A strange thing happened when the calendar turned to the first “ber” month. Something called “Fall Bucket” lists started showing up all over social media claiming to be the ultimate way to give my family the “best fall ever” with “amazing ways for fall family fun!”

Wow.

I had no idea I had been depriving my family of so many magical, fall-related activities. And, if the lists themselves weren’t enough, they even come with tiny boxes next to each item so you can check off your fall-complishments (see what I did there?). I mean, do people really print these lists out and check them off?

I read the lists… and then I laughed, snorted and rolled my eyes as I mentally translated what would actually happen if I made any attempt to do them. For example, when the list says…

“Drink apple cider.” Translation: Drink hard cider.

“Pick out pumpkins at a pumpkin patch.” Translation: Drive hours to the nearest pumpkin patch. Cringe at the price of the pumpkins. ($20 for a mother freaking pumpkin???) Take pictures of my children reluctantly wearing creepy smiling jack-o-lantern shirts to prove to social media I’m there. Stop at a grocery store on the way home and buy the same, exact pumpkins for $5 each.

“Navigate a corn maze.” Translation: Shove corn maze map into my children’s hands and wish them luck (may the odds be ever in their favor). Find a comfy spot near the exit where I can enjoy a warm beverage and a good book. Applaud myself for finding a new way to get an hour or two of “me” time.

“Perfect a pie recipe for the holidays.” Translation: Read pie recipe. Laugh at the amount of time and ingredients involved to make said pie. Feel no shame buying pie at grocery store.

“Craft tangled yarn pumpkin ornaments.” Translation: I don’t have a freaking clue what that means…..or what I would do with tangled yarn pumpkin ornaments if I had them.

“Enjoy a foggy morning walk.” Translation: If by “foggy morning walk” you mean it just happens to be foggy one morning during the short walk to my kids’ bus stop then, yes, this one is doable.

“Jump in a big pile of leaves.” Translation: Convince my children that raking leaves isn’t yard work but rather a means to accomplishing a rite of fall-related childhood passage.

“Decorate for Halloween.” Translation: Stop worrying about getting rid of the spider webs inside my house. They are now my Halloween decorations.

“Run a 5k.” Translation: I didn’t run a 5k in the winter, spring or summer. Why would I run one in the fall?

You know what? On second thought, I can’t wait to get to some of these things. Happy fall, y’all!

Erin Gunti chose to become a writer and mother even though she is allergic to coffee. Thank God she is not allergic to wine. You can find her on twitter attempting to be witty but mostly begging people to publish her. Follow her on her website, Facebook and Twitter.

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