They say rain on your wedding day is a sign of bad luck.
The day we got married was the coldest, wettest day of the year. I can still feel the chill to my bones as we exchanged vows through chattering teeth, holding iced fingertips.
It wasn’t all doom and gloom, for the fire raging deep inside my heart and soul was real. I wanted nothing more than a life with this man, forever.
I cared not for the BIG, extravagant wedding. I didn’t care what my dress looked like, how my hair was done or even who attended. Hell, the only reason we didn’t elope was so my family could be present. We did just that. ONLY immediate family, we didn’t even have cake.
Because NONE of that mattered to me. I was head over heels in love with this man. You know, the kind of love where nothing else in the world mattered. It wouldn’t matter what happened, as long as I knew I had him by my side. I genuinely wanted nothing more from him than his love and loyalty for the rest of my life. I didn’t glance sideways, ONCE. Tunnel vision, him and I knew without a shadow of a doubt, I wanted us, forever. For better or worse. And I damn well meant it with every fiber of my being.
Unfortunately, not beautiful love stories have a happy ending. A saying I heard once at the pointy end of my marriage rang true to my heart. It was “every time he makes a mistake and you forgive him, he will love you a little more and you will love him a little less. Until one day you reach a point and you realise you no longer love him at all.” That, in a nutshell (without sharing any incriminating details) ultimately resulted in the demise of our marriage.
Ending my marriage was obviously not a decision I took lightly. I was absolutely terrified. I moved out of home with this man when I was 19. I had no idea how I would ever cope, for almost 10 years this man was my safety blanket, my life raft. Before I met him I was incredible timid, nervous and anxious. I relied on him heavily in every aspect of my life. Leaving him with 3 small children in tow was the scariest decision I’ve ever made. I wasn’t sure how we would cope, how I’d manage to provide, financially, emotionally, psychically. Leaving meant I was it, I had no choice but to be the support for myself and my children
It felt as if I’d almost closed my eyes, held my breath and leaped from my life raft into the depths of the unknown, rolling with the waves and desperately trying to keep not only myself but 3 small children who couldn’t swim afloat. As we drifted together navigating this new life, time passed, we faced storms and LEARNED a lot.
This life changing leap was exactly what I needed. It forced me to look deep within myself and learn who I truly am, as a mother, a woman, a friend, a sister. For the first time ever, I was completely free, financially, emotionally, I gained a strength and confidence I never knew I had. I found my voice and man was she loud. I’ve set boundaries, and set standards and I refuse to compromise those in any relationship. Friendships, romantic relationships. I will simply no longer tolerate sh*t. I don’t have the space or energy for it.
It has been an incredibly challenging yet rewarding and empowering experience. I often reflect back upon my marriage and the girl I once was and now realize that everything happens for a reason, I don’t regret my marriage. It was what I needed at the time, for the girl I once was. But leaving… is what discovered the woman I am, my true identity and my god, I absolutely love the fu*k out of her.
Breigh Bonner writes about all things motherhood & wife life that we don’t wanna talk about. Fumbling her way through motherhood, sharing honest, raw & real recounts of the shit-show that is life. Hiding anxiety through humor & fueled by coffee until it’s acceptable to pour a wine 🍷 visit me here.