For years, I believed that even if no woman was ‘asking to be raped’ based on what she wore, dangerous behaviors such as going out and drinking loads were really stupid things to do. I thought women who did that bore some responsibility for what happened to them.
I don’t know, blame it on a mother who used to give me mixed messages like ‘ you should show more leg’ and ‘ well of course she’s asking for it”. But in truth, I think it was more about my perception that society was losing all sense of personal responsibility.
Blaming others for our misfortunes seems especially true in the United States where litigation nation meets psychotherapy. With the famous McD hot coffee cup case leading us to the onslaught of superfluous signage like stairs may be slippery if wet with rain –(and yes I ACTUALLY saw this sign on a bus to Long Island)– urging caution in nearly any situation, where previously common sense was a given. Now take hordes of people of all ages, insisting they are messed up because `so and so ruined me by letting me have all the toys, by denying me all the toys, by giving me just the right amount of toys’. The ‘it’s not my fault’ whine is pervasive in coffee shops and wine bars around the nation. Combine the two and you have a near pathological situation, which, at the time, left a terrible taste in my mouth. I believed in personal responsibility. I thought if you get wasted when you are out and you are raped – it may not excuse the perpetrator but it’s most definitely your own fault.
And then came the day I was raped.
I was raped by somebody I knew. He was probably one the nicest people I knew at the time. A family man, with two kids. A friend. A colleague. Someone I trusted. I was out with colleagues after a big work event. I’d had a great work opportunity come my way putting me on track for my dream job. I was celebrating.
I was wearing a suit – not that it’s relevant. We were in a country where drinking on an empty stomach was de-rigueur. I was tired that night and I didn’t actually drink that much. Many people have days where one glass goes to their head and others where a bottle goes down just fine. On this day, I misjudged my tolerance and it went to my head. But hey, I was surrounded by friends, a safe place. Or so I thought.
One of my closest work friends offered to help get me home. I even remember another colleague saying she was a bit worried that I was a too tipsy and he assured her he would get me home safe. I felt grateful, relaxed. And presumably I fell asleep in the cab.
The next thing I remember is waking in my bedroom, with this person raping me. I didn’t scream. I didn’t fight. I was in shock. As the reality sunk in, I just wanted it to be over. I wanted to cry. I wanted to pretend this wasn’t happening. I wanted to get this person off of me but was too scared to say anything. After all, I believed in personal responsibility so surely I had created this situation myself.
I am still angry even though I don’t think he was malicious. I don’t think he intended to take advantage. Actually I really don’t know what he was thinking. I once even considered contacting him to talk about it but I chickened out.
What I do know is this. I don’t want to live in a world where I can’t trust anyone. Where I have to watch and analyze my every move. I want to believe that I can make a mistake, like misjudging my ability to drink and celebrate without having to worry that those around may violate me. That world sucks.
Listen, I still believe that if you are late for work 4 mornings out of 5, traffic isn’t the problem, your decision making is the issue. You are responsible for yourself.
But when it comes to rape, perhaps this is the exception that makes the rule. I didn’t ask for it.
10 Comments
No, you didn’t ask for it. He was wrong. Not you. And that world DOES suck. I’m so sorry that this happened to you but I am glad you feel safe sharing it here.
Thank you for being brave. To write. To share. To be you.
I’m sorry this happened to you. You are a brave woman to tell your story, and I do hope you one day find the courage to ask that man someday why he did what he did. But don’t ever blame yourself.
It doesn’t matter how you dress. It doesn’t matter how much you drink. There isn’t any thing the victim does that forces the rapist to sexually assault them. It’s a conscious choice made on the RAPISTS part. People *don’t* ask for rape. That’s why it is rape.
You can move on from this. Not every person is out to hurt you. You’re right, you can’t look over your shoulder the rest of your life, and you shouldn’t have to. You were a victim, but you don’t always have to be. And there are others out here to support you along the way.
The memory of this should be torturing him, and not you. This was not your doing and I am grateful that you had the courage to write about it. This could have been any of us, and the guilt is on the rapist not his victim.
I hope you know that this wasn’t your fault, you are not to blame. My heart aches with you. I’m proud of you for writing this.
Such a hugely powerful and important post – I applaud you for writing it and I applaud BLUNTmoms for giving you a platform where you felt safe enough to share this anonymously. Rape is the most personal of violations and never YOUR fault. It is shocking how many women have experienced situations like this, how many men feel that what they have done is acceptable. Thank you for painting the reality of the pain in such stark and honest colours.
You are amazing and you should not have to be afraid.
I hope this haunts him and you can move on in peace. Happy you felt safe sharing here.
I am happy that you believe that you “didn’t ask for it” because what you think is the most important of all opinions.
For what it’s worth, I agree with you.
Besos.
Thank you for having the courage to share your story. It must have been one of the hardest things you’ve ever done. I am so glad to hear you say that you “didn’t ask for it” because that is 100% true. Please don’t give him an “out” by saying that he may not have intended to take advantage of you. Sex without consent is rape, pure and simple. He knew exactly what he was doing.
I wish that I could say with certainty that I would have called the police to have him charged so that he couldn’t do that to somebody else but I can’t and certainly can’t judge you for not doing so (I’m assuming here). I have never been in your position (thank goodness) so I really can’t say that I would have had the courage to do that. Reaching out here on this blog is a wonderful first step in the journey to recovery for you and I hope that you take the next step and find a support group in your area to continue on this journey.
I hope that you can bring yourself to trust again. There are so many good people out there – and in your own life too, I’m sure. I would hate to see you close yourself off from them because of what this ass did to you
Most rapes are perpetrated by acquaintances. Mine was. So many of my friends have been “date raped” or just raped, that it’s frightening. It’s a power thing. It took me years to move on and forgive. I really don’t think the person who did it to me had a clue. I think he was truly fucked up in the head, thinking this was normal, to take advantage of a drunk girl. It took a long time, but I decided not to let it define me or my future relationships, although it did affect them. You’re right. You become more careful. More paranoid. You realize it’s not all sugar canes and ponies out there. People look normal and hide evil behind the facade. You learn to use your gut instincts. You forgive yourself when it fails and your trust is violated.