The Multi-Tasking Mommy Boob

Boobs. Let’s face it, they might be the most ogled, pictured and talked about parts of the female body, but until you get pregnant, boobs are also pretty damn useless. 

Once you’re in the family way however, those puppies jump into multi-task mode as if they’ve been patiently waiting for this moment all their lives. They morph from soft and squidgy playthings into a super freaking sonic milk cartons. Presenting the amazing stages of the mommy boob:

Hazard light boobs – Even before you’ve peed on the stick, boobs are like early warning lights letting you know that you’re knocked up. They ache like hell and swell up (which means that your partner is dying to get his hands on them, but ouch – don’t touch!).

Inflatable boobs – Oh how they grow! You’ll have the best rack of your life, but just when you finally have something to boast about, they’ll be upstaged by your protruding tummy.   

Come and get ’em boobs – In the rosy perfection of the movies, newborns instinctively snuffle out the food source. In real life you grab your boob and shove it in your their mouth because they haven’t a clue where it is.

Irrigation boobs – Your nipple magically sprouts nodules and squirts milk like a garden sprinkler. Don’t get in the way of that jet stream, baby, or you’ll have a freshly-squeezed creamy face pack.

Icing on the cake boobs – Those fashionista boobs wear white frosting berets (otherwise known as breast pads). These things have a habit of getting lost, turning up in the weirdest places and causing averted eyes and embarrassed snickering. Special occasion icing-types also include cabbage leaves and ice packs.

Magnetic boobs – Is this a baby or a nipple decoration? I swear I could shimmy like an Egyptian belly dancer and that sucker would stay attached. I know it’s nature’s best food, but for f**ks sake, can I have my boobs back?

Glowing boobs – your nipples change color from being constantly wet and sucked, they are red, raw and shiny – just like Rudolf’s nose.

Multi-tasking boobs – Boobs may have been premiered in the Garden of Eden, but they are modern-day technological wizards. They can tell the time (at three hourly intervals), work by remote control (you cry, I spray) and morph into solid rock-like grenades ready to explode their contents if not detonated at once.  

Congested boobs – Yep, boobs come with their own plumbing and you better pray you don’t get a blockage because the boob plunger equivalent is a vicious breast pump. It will suck that motherfucking clog out while you scream for mercy.   

Exclusive boobs – Sorry darling hubby, did someone steal your toys away?

Uber boobs – You got over the sore nipples, the leaking, the blocked duct, the too-much-milk too-little-milk stages and can finally appreciate the wonder of the mommy boob – you are “m-udder of the year.”

Droopy boobs – Do your boobs hang low, do they wobble to and fro, can you tie them in a knot can you tie them in a bow?  Yes? Crap! 

Nerys Copelovitz is a mom, wife, writer and sugar addict who spends too much time in conversation with her laptop and not enough with her husband. You can catch her ruminating on parenting, mid-life and other annoying challenges at http://momificent.com/ and on Facebook at   https://www.facebook.com/momificent.