How to Explain Menopause to Your Husband Using Cartoons

Menopause comes for all of us women, some sooner and others later, but the inevitability of this transition can’t be debated. At 46, my own hormones decided to throw a party for my dusty old ovaries. Their idea of a good time involved the usual guests – hot flashes, cramping of everything, surges but no urges and hair… OH MY GOD THE HAIR. Buying a magnifying mirror was like witnessing a train wreck every fricken’ day.

And then there are the nights…. I just want to sleep, but this is not to be. The sweats delivered courtesy of the death struggles of my waning fertility are relentless. They arrive like some kind of a hot slime monster crawling all over my sad old body. The nightmare is real.

There is so much going on with the menopause shit show, that I felt it was time to explain it all to my husband. I was trying to find a way to get him to understand all of the aspects of menopause in a simple list, but I struggled to figure out how. I wasn’t going to be able to pull off sports analogies because… well… sports. But cartoons might be the magic recipe of comprehension and sympathy I need.

Menopause has many faces, and you can explain them all using Peanuts characters.

Pig Pen – This dusty and sad character represents the new me. I turn in to him every night and wake up to him in the mirror. I don’t remember having so much damned maintenance to do just to be presentable, do you? I spend time, cash and sweat trying to hold it all together as my dignity falls into the sink along with my hair and skin flakes. Pig Pen also can’t see his legs without glasses to shave them, just like me.

Linus – blanket on, blanket off, blanket on half leg, kick blanket off. Damn you Linus, and your blanket

Little Red Haired Girl – she represents those women who gently go through menopause without so much as a hot flash or a chin hair, their period prettily and simply stops. Not a bad word escapes her mouth in a hormone driven moment behind a slow driver or dopey store cashier. She has all the chill therefore she is not my friend. Making menopause look effortless is a deal breaker honey.

Schroeder – this menopause archetype is focused on his music, just like the gals who enter “the change” and suddenly find a new hobby. They focus on their petite point, watercolours or bedazzling everything with such  vigor that they don’t even notice their chin hairs and bladder leaks. I want to have Schroeder focus on something but the sweat keeps running into my eyes and my bedazzler ran out of batteries.

Lucy – on my worst hormonal cranky days I am Lucy. I will pull your fucking football away just to watch you fall on your ass. I will set up a booth and blast strangers as they walk by. Maybe Lucy only lives in my head but at any moment she could crack that sad little Christmas tree over somebody’s head.

Peppermint Patty – really she should be peppermint ice cream with chocolate chunks. She represents the coping drug that honest women would admit to eating if they weren’t pretending to yoga their asses through menopause (you can’t fool me, remember? I am Lucy.)

Snoopy – This happy dancing dog who doesn’t speak, has an imaginary red baron plane and he takes to the skies shooting down the bad guys.  It is his fantasy and he represents unfulfilled desires. I have a Snoopy in my head who dreams of things I didn’t do. They are the wasted opportunities that I think about as I transition through this stage. Maybe I can talk Snoopy into crowd surfing at a Depeche Mode concert… (they are still doing live shows aren’t they?) Also he takes naps on the roof of his house. I like naps.

There is one more character at the retiring uterus show, it is poor old Charlie Brown. He will represent the partners and husbands who stand by all of our peanuts madness and wish that they hadn’t been invited to this particular party. I feel sad for Charlie Brown but then again, Lucy doesn’t give a shit.

(This post originally ran on Magnolia Ripkin’s Advice Site)