Dear moms of autistic children:
First let me say this: I admire you for all the time, love and patience you put into doing everything and anything you can for your child with autism. You want to create a loving and caring environment for them where they feel safe and loved – that’s what all moms want for their kids.
I appreciate that you are raising awareness about autism to those of us who cannot possibly know what you and your child experience on a daily basis. Some of you speak of the hate and the tears you cry because of the other unfeeling mothers and their heart-piercing stares of condemnation, and the strangers who judge and whisper and make snide remarks to one another that you know are about you and your unruly or strangely-acting child.
Guess what? It happens to ALL MOMS!!!
You judge us for looking at you? Why do you automatically assume the judgmental looks have anything to do with autism? How are we to know that your child is experiencing something other than a good old fashioned temper tantrum or some other form of typical toddler/child behavior? Perhaps we are casting looks of annoyance and exasperation because maybe, just maybe, we have had a really crappy day ourselves with our own kids or our job or a million other things.
We don’t know you. We don’t know your child is autistic.
I raised a stepdaughter with fetal alcohol syndrome, and while I am not comparing the two, I am saying I know what it is like to deal with a child that requires much more time, attention, and awareness than a “normal” child. She used to act out in very inappropriate ways. Several times, while in public she just happily began masturbating with not a care in the world. Talk about some freaked out and judgmental death stares coming my way – I’m sure you can imagine. Of COURSE they stared! Of course they judged! They had absolutely NO WAY of knowing she had FAS!
I didn’t blame them. I didn’t think they were being cruel to me because my child had FAS. Again, how could they know? This is highly unusual behavior!! You wouldn’t look over if you saw this happening five feet from you? Of course you would; you’re human.
Instead of assuming everyone is judging you and your child because of autism, maybe you could stop judging everyone and just say, “My child has autism and is a bit overwhelmed right now. Please be kind.” I said it, right out loud to people around me that were honed in and making snide remarks about my stepdaughter. I wasn’t mean, I just said, “My daughter has fetal alcohol syndrome and doesn’t always know what is appropriate, so I’d appreciate your understanding. Or at the very least, keep your comments to yourself. Thank you.”
There is an incredibly helpful movement going on now by people who own dogs that have been rescued and suffer from emotional problems. They tie a very visible yellow ribbon on their leash! That way, when I am walking my dog, I can see that they are telling me that their dog has some issues and to please be respectful and understanding. Don’t try to come near my dog with your dog; just pass by quietly.
If only we also had something so simple and so effective!
Try and remember: all moms have struggles with their kids on a regular basis, and people naturally respond to unusual happenings in their vicinity. People can be just complete jerks – mean, condescending, hateful, disgusting excuses for human beings – so deal with it; we all do. You don’t get to assume that we are all awful people because we react to your child behaving strangely. Can you honestly say you have never, not once, not ever, cast a look toward a mother dealing with an unruly child in full on tantrum mode? Is it right to continue to stare and judge and chatter about it? No. Is life always fair? No. Move on.
Your judgment is hypocritical – you want no “hate” or judgement of your child, yet some (not all) of your blogs are full of judgment and disdain for those who dare cast a look at you or your child. The fact is, even if we did know your child had autism, most of us will still look your way, if only to see what is happening.
Just continue doing what you do best: educate us. It is your most powerful tool. Continue to blog about it, write about it, but do me a favor and stop judging us for looking at you and your child. We’re human, too. And, honestly, it’s annoying.
I too raised a special needs child. I did it when there was no awareness movement going on and I had no support, there was no Internet to “spread the word.” There simply was no word, and no one cared. I raised a child who exhibited extremely strange and inappropriate behavior and I dealt with it and the hardship, judgement and snide remarks that came along with it. I tried to keep in mind they had no way of knowing what was wrong her and I would engage her in a conversation about a subject she enjoyed talking about so she would not focus on the negativity.
Perhaps in a perfect world, no one will look twice, everyone will love without judgment and everyone will automatically know you have a child with autism, but until then, do what the rest of us moms do: the best we can, without the judgment.
We could all use a lot less of it.
Mary is 59 and resides in Maryland. She writes about her love of life and doesn’t shy away from sharing stories of her dance with depression and finding her way through it with gratitude and humor. She loves being with her two grown sons and her girlfriends but is often ditched by both for wearing inappropriately short skirts, refusing to dance like no one is looking – (you know they are) and making a fool of herself as often as possible. She has deep ancestral roots to Scotland and is sure that although she has never been there, she has lived there all her life. Life is but a blink of an eye, cherish the fairy dust moments.
Follow her blog at The Heart of Sassy Lassie and also on Facebook, Twitter, and Google+
17 Comments
Yes. Amen. My family looks different. We’re a multiracial visible special needs family. I HATE the staring. But, it is natural. Instinctive. If your stare is followed up by a bunch of word vomit, well, then…we’ll have words. But just staring? Nah. Easy stuff. Smile and wave.
