My, how things have changed from the drinking game fueled partying of yesteryear. No longer do I find myself concerned with trying to get a good looking guy’s attention. I have more important concerns once I finish that 4th round. For instance, what do I have in my pantry that could use some cream cheese? Spoiler Alert: probably pretzels or crackers.
Where am I going with this? Mom-drinking. I’m not sure I ever considered much about this phenomenon prior to becoming a mom, but now I must share what I have learned. This is an outline to make Mom-drinking work for you and adjust your expectations of what a “crazy” night is now that you are a mother. Read it, know it and love it.
Where I used to sneak out for a smoke break in between shots, I now employ the time with surfing the internet. I click on things like “10 facts you didn’t know about Cinnabon.” Amazingly they were, in fact, things I didn’t know.
Where I used to have a Designated Driver handy, now I only must let my husband know I am on break. I also tell the children I am on break the rest of the night for good measure. If they continue to ask me things, I do this thing where I pretend to be an answering machine. Yes, you are right, it just confuses them because they don’t know what those are (the wee little whippersnappers).
I used to head to the bar Nutty’s and eat peanuts. I’d crack open those suckers and leave the shells right there on the ground. Not just me–it was everyone. That was how the bar was (I wasn’t just a nasty patron.) Now I eat Cool Ranch Doritos. Making out with my husband be damned. I need some Cool Ranch. Oh, I just got a light bulb–maybe cream cheese on the Cool Ranch Doritos?
I used to be unconcerned with a hangover and in fact could stay up all night. I didn’t really care too much about the calories being consumed–after all, they were liquid. I’m pretty sure with the amount I tinkled they totally left my body anyway. Now I wonder how this cocktail hour slip up will affect my weightless goals for the week. Hahah–just kidding, I think of that two days later. Now that I’m 30ish, I take 2 days for the hangover to complete the cycle. It goes as follows:
*Day one I must eat everything fried. This is the only way my stomach is happy.
*Day two I drink the water I should have been drinking for the past two days.
*Day three I shake my head in disapproval at my reflection in the mirror and pep talk about how it’s never going to happen again.
I used to crawl into bed “quietly” while giggling over knocking the remote off the nightstand. As the remote crashed onto the floor and the cover came off I knew I would put it back together eventually. I was in no state to MacGyver things. Ok, that part really hasn’t changed. I still do it on occasion and it’s even funnier because it wakes my husband.
My name is Mandy Waysman. Got a problem? Yo, I’ll mom it. I have 2 daughters and a husband that I love to pieces. My work can be found at In The Powder Room as well as humorwriters.org and most recently on BonBon Break. I am also a contributor on Sammiches and Psych Meds. Please follow me on my blog http://www.ohmandelynn.com, Facebook, and Twitter.