As I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep (going on 52 minutes), I started thinking about cheating spouses, and if I were to cheat, who would it be with.  I thought about all of the dudes I know, all of the dudes I’ve dated or boned, ex-boyfriends…  There wasn’t one person on the list who got my loins so twisted up that they’d make be betray husband.  I next expanded my thoughts to the men of Hollywood.  There are a lot of hot dudes in the movies.

Most of the people in Hollywood are fuck-holes in real life, so I had to think fictional characters.  My number one, cheat-on-your-husband movie character is Aragorn from Lord of the Rings.  I try to imagine a date with Aragorn… I can’t come up with anything- what would we do?  There are no Orcs to run from or kill, no Elvish father to defy, no ring to obsess about except my engagement ring…

So, I go right to the sex.  It’s not dirty sex with Aragorn- he is a gentle and passionate soul.  Romantic.  He is a tender lover and gazes into my eyes for prolonged periods of time as we dry hump.  When we’ve removed all of our cumbersome medieval velvet clothing, I gasp at the giant boner Aragorn has and he takes me slowly and sweetly on the huge Elvish bed in Riverdale, surrounded by cascading waterfalls, open air and magical Elf-stuff.

Ahh, that was good.  But, the sweet and gentle sex can’t last forever, and Aragorn doesn’t eat pussy, so next up we have…  you guessed it, bitches, Christian Grey.  We can just fast forward into the red room of pain where you’ll find me trussed up like a dirty whore and Christian is murmuring in my ear, ‘Ahhh, you’re so wet…  ready as ever Ms. Totally Inappropriate Mom’.  This is of course, after he has tortured me with foreplay for an hour and I’ve come 6 times with my supersonic clitoris.

After our bone-session, I feel cheap, used, insecure.  Why would this hot man want me and my saggy tits?  Which brings us to a bit of a U-turn…  What the fuck would I do if I ever (god forbid) got divorced and wanted to start dating again?  What do you say to someone when you’ve been on a few dates, and you’re ready to fucking jump their bones but you’re scared to death that they’ll see your child-bearing battle wounds and projectile vomit into your mouth as your kissing??

It might go something like this…  We’re at his place after dinner and art walk, kissing as we shuffle towards the couch.  It’s heating up and I can feel his excitement pressed up against me and I know, this is the night.  Mama wants to get fucked.  I put my hand on his arm- ‘Stop Christian.  I want you so much, but I need to talk to you (boner eraser)’.

‘What is it, babe?  I’m here for you, whatever it is’, says Christian.

‘Well, it’s just that, um, I… uh…  here, it’s better if I just show you’, and I lift my shirt to reveal my wrinkled and stretched fat roll that’s lopped over the top of my jeans and rests comfortably on the waistband.

‘Jesus!  Fuck!  What happened to you?  Were you in a fire?  I’m so sorry.’

‘Christian, these are stretch marks from having children.  They are sort-of beautiful because they brought life into the world,’ I stammer.

Scenario #1

‘Babe, it’s ok.  My ex’s vagina and butthole became one after our first baby, so as long as your pussy’s in tact, I can handle the freddy kruger skin.  How’s it looking down there?’

‘Kinda loose and not what it used to be, but it’s still a smaller hole that what you’re talking about’ I offer.

‘Fuck it then- let’s fuck’.

Oh, Christian!

Scenario #2

‘Mmmmm, seriously?  Damn, I’m sorry, I have a really sensitive stomach, and I can’t keep an erection when I’m on the verge of vomiting.  Here, I’ll pay for your cab.  Just know, it’s not you… it’s me and this damn penis.’

Know what I mean?  I mean, really- how many of you have played this one out in your mind, just a little??

So, of my two fictional fucks, I think Aragorn would make a better life-partner.  He seems more compassionate and could find beauty in my whole person.  He’s just not as shallow as Christian is when it comes to the whole attraction thing, am I right?

With time, I could show Aragorn the ropes- I mean the man eats bugs and whatever else he can find in the wild- I’m sure he could learn to eat pussy too.  He is very good with a sword and in combat, so we’ll build on that for our more rough lovemaking sessions.

Yes, I think he’ll do.

(This post originally ran on Totally Inappropriate Mom.)


Jill is a seeker, writer and blurter of truth. She is a top-notch Vagina Evangelist, wife to a hoarder of camping gear and mother to 2 girls, 2 dogs and a cat who's been perilously close to death for several years now. From wildly comedic to tear-dripping serious, you can find her stories on her blog, Totally Inappropriate Mom, where her 'life-uncensored' philosophy, naughty humor and general inappropriateness run the show.

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