorry.
20 Comments
Thank you for your honesty and sharing your story. I can’t imagine how much pain you’ve been through. I hope your story encourages someone else to find the strength to admit they need help, and then ask for it. Best of luck in the future.
Your so right,there is help out there, its hRd,i saw my grandson go threw it,it was so out of control,begging for money,doubling his meds,we tried to help him,it was everyday thing,when your in rehab you must follow the rules and if you fell sick tell them,open up,and make your mind say, choices,,you can do this,and I heard this story so mu ch,that i want to tell you thank you for telling but where are you at it now,and remember ,people care,and keep taking only when you must adding more will kill you,well god bless you,and I hope the choice you make is better,only you can do this and want to stop………..
Beautiful, brave, strong. Thank you for sharing your story. You are not alone, and it will help others to read this honest straightforward story. Wishing you peach and love.
Thank you for this beautiful, raw and honest piece. There is a stigma around addiction that prevents people from asking for help when they need it. You are brave & beautiful. This line gave me shivers:
“All I can tell you is that I promise you, I promise you, leaving the darkness and coming into the light with honesty and the mentality that you are ready to kick this shit is the only thing that will save you from this. “
Thank you for sharing the pain of addiction in such a real and powerful way. I hope you have acknowledged the courage and strength you showed in getting help. You have turned your crisis into an evolution of yourself. I applaud you!
My husband is an addict. He has been sober for nearly eight years. And, regularly speaks to groups about his story and experiences. I have stood by his side and fully supported him in his recovery, but I have never truly understood what he was going through; and, your story helps me understand and sheds a light on the feelings, and the reasoning, of the addiction. Thank you for sharing!
So powerful and so brave! Keep strong and carry on. You are worth it!
Thank you for sharing this. Very eye-opening.
That is such a vulnerable post and so appreciate everything you said. My husband is an alcoholic and as of last Sunday we separated. I have not given up on him nor do I hate him. I do remember who he was before the addiction and hope and pray he will have the strength and courage you did to get truly healthy.
Beautiful piece. It conveys the misery and hopelessness that accompanies addiction so well. Thank you for sharing this; perhaps it will coax someone out of the dark, or support someone who’s loved one is in the thick of it. Either way, it was raw and touching. Thank you.
I had spine surgery not so very long ago. After months of taking painkillers, they got away from me. I eventually came correct, but it was a long, painful, emotional process. Waiting for your brain to heal from chemical dependency is agony, body and soul.
You nailed it. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your pain — I am married to a drug addict. Twenty years ago he was in a car accident and suffered a brain injury. It has been more than difficult for the entire family. Now, after all these years he is going through withdrawal – a very slow agonizing process but he cannot take living on pain meds any longer — especially since they are doing little to alleviate the pain.
Thank you for this strong and bold story. I can only imagine the pain and suffering you’ve been through out the battle. And I applaud you for not giving up on your battle against addiction, for not giving up on hope, and for bravely admitting your fuck up situation. Kudos to brave people like you who remind others that there is still a silver lining of hope.
No truer words were ever spoken!
I thank you for taking the time to write this.
Hello ill tell you a bit about my self I am living in a sober home in Chelsea, MA I just completed a program in East Boston called the Meridian house I will graduate next month.
I was in there for 14 months for alcoholism while I was there I had 3 strokes on the thalamus part of my brain that has messed up my left side I also went through a divorce in June 2016.
I will be graduating from the Meridian house on March 16th 2017 even with everything that has happened to me I am still doing the right thing and maintaining sober. Its been a rough ride for me. For 23 years I have worked for the less fortunate the homeless population, and today I am waiting for disability to kick in. I cant even work..
Q: What is left thalamic stroke?
A: Quick Answer Between the cerebral cortex and the mid-brain is a double-lobed mass called the thalamus. This mass controls sensory perception, movement and consciousness. A left thalamic stroke occurs when the blood supply is cut off in the left side of the thalamus. This affects the opposite side of the body.
