You’re a mean one,
You really are a heel,
You’re as cuddly as a cactus,
You’re as charming as an eel…
Help me. I’m trying to make up lyrics to a new song. To sing when all those dang kids come-a-knockin’ this year on Halloween. Oh, fuck it’s like so soon right? Damn this Halloween! I hate it. I just do. Ohhhh, shut up! Don’t start with the mean-ass-comments, I’m allowed to HATE HALLOWEEN! It’s my God-given right!
Ok, so I used to love it. When my kids were little… they were so cute! They dressed up like little monkeys or pirates. My now fifteen-year-old was even a pea pod one year. I mean, really? Did I actually dress my kid up like a vegetable? Yes, I did. And do you know why? So I could put a SNOW suit over it, and moon-boots! Not one person could even see the dang costume! Then we’d drag his ass in a wagon from door-to-door, in the freezing cold… singing, “Trick-or-treat… smell my feet!” And take a gazillion pictures that all looked exactly the same. Boo!
OH, wait just a minute. Then there was my other kid! He would scream his flipping guts out if there was any sign of a DOG. Yup, he would literally lose his shit; crap his pants. He would get up to the door, knock… already shaking… and see the tiniest-kick-me dog. Then, he would start shrieking and run down to the end of the driveway where we would be waiting. Crying, and yelling. Then piss himself. Poo!
Who doesn’t love Halloween?
I remember when he was like five he only wanted BLUE candy. You heard me. My kid only wanted blue-colored candy. I shit you not. We would walk around the neighborhood watching the little fella ask, “Ummm, Hi, but do you have any BLUE candy?” Of course, the person would say no. Because who has blue candy? Do they even make blue candy on Halloween? Fuck my life. Someone find me some blue flipping candy! By the tenth house, I was done. There wasn’t enough Xanax in my candy bag, or wine in my sippy cup to save me. My little guy was spent, and I was exhausted. Looking at his sad face, “Baby, I’ll get you all the blue candy you want tomorrow, ok?” Picking him up and putting him on my then-husbands shoulders. Blue candy. I’m laughing so hard right now, thinking about it. Between the dogs, and the missing shade of blue… I couldn’t wait for the shit to be over.
So as of now, I don’t even have a pumpkin. I know, I’m a total Grinch. The boys are teenagers, and way “too cool” for Halloween. But just last year, we made a whole graveyard on my front lawn and hung dead people from our porch. We carved pumpkins and made yummy seeds. I even got all dressed up for a big party! I was naughty-Sandy from Grease. Duh. Who wants to be prissy Sandy? She’s so lame. I was the slutty Sandy, with the leather pants, and the red stilettos. It took me like 3 bottles of Aqua Net to get my hair up high enough to look the part. Oliva Newton-John would have been so proud. I did that bitch right.
Dang, I’m kinda sad I’m not doing Halloween this year.
Well, I am sad… so sad.
Fuck those kids. You know they will change their minds! I better get a plan B. Or even a plan A! I can’t be the Grinch that stole Halloween! I need to get into the Halloween spirit. I did eat my weight in Snickers, does that count? And I’ve had like 200 Pumpkin Spice Lattes at Starbucks. That’s the spirit! I better get a move on… and decide what I’m going to wear, and do! Get a costume; a pumpkin! And I best do it fast, because you know damn well, next week, Target will already be flipped and stocked for fucking Thanksgiving. And boy do I fucking HATE Thanksgiving! All those turkeys getting killed, and the carbs… and the lines at the stores… and the stupid Black Friday! 😉