My Kick-Ass Post-Coronavirus Resume

I have always prided myself on multi-tasking but there is nothing like a pandemic and hunkering down with a houseful of kids to bring latent talents bubbling to the surface. Who knew I was so knowledgeable and flexible? Well–I always suspected– but now I see that the opportunities for a post-quarantine job upgrade are endless.

Here is a sample of my updated resume in case anyone is on the hunt for a rock-star:

IT TECHNICIAN: Varied background in trouble-shooting IT issues across all formats including online learning sites, gaming consoles, streaming services, and virtual meeting software. Expert in the curse and reboot strategy of problem-solving.
RISK ANALYST: Competent at relaying appropriate risk-reward ratios for behaviors outside the prescribed norms. Ability to identify a bad idea before it comes to fruition and notify pertinent parties of the associated risks in proceeding. Additionally, very capable of showing advanced restraint when proper guidelines are ignored resulting in dire consequences and immediate intervention.
COMMERCIAL REAL ESTATE BROKER: Interviewed clients to identify short-term business needs and determine best available working space. Utilized negotiation skills as multiple tenant interest in space complicated terms of agreement. Remained on-call after execution of said agreement as tenants’ needs continually evolved requiring extensive follow-up and reconfiguring of square footage allocation.
SUPPLY CHAIN MANAGER: Responsible for managing resources flowing into and out of assigned location. Developed systems for tracking item use and frequency, pricing options and resupply strategies. Employed rationing, substitutions and creative acquisition tactics when necessary to maintain proper levels of goods and equitable distribution.
UTILITY ASSETS MANAGER: Oversaw the allocation of available utilities for multiple users in a central location. Responsible for educational and training sessions regarding rates, consumption, and green initiatives. Analyzed habits and made recommendations for increased efficiency; particularly water usage in order to prevent an imbalance in the infrastructure.
CIA OPERATIVE: Infiltrated enemy territory to obtain information regarding operatives working to foil the overall team mission. Uncovered concrete evidence including but not limited to, YouTube clips, snack food wrappers, and Tik Tok videos. Responsible for interrogations and house arrest.
BEAUTY TECHNICIAN: Owned and operated a small salon specializing in root touch up, bangs and beard trims, manicures and pedicures. Boasted a roster of repeat customers though ultimately shuttered the business for lack of income and tips.
TUTOR: Proficient in all levels of schooling from Spanish flashcards to Chemistry and ACT Prep. Possesses a solid track record of smack-down success with teenagers resistant to learning anything from anyone. Particularly adept at decoding assignments written in plain English yet indecipherable to anyone under the age of 25.
RECREATION COORDINATOR: Devised recreational opportunities for diverse clientele varying in both age, interests, and attitude. Activities ranged from arts and culture to sports and nature and sciences and were held within a prescribed radius of facility headquarters ensuring safety for all.
CONFLICT RESOLUTION SPECIALIST: Settled disputes between multiple parties with disparate agendas. Utilized the “threaten-and-follow-through” negotiation method to reach mutually agreeable terms amongst warring entities on a daily basis.