Did you hear the kerfuffle about the Mom whose Instagram account was suspended after she posted a breast-feeding selfie? It happened in Canada, and since her tits didn’t attack Jay Z in an elevator, I’ll forgive you if this is your first whiff of the story.
The Internet raged, Instagram back-pedalled, and loads more of us got to see her areola stuffed down the throat of her kid, who in 13 years will be SUPER stoked about all this.
I don’t have a problem with breasts, breast feeding or even selfies – as soon as Facebook and all the other electronic ways we humble-brag and over-share came into existence, we all knew there would be debates about social etiquette and privacy.
My beef is this: there are a thousand more obnoxious and terrible things being done on Instagram RIGHT NOW that don’t make the news. Here are just a few things I think are a million times worse than a milk-swollen mammary.
If you don’t know the purpose of hashtags, then here’s the quick and dirty: make them funny or fuck off. Also – three hashtag limit. Don’t abuse this privilege.
There is never a need to post a picture of someone in a hospital bed, at a funeral or a tribute to a dead child. If I wanted my soul crushed while I take a shit, I would cue up the first 10 minutes of Up. A public photo-sharing App should inspire, motivate, entertain and enlighten. No blood, guts or tears please.
Please Sir, can we have a Goddamn Update?
I know Facebook owns Instagram, but doesn’t it feel sometimes like a Craigslist “Set it and Forget it” creation?
Yes, it wasn’t meant to be used as a marketing tool, but right now that’s happening, so please let us put in some clickable links. Also – can we have some new filters? Other photo Apps are killing it with fun options. Even just replace the sad trumpets that nobody will miss – Kelvin and Toaster, the NOPE and UGH of filters respectively. And can someone, ANYONE, explain to me the lack of updated emojis? After a quick poll of my friends, we easily came up with 200 emojis that are curiously missing. Fuck the weird squares, yam, foreign currency, ice cream skewers, clocks and sushi that nobody orders. Give us a robot, hat tip, throwing shade eyeballs, mustaches, a keytar, more ethnicities, raccoons, a sparkly Michael Jackson glove, champagne, teeth, a toothbrush, the Seven Wonders of the World, smiling urine, a unicorn and the gluten free symbol. JUST A FEW THOUGHTS, GUYS.
The Last Supper
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m guilty of this too. It feels like a meal never existed sometimes if you don’t show the world what it looked like seconds before it found its way down your throat. The images I have a hard time swallowing are the impeccably styled plates where the vintage tea towel is mussed just so, while the slightly varnished utensils balance on the edge of the cracked porcelain plate snuck out of Grandma’s china cabinet, and all the organic ingredients are glistening and threatening to topple over and onto that artfully stained picnic table half-lit by a string of vintage fairy lights under the apple tree in your acreage by the sea. I GET IT. Your life is delicious in every way possible. GOD.
Quality and/or Quantity
Don’t post pictures you snapped using your fancy camera and then emailed to yourself. That’s cheating. Don’t post pictures so shaky and out of focus that I question your sobriety. That means waiting 24 hours after you get home from the bar. Your dark and hammered selfies in the club’s bathroom mirrors are as appealing as the dank hair I forcibly yanked out of my bathroom drain this morning. Also – one selfie is acceptable. Back-to-back selfie posts means you are a compliment gobbler and that is a mere two-step down the evolutionary chain from a shit-eating gobbler.
It’s not like a swamp water slurpee where sometimes all the things are delicious. If you have added 17 filters, it looks like your reality is a Hunter S. Thompson wet dream. That both scares me and tickles my delicate Mom sensibilities. I need to raise a kid here, not jump down your rabbit hole. Quit that shit.
There are many other everyday offenses committed on Instagram; these are just a few of my favourites. Follow me here to see just how hypocritical I am, and let me know below – what Instagram Irritants did I miss?