Welcome to the Blunt Moms cultural awareness program where we provide educational pieces about cross border issues. In this latest edition, a Canadian explains questions of international import to an American. This post is Part Deux, so if you missed part one, we covered the other side of the border in Explaining the USA to Canadians.
Yank: I always thought Canadians were so polite and well-spoken. What happened with Rob Ford?
Canuck: Oh, Rob. Our international buffoon of a blundering drug addict. We have verified his origins, and although his family tree is adequately Canadian, he spent his formative years as a drug mule raised by South American cartels. Don’t believe me? Throw a block of cocaine down in front of him and he will foetal curl around it murmuring “Mama.” We are sorry about Rob.
Yank: And speaking of politicians, Stephen Harper is sounding less Canadian all the time, too. Did anyone check his birth certificate?
Canuck: We may have manufactured him in a top secret lab in the far north of Canada (which is our territory, bitches). He has almost human looking features, and we have perfected the voice modulator. What we can’t figure out is how to make an otherwise charmless Borg likeable. As soon as you are done with Obama, we are going to make the switcheroo and you can have robot man. He will launch his new American political career with a début on Fox. They will love him, and we will say “Sorry!” but we won’t mean it.
Yank: In 2000, wherever there was strife in the world, Canada sent in UN Peacekeepers in those adorable powder blue berets. Do you guys still do this?
Canuck: The powder blue had to go, so we invented invisibility uniforms, because we are clever like that. Now we just put on our ultra deep stealth outfits and infiltrate other superpowers to take bites out of their boxed chocolate. They never know why their candy has been ravaged, their beer fridge is empty and the room smells of farts. That is how evil and nefarious we are. Sort of like toddlers.
Yank: In a throw-down between Tim Hortons and Dunkin Donuts, who would win? Starbucks?
Canuck: We actually just sold Tim Hortons to a major US company. Not unlike your American “beer” breweries, they will probably march their piss-water coffee right over top of our national pride. They will bring crap Joe to our drive thrus, and there is nothing we can do about it. Bastards. Sorry.
Yank: Can’t you just call them hats?
Canuck: No, because then they would sell in the states and y’all would just wear them backwards anyway. Toques have a secret code to them. The more slow witted and dopey a guy looks wearing one, the better he is endowed. We normally don’t share that fact. Sorry.
Yank: Are you planning on giving back any other parts of the country, like Nunavut? We’ll take Vancouver, if you’re looking for volunteers.
Canuck: If Quebec manages to separate, as they have been trying to do for 40 years, we will give you a call. But only after we have emptied out the maple syrup, poutine and beer. Then you folks can turn it into a golf course for rich Texans.
Yank: Is Quebec still threatening to leave you? Maybe you should stop visiting other countries so much and stay home to spend some time with her.
Canuck: See above, we will just suggest that she not let the door hit her in the ass on the way out.
Yank: Jian Gomeshi, popular radio host, musician, writer and multi-cultural phenomenon faces allegations of brutalizing women for pleasure. What’s next? Michael J. Fox, axe murderer?
Canuck: We have eliminated the Gomeshi in a traditional Canadian punishment ceremony for rapists where he was locked naked in a pen with three bull moose in rutting season. Then when we let him out, nobody believed him. See how he likes them antlers. We are not sorry.
Yank: If we admit that we’re jealous of your beer, will you quit pretending that you made Jagermeister cool?
Canuck: Breakfast Jagies – maple syrup chaser – we might be hosers, but we are not pussies. Oh and your beer has less alcohol than our locally produced baby formula. I mean, what kind of democratic nation allows a travesty like Utah Mormon beer to exist?
Yank: Do you really need two languages? There are already more than enough words to go around, are there?
Canuck: Back in the Trudeau mania days when our roguish and charming prime minister was on posters plastered in every teen bedroom, he decided to bring in our second national language. He applied for Spanish but it was taken, so he picked another romance language because he was a player with the ladies. He kind of did it on a dare, and then since it got him some action, he made it law. We have been pretty sexy ever since.
Yank: Does anyone understand what the Newfoundlanders are saying?
Canuck: Not a word. We keep them around because they are fun at parties.
Yank: Is it always cold? Or just most of the time?
Canuck: It might be cold and all, but we like to retire into our igloos every night and get busy under baby seal blankets. Sorry. Not sorry.
In the vein of Learning Channel and History TV, this informative piece is proudly brought to you by Blunt Moms – the truly international alternative to Fox News.
Actually, our writers for this piece are: Sarah Gilbert of Seven Little Mexicans and Magnolia Ripkin of magnoliaripkin.com advice blog to the misdirected
2 Comments
Love the slams against American “beer”!
Favorite = breakfast Jagies. I did a stand up routine where I gave my kids Jagie juice boxes. Good stuff. If only American baby formula had a little nip to it; I’d have gotten through those early years with more sleep and less grey hair.