I don’t know about you, but I HATE car rider lines at my kid’s schools! Even worse, when you have to do parent drop-off in person! I love how naïve the schools are as well. They email everyone a simple-looking diagram of cross streets, arrows and cones, and line etiquette. Obviously, that is a well-planned-out idea, however, people are stupid and selfish and impatient! Am I wrong?

The downside of being military is that every couple of years, I have to adapt to a new state, new school, and new set of idiotic and impatient parents in a new car rider line! Some of you have it made and only have to learn once! You know from experience which car is gonna cut you off, which car is nearly going to cause a wreck every morning, which car hits their brakes life a nervous cat dangling over water, and which car thinks they are Dale Earnhardt and gas it up every time they move only to actually move five feet! Not me! I get a whole new set of asshats every couple of years!

I do not mind it as much in the morning. Yes, the line moves ridiculously slow because mom type a has to give her precious little bundle a thousand hugs and kisses before releasing the pampered brat onto the teachers, but as I creep slowly to the poor staff member out in all weather to just open the car door for my boogers, I know I will soon be on my way home to peace! So mornings are dealt with gracefully. As I am ready to offload my kiddos wearing my moomoo, housecoat, and fuzzy slippers, I am the good parent. I make them kiss me goodbye long before the line starts moving, and at the right time, boot them out the door hollering “Have a good day,” as I speed off to freedom!

The afternoon is a completely different story! I may not be in my housecoat (maybe), but I am definitely sporting the day’s smell (cleaning fluid, detergent, dog slobber, cat hair, that dinner I prepped with a strong hint of onions, and possibly my husband’s farts he thought would be funny crop-dusting me with). I am not ready for the random teacher or staff member to knock on my window asking if I want to volunteer or telling me how my kid’s day went! Believe me, I will hear all about it on the drive home as my babies ramble and repeat themselves!

The pickup also brings out the stupid in people. One particular day, I was driving (la la la la la) so innocently, and listening to my podcast and enjoying the last few minutes of peace. I see there is enough space on side a for my car. I pull in and park. The dude on side b honks at me (see picture beautifully drawn above). He is pissed because I fit and he did not. Not my problem! I fits… I sits! Whole time waiting, he is cursing my name (my car’s name) to the gods as I apparently just offended him and his family’s heritage by having common sense. Did I do something that may be construed as rude, maybe… Did I regret it, hell naw! Would I do it again… without a friggin’ doubt! The car rider line is not fair. Life is not fair! It is a dog eat dog world, and he may have shown up twenty minutes before me, but it is his own fault for driving a truck the size of a semi. No doubt it was to hide some impotence which was shown by his honking style.

Don’t get me started on the attire of the walkers. I get it some women either feel they have to or they are just really good at time management having a full face of makeup and looking like they just jumped off the runway, but this momma (like the other 99%) does not! Others are just like me (only not hidden by the doors of a car), they drag their before school-aged kid hanging on to their leg, sporting their zombie duds, and just praying for traffic to not stop, just to pick up even more vaginal demons only to return home and finish their multitude of chores. There are other types, but it is a lot to type so I have compiled a list:

A. The fashion model mom above mentioned.

B. The looking close to taking her last breath mom listed above.

C. The athletic mom who only wears sports bras and shorts that look painted on. You just know she is not wearing panties because you can see all her business. Flaming hussy!

D. The flirt mom who can spot any daddy grabbing kids, and even though she is married and he is married (duh it’s an army base, we are all screwing someone here), she is never wearing her ring.

E. The “I’m a bad ass cool mom, and my kids are my best friends,” mom. You can easily spot her! She is the one wearing her teenager’s clothes, and singing some new song and making a Tik Tok in line! Seriously girls! We all loved Tik Tok, but your candy perfume-smelling ass does not need to be doing the WAP at my kid’s school.

Schools should seriously think of investing in a commentator, and making a show of the lines. I am sure this is why school buses were invented (don’t fact-check me), but unfortunately, some have to face this daily craziness Monday through Friday! How is your line? Which mom are you? If you are E type though… this is not the blog for you. Sorry, not sorry!


Erin is a mother of three and wife to an awesome soldier.  Trying to navigate puzzle kids, anxiety, and wine fueled parenting all in a sea of green! Is she doing it wrong? Most likely. Is she trying her best? Damn straight.

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