I forgot to pick my kid up from school. I wasn’t stuck in traffic or in a meeting or doing something funtabulous. I was just sitting around the house in my athleisure wear and fucking forgot.
After six years of flawlessly toting my gal to and from preschool, kindergarten, first, and second grade—I blew it! If you are wondering how this could happen, let me break it down for you:
1. You receive a call at 3:20 p.m. from an unrecognizable number and choose to ignore it because you are busy searching for the perfect pair of summer sandals on Zappos.
2. You ignore a second call from the same number because clearly it must be a political telemarketer. Screw those annoying assholes.
3. After two failed attempts to reach you, the school calls your husband, who is away on business clear across the country. They tell him that his wife did not show up for pick-up and his kid is sitting in the principal’s office waiting for a ride home.
4. He panics.
5. While your husband is replaying Cold Case murder episodes in his head, your kid is shitting in her pants (hopefully not literally), waiting with trembling lips and pale skin.
6. You get a call from your husband but you send it to voicemail because you are on the other line with customer service trying to figure out if you should buy those perfect summer sandals in a 7 or 7 1/2. It’s a tough decision.
7. This is the sweet spot. In just 30 minutes, your husband and daughter both think you’ve been carjacked or accidentally set the house on fire or even worse—got lost inside of IKEA. They’re terrified. One minute longer and they would both need therapy.
8. Your husband calls the school to see if they heard from you. Nothing.
9. Tension builds. Your husband and daughter think about how much they love and appreciate you and would do anything to see you again.
10. Your husband calls a second time and you answer it. He sounds exasperated, angry, relieved, and confused. “What are you doing?” he asks. “Buying sandals,” you reply. He’s so happy that you’re alive that he says, “It’s okay, these things happen.” Like everyone forgets to pick their kid up from school.
11. You haul your out-of-shape ass over to the principal’s office.
12. You arrive, sweating and rambling on like a lunatic, “I have no idea how this happened! I forgot it was a school day! I erased the chalkboard calendar in the kitchen. I didn’t know what day it was! The crossing guard knows, I’m always on time!”
13. You apologize profusely to your daughter on the drive home. She responds sweetly with, “It’s okay mom. Nobody got hurt. We all make mistakes.”
14. You realize that this may be the best thing to ever happen to your family.
15. Your husband and child temporarily adore and idolize you. They even help with the dishes.
16. You put an emergency plan into place for the next time you disappear (aka “forget” to pick your kid up from school.)


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