I am ALWAYS okay with staring as long as there is a smile attached…it’s human nature
Thanks, Brandi, for your input. It is human nature and how things go from there depends a lot on us and how we react to it. I’m glad to hear you and your family deal with it so well. A smile goes a long, long way 🙂
Thanks, Jill for your feedback. I dealt with it too and agree that staring is natural but when it is followed by snide remarks sometimes even a kind remark helps. Anger stems from fear and sometimes kindness works. I remember a few times when the staring went on a bit too long I would look over and just say, “Hi, how are you doing? This is Charlotte.” Many times that was met with a smile back and of course, Charlotte was thrilled and would strike up a conversation. Other times, I could tell the person/people were seriously embarrased and realized their stares and remarks were
hurtful.
This is amazing and I absolutely agree with all of it!!! Great piece!
Thanks, Nicole! I appreciate you reading and commenting and glad you agree 🙂
Well said, Mary!!!! We ALL need less judgement, period. Curiousity is human nature; it is probably rarely about judgement, and probably more about sympathy. XO
Thanks, Jen! I appreciate it. People are curious by nature especially when something is going on that happens to be a little louder than ususal – like my boys hiding in the frozen meat bins at the grocery store when they were little! LOL 🙂
Hmmm…this assumes that I am judging you for looking sideways at my child with autism because I believe you are judging my child. Maybe I am simply having the crappy day of which you speak. Perhaps I am defensive because I have had complete strangers tell me I wouldn’t have these problems if I just employed corporal punishment, or that “autism isn’t real.” It’s possible I am tired of educating people who dont seem all that interested, or exhausted because neither of my special needs children sleeps particularly well. I’m glad the author was capable of doing such an admirable job with her stepdaughter but I’m not that strong. I may get annoyed — and hey, at least can I have my own feelings? — but I’m not necessarily judging you. Unless you’re being a dick. Then it’s game on.
Hi Amanda and thanks for reading and commenting. I hear you loud and clear. I had many long, frustrating and exhausting days with my step-daughter and as I said in my post, as you say in your own words, if someone was “being a dick” yeah, it was game on and I would ask them to kindly keep their comments to themselves. Huge difference between looking at someone and their child to see what’s going on and being a complete and total dick. Raising a special needs child is so hard and that’s on the good days – on the bad days it seems damn near impossible. Yes, of course you can have your own feelings, especially here and I am really happy you chose to share them. Some days I was stronger than others but honestly, most days were a struggle for me and my step-daughter. As far as being told autism or any other disease/condition/disability isn’t real is so disrespectful and usually stems from people being completely ignorant on the subject and unsolicited advice from those who have no idea of what loved ones of special needs kids go through is the worst kind of arrogance. All any of us can do is the best we can and while that sounds like such a cliche, in the end, it’s true. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts here and I hope you are sleeping soundly as I write this 🙂
Oh Mary, another amazing post! I knew it was you almost five sentences in 🙂 You are wonderful- I love this post ❤️
Thanks for reading and for your kind words, Ashley! Can’t wait to meet you 🙂
Yeah, sometimes childless adults are looking at your kids because…well…kids on the spectrum don’t grow up into neurotypical adults.
Perhaps some of the “staring, eye-rolling” individuals are not so much judging you or your child as wondering why you do not remove the melting-down/acting out child from the upsetting environment. It is not appropriate for any out-of-control child, neurotypical or otherwise, to noise polute the child’s vicinity. Other people deserve consideration, also.
The needs of some children are such that they cannot control their outbursts. It may take them many years to learn how to do this successfully. So what should the parent do? Never enter a public space? How else will the child learn the “art” of socializing? Rather than call it noise pollution, why not show some compassion? Sometimes mothers of screaming children might appreciate a warm, “Can I be of some help?” I learned that lesson the time I decided to show compassion instead of judgment. And guess what? The mom did need help. Another time, the mother told me to piss off. Point: I wasn’t being a dick and pre-judging someone based on society’s notion that only perfect people deserve public spaces. Special needs individuals have rights that need to be respected. And besides: if you let yourself actually observe such situations objectively, it’s pretty apparent when a kid and parent are being DBs vs. when they are in need of compassion. I challenge you to take the time to recognize the difference…and perhaps educate yourself on what certain special needs actually involve before making a blanket statement like, “it is not appropriate for any out-of-control child, neurotypical or otherwise, to noise pollute the child’s vicinity. Other people deserve consideration also.”
According to your post, “Other people deserve consideration, also” while in public. But my son with special needs deserves access to public spaces and opportunities to interact with others. If you are suggesting that “other people deserve consideration” when participating in society more than my son does, then this implies that your needs are of greater worth. How can one person’s consideration be classified as more valuable than another person’s? This notion is DISCRIMINATION, the act of valuing one’s needs differently from other people or groups of people. Although “other people” can create environments in your own residences free of “noise pollution” (aka non-silent children), parents of children with special needs CANNOT bring society to them. We have to go out into society. Instead of requesting that parents keep their special needs children away from public spaces, we should instead strive to be a society that is more open-minded and accepting of what it means to have “consideration” for others.
I completely agree with the non-judgmental approach for ALL parents, not just those with special needs children. It’s natural to notice certain behavior, but when people make comments or outright stare FOREVER, it crosses the line to rudeness. I admire your willingness to educate others. I think sometimes I just get a little too mama bear and don’t feel the need to justify my daughter’s bad behavior to complete strangers.