Unless I’m by myself, grocery shopping is one of the cruelest forms of torture. Give me a root canal or a bikini wax but please don’t make me go grocery shopping with my kids.
I used to have fantasies about what motherhood would look like. I even visualized grocery trips with a quiet, smiling child who waves at every person who passes by. Yes, I was that delusional.
I’m a menu-creating, list-making, grocery shopping mama. I do everything I can to ease the pain of this homemaking hell. I even have my list itemized according to the layout of the store. A second wasted looking for a taco kit could mean the difference between a whining child and a meltdown of epic proportions.
I’ve been to every store in my community and I have them ranked on a scale of “survivable to apocalyptic.” I base the rankings upon the store’s amenities and layout. However, I’ve discovered that there are some common traits of grocery stores which drive me crazy.
For example, if a store doesn’t have a cart that accommodates two kids, I won’t shop there. Stores are not laid out for my children to wander around. Displays will be knocked over and items in bulk bins will be handled if my kids aren’t confined to a cart.
Grocery stores must have caught onto this need because now many of them carry fancy carts shaped like cars. What they didn’t realize is that they’ve escalated the horrors of grocery shopping by placing these carts in their stores. If we arrive at the grocery store and my kids don’t get the race car cart, the meltdown begins before I can get my hand on a ripe tomato.
“I want a car cart,” they whine, “I don’t want to go grocery shopping, I want to go home.”
I resist the urge to say what I’m thinking, “You think I’m crabby now? Just imagine what I’ll be like if I have to use wadded up newspaper instead of maxi-pads for the next week!”
Sometimes we get one of the four special carts. You think this would make things better but it doesn’t. I end up speeding around the store while my two children press the stupid squeaking horns of the car. Did I mention there’s not enough coffee in the world to listen to that damn horn non-stop?! Why do grocery stores hate me so much?!
The other problem with the car cart… it’s the size of a Hummer yet the aisles are made for a dainty lady with a basket. Even if the aisles are a decent size, I seem to have the perpetual luck to do my shopping on the shelf-stocking days.
Then there’s the issue of finding everything on my list. Who decides where to place items in the grocery store?! To me, mayonnaise is a condiment, not a salad dressing! I mean would you scoop a pile of mayo on top of your salad? Plus shouldn’t tomatoes be with the canned fruits and vegetables not with the pasta?
You think with all the people stocking the shelves, I would just ask someone for help but I resist the urge because I usually encounter one of two types of stock people:
1. The crab who’s going to bite your head off because you asked for help.
2. The really helpful person who’s just looking for an excuse to break the monotony of lining up cans. They end up chatting to your “sweet” children and lead you in circles around the store. Once you arrive at your destination she gives your two children a balloon… a single, solitary balloon. Umm, thanks for your “help.” I end up spending the next twenty minutes wishing I hadn’t had the urge to make chili as the canned tomatoes have now sucked all the life out of me.
Eventually I scratch everything from my list and make my way to the checkout lanes. The line-ups are long and only two tills are open. I sigh as I park my beast of a cart. It’s at this point that my children decide they really hate each other. The scratching, hitting, and biting begins. I blame the balloon and wish I had a coffee and earplugs (which I’m certain that in this store, the earplugs are found next to the suppositories).
After breaking up the fourth brawl between my kids I begin to question why there’s only two tills open. There were at least a dozen people stocking shelves! Cue the three-year-old’s bladder. At some point between loading the conveyor belt with our sundries and paying our bill, my youngest will declare she has to go pee. The wait is long and painful but we get through and pay for our groceries.
We scurry to the bathroom (which is often a maze of creepy hallways) and hopefully, upon arriving at our destination, she’ll actually pee in the toilet. More often than not, it’s a false alarm.
I load the children and groceries into our car and sigh. I debate rewarding myself with a cup of coffee or drowning my sorrows with a glass of wine. I end up driving home and delighting in the fact that I have a whole week before I have to do it all over again. Until I start unpacking the groceries and realize that I forgot to buy the maxi-pads.
About the author: Jennifer Bly may be one in over a million Jennifers but she does what she can to stand out… like screaming when she encounters a spider, flipping her pillow several times to find the coldest spot to sleep on, and dry heaving at the sight of a finger in a belly button. Mom to two girls and wife to one amazing guy, she contributes regularly to her blog, The Deliberate Mom. Jennifer can also be found frolicking on Facebook and Twitter.
11 Comments
Oh wow! I was laughing tears! Man, I remember those days.
I’m happy to make you cry *wink*. Some version of this happens to me every single week. Ahh, yes, the joys of being a mom! Thanks for stopping by!
HA! This was awesome. I have five kids from 1-7 and I think I have grocery shopped alone twice with them. TWICE. It is a horror story of epic proportions. I had never heard of your site before, I love it! I may have to submit a guest post one day, I miss writing like this! Thanks for sharing on the blogging homeschoolers, so glad I found you 🙂
I’m glad you enjoyed this Rebecca! I, unfortunately, have this task every single week. It’s a tad tiresome.
I’m so glad you stopped by and I look forward to connecting.
This is hilarious! So much truth. I really enjoyed reading it. Thanks so much 🙂
Glad you enjoyed this Erin. Now to write out my grocery list for next week. *sigh* It’s my weekly dreaded task.
Thanks for stopping by.
So, so funny! As parents I think we’ve all been through this at one time or another. And every store needs to check themselves with the “family friendly” lane. Family friendly means there should be no toys, candy, etc. at the checkout stand. That is usually where our meltdowns happen when my daughter can’t get the princess or My Little Pony that’s hanging there.
Oh my goodness! How could I forget that part?!
Yes! Every store NEEDS a family friendly checkout lane. All the candy and toys drive me crazy. Plus the lane is so narrow, my kids are usually grabbing stuff off of the racks.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this Tiffany! I totally agree!
Oh boy do I know how you feel. I used to wait till my husband was home before I went….even if it meant going at 6 in the morning. My girls are in their 20s now but I would still rather go by myself. I make a list, a menu….whatever it takes to save money there. It’s so darn expensive I can’t stand to impulse buy or veer from my menu. And, because my husband doesn’t go all the time it’s not as much of a chore for him. I want to be done in a half hour tops, and he doesn’t mind staying as long as it takes.
I am gonna let you in on my secret to grocery store sanity: candy. I save all the suckers from the bank, etc and use them for our grocery trips. I get the dirtiest looks from people at the grocery store, but I don’t give a care! If they want to shop with a 5 and a 6 year old who are together 24/7, then they can be my guest!!
Haha it is but i’ll prefer shopping grocery with kids:)