Beer vs. Wine
Coffee vs. Tea
Team Edward vs. Team Jacob
Bush vs. No Bush…
No, I’m not debating early 2000s politics here. I’m talking about a much more important Bush…
The Bush. Or lack thereof, for that matter.
Ever since one day back in 1997, when a nude model from the Swiss Alps named Olga Von Baldersnatch accidentally spit her chewing gum out while trying to blow a bubble and it landed in her lap during a photoshoot, thus requiring a full shave job before the shoot could continue, the landscape of feminine landscaping has been a hotly debated topic.
Immediately following Olga’s mishap and sporting her new clean-shaven look in pictures, men everywhere were enthralled when they saw her spread. (Photo spread, you perverts). Researchers came to the conclusion that the men actually believed a woman to be “more naked” minus the hair down there, and as any man will say, “more naked is more good.” Realising that men usually lavished them with more gifts, more money, and most importantly, more chocolate covered pretzels, when they showed more skin, women began “tidying up the privates” and went for the hairless look, en masse.
This new streamlined, south of the belly button style sent women to salons, spas, and back of the house barbers, where they were subjected to hot wax, tweezers, and poodle clippers, all in an effort to keep their p….prized possessions smooth as silk. The sad truth about this was that most men didn’t quite fathom the magnanimous and grueling effort that their ladies went through to achieve this look. They just kind of figured their wives or girlfriends lathered it up with some shaving cream, took a 99 cent disposable razor to it, and slapped some Old Spice After Shave on it when they were done.
Now, things are starting to get a bit hairy…again
Back in 2012, famous model, actress, and mom Jenny McCarthy posed in the buff for Playboy (again) with what else, but a fully formed trouser chia. And she looked damn good! Since then, more and more women are apparently getting a bit harried when it comes to putting their ankles behind their heads and having their lady parts sandblasted smooth, so they’ve decided to go back to the ways of their fully-follicled forebearers. The bush is beginning to bloom again.
From a guy’s point of view, I’m personally thrilled with this development. I’m sure that some women will completely disagree, and I’m also sure those same women are still wearing thongs and proudly displaying tramp stamps. I remember coming of age in the late 80s and early 90s and catching the end of the Full Bush Movement. The days when the ladies wore high topped jeans, not for fashion, but to keep that thing contained. The days when Playboy Bunnies were known more for their rabbit tails, than their rabbit ears. I thought, and still do, think some nicely trimmed shrubbery can always be counted on to increase the overall value of the real estate…wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
Not that I’m saying the ladies should have their panty afros looking like a wolverine just stuck its tongue in an electrical socket, but in my opinion, something is better than nothing.
Put it this way, and I’m trying to think of a way to say this that doesn’t permanently screw up my chances of getting the very thing we’re talking about…
Take a friendly pussy cat. A pussy cat is a beautiful thing, right? Pleasant on the eyes.
Now, if you shave that same pussy cat, it goes from being this nice looking, well-groomed…pussycat, to being a gangly looking, wrinkled in weird places, bumpy little thing…
If you’re still with me and don’t want to punch me in the head yet, believe me when I say this is definitely not the easiest post to write.
Alright, let me stop beating around the bush…
*bangs head repeatedly on desk*
Here we go. I’m just gonna blurt this out…
IT’S JUST NOT THAT FUCKIN’ ATTRACTIVE ALL SHAVED UP, OK?
It kinda reminds me of a sideways version of the way my grandma used to scrunch up her old lady mouth when my Uncle Norm farted at the dinner table. Or a piece of chewed up rawhide. Whatever. I just don’t see how anyone could think it’s good looking. I mean, c’mon, in the grand scheme of things, hair was put there to keep it covered. That’s gotta be saying something.
Sure, keeping it nary hairy might make it easier to find if you’re in a hurry, or if your guy is a gynecological student that needs to investigate every little nookie and cran. Sorry. Nook and cranny. But I think it’d be safe to say that most normal, non-porn star men would prefer a little grass on the ole playing field.
That being said, we men love you ladies. Every square inch of you. Regardless of if you’re flying Kojak style or if it’s more like you dropped your sushi on a barbershop floor. We love you no matter what. The hairstyle doesn’t make the woman. And anyway, the decision ultimately lies with you ladies. What do you like? You want it bald as your elbow? So be it. Want a bush that would give a horticulturist a hard-on? Have at it. The bottom line is that whatever you do with it, we will still shower you with gifts and make asses out of ourselves to spend some quality time with it. You. I meant you.
And yes, I was too embarrassed to use the word “vagina” in the writing of this post.
Tom Ciomcia (with help from my 15 year old self)