Drug addiction is a serious physical and mental illness. To live with this is very difficult. It is necessary to exert maximum efforts in order to overcome dependence. Therefore, it is better not to allow the use of drugs and not to provoke dependence.
As a former drug addict, I can say that if in schools and universities we were told more about what drugs are, then dependent addicts would be less! In the educational system there is a large psychological hole, which it is time to close. It is necessary to conduct preventive conversations with young people, beginning with high school. It seems to me that this need to be implemented at the state level. Psychological lessons for young people will be a successful step in the fight and prevention of drug addiction.
In cases with already dependent addicts, great attention must be paid to psi-zological support. Psychological support is the key to success in drug abuse. If the patient is supported, understand, accept his condition – he will necessarily win his dependence. This is said even in Wikipedia. Link to the source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drug_rehabilitation
The Government of Canada also provides a variety of assistance in the fight against drug addiction. Link to the source: https://www.canada.ca/en/health-canada/services/health-concerns/drug-prevention-treatment.html Each of us has the right to this assistance.
Rehabilitation centers play a huge role in helping drug addicts. I believe that all drug addicts should contact the centers for help! The maximum effective assistance that can be provided by specialists has a positive effect on the process of treatment and rehabilitation. The specialists of these centers are real professionals, and they need to be trusted. I passed my treatment here https://canadiancentreforaddictions.org/on/ontario-drug-rehab/ . And I would like to say a big thank you to everyone who helped me. I’m not a junkie anymore! This is a wonderful life!
Incredibly disingenuous. You are not sorry for the suffering you cause. You are sorry people hate you for it. People with addicted loved ones know all of this. I’m sick of the excuses. I have grown up learning how horrible drugs and alcohol are for the human body. The people in my life have as well. They don’t care. They are killing themselves slowly because they cannot bear to do it quickly.
I’m sick of hearing this victimization narrative. Drug addicts get thrown in jail because they defacate in the street and harrass passerbys. At least online, addicts are universally considered sick little puppies whose suffering is in no way their own faults. I see little sympathy for the ones victimized by the addicts themselves.
The only solution to a drug addict in your life is to let them rot. Never speak to them again. Rehab creates false security for people who think they’re getting a solution to the human problem forced upon them by the addicts poor choices.
You hit the nail on the head but I will say that only an addict can really understand what we go through and I think in many ways stories of association like this rehabilitated us without 4 walls and rehab places. I think it’s important to know who is with you when you walk toward the light as for the rest that placed the blame on something they never tried to understand where selfish because it’s the stories about how they suffered because of us addicts. Unconditional love means never giving up on us no matter what and that’s what counts. Point 1 finger there is 3 pointing back to you those who did not want to help or understand. Don’t be angry with us rather find out what made us angry or sad and ultimately dependant. Me and my fiance came out as a couple which is uncommon as cat addicts and one thing I will tell you is our drive in life is better than its ever been so bitter sweet. I want to help those who are the addicts cause that pain is so much more than what many normal can’t comprehend cause it’s physical and emotional and sad when they don’t understand. Then because it was never intended you feel guilty but I see it this way….. I had to go through this to help others and I want to its one of the reasons I believe I made it out and our struggle was war nothing that could be understood by those that were never there. We stronger braver and more ambitious and successful than we were before the drugs. Only the strong and willing survive when you at the crossroads and so I solute you and hope others can feel confidence and a wiling in what has been spoken and even if you want to come out to us EX druggie. Help comes in more ways than you know.
Hi, I read your blog and it is very touching to go through all this. I really appreciate your efforts and success of coming out of that darkness. You have correctly said that it is really scary and difficult to overcome the addiction and live a normal life. Lots of people must have gone through all this, but very few have the courage to admit it. It is highly commendable on your part to admit it and change it, to enter a normal lifestyle. Keep it up and all the very best for bright future.
Thank you…beautifully and honestly said.