If you are a parent, sooner or later you must have the s-e-x talk with your kids. Sure, you could opt to use medical jargon and biology textbooks, but if we’re being honest with ourselves, I think we’d all admit that weird metaphors and awkward phrases are our preference.
To help you navigate through this crushingly awkward conversation, I have provided you with an all-purpose form. Simply fill it in as instructed, sign the bottom and hand it to your child. Then walk away at a speedy pace before they start asking well-considered questions that make your butt clench.
A Fill in The Blank Guide to the Sex Talk
Dear [Offspring Name],
You’re getting older now and I think it is time we have THE TALK. I’m sure you already learned all about the [animals] and [animals] from your friend [school friend’s name] but it is my responsibility as your parent to make sure you really understand how all of this works. So here goes:
When a man and a woman fall in love, they are sometimes hit with the desire to take their [article of clothing] off and [one of five senses] one another. This is normal and natural and you should not be [adjective that describes a negative feeling] if this happens to you.
When the [one of five senses] progresses on to [another of five senses], this is known as [ridiculous term for sexual relations]. [Ridiculous term for sexual relations] happens when the man takes his [vehicle] and inserts it into the woman’s [type of dwelling]. If done properly, this act can make you feel [adjective].
Should you decide to engage in [ridiculous term for sexual relations], you will need to make sure you use protection. If you aren’t careful, the woman could end up with a [baked good] in her oven. Trust me when I say this: no one knows better than me how much having a [baked good] in your oven can ruin your social life.
Until you are in a committed, long-term relationship, I [adverb] recommend that you use condoms. The condom will make sure that the man’s [condiment] doesn’t go into the woman’s [fast food item]. If you don’t use a condom then the man’s [condiment] can go up into the woman’s [type of infrastructure] until it ends up in her [round object] where it can find her [egg-based breakfast item]. When the [condiment] goes into the [egg-based breakfast item], the woman gets pregnant.
I hope this talk has helped make it clear to you why it is so important that you use protection. If you have any more questions about this topic, please feel free to ask [other parent’s name].
Love always,[Your name here]
P.S. If you are a person of faith, you might want to include this line:
If you engage in [ridiculous term for sexual relations] you will committing a sin in the eyes of [name a scary vengeful deity] and be forever [name a shameful punishment outlawed by the Geneva Convention].
P.S.S. Last, but not least, if all else fails, make sure you have a phone ready with the other parent on speed-dial. Good luck, best wishes and may the odds be ever in your favour.