When I was a kid, the thought of the year 2000 would cause me to daydream about life on a distant planet, commuting by spaceship, and robots doing my chores while I sat on my ass eating bonbons – a la The Jetsons.

So, here it is 2020 and I’ve gotta be honest. I’m fucking pissed off.

While I technically do have a robot in my house, my beloved Roomba that sucks up copious amounts of dog hair like an Oval Office intern sucks up to her boss, I’m certainly not relocating to Jupiter anytime soon and remain firmly stuck on this dumpster fire of a planet, where koala bears are burning up like toast and all manner of toxic chemicals are coursing through our water cycle and eventually depositing themselves into the fat cells of my thighs.

Beam me the fuck up, Scotty! I’m so done with the monotony and stupidity of this orb.

I’m ready for life on a pristine moonscape in a galaxy far, far away, devoid of idiotic douchenozzles with laughable haircuts who need to prove their penis size with missile launches and military parades.

Thirty years ago, when I was overly optimistic and naïve, I thought all of us Earthlings would be a whole lot more evolved by the year 2020. With all of the incredible technology we have at our disposal, why are we still dealing with bullshit like this:

1. You can still fool a lot of the people a lot of the time. I’m looking at you, Gwyneth Paltrow, with your delicate, dewy skin and beautiful life, hawking overpriced and nonsensical “wellness” crap to women who you have convinced need jade eggs shoved up their hoohaws. You’re a fine actress, I will admit, so why don’t you just stick with that line of work where you can still make millions, rather than bamboozling dumbfuck people into buying shit no one actually needs. You seriously should be ashamed of yourself.

Why can’t people do just a little bit of fucking research to realize that so much of what any celebrity is selling is not going to make them any happier or healthier. Sorry, Kardashian empire. Take your fat-blasting and lip plumping products and just go frolic on a beach somewhere.

2. Women and people of color are still dealing with unbelievable amounts of inequality, discrimination, and racism because far too many white men (and some women) still think they are God. How is this seriously still happening? We discriminate against other humans based on characteristics that they have no fucking say in.  It is 2020, not 1820!

3. We still shame people for mental illness, yet don’t blink an eye when folks pop pills around the clock for a headache or a bout of indigestion. And we act surprised when Johnny shoots up a school because he’s suffered from a mental illness for years, but no one wanted to talk about his issues or get him some help. But hey, let’s allow him to buy a stockpile of firearms, because of the Second Amendment that was passed in 1789. OK, that seems legit.

4. We still allow numbers to define us. Income, weight, age, GPA, and zip code. Bullshit to All. Of. That.

5. We still fear what we don’t understand. Someone with a different way of expressing their sexuality. Or someone who adheres to different religious practices. Or enjoys foods that we think are odd. Evolution, you are not weeding out the imbeciles fast enough. Let’s get on it.

So, here is my plea for residents of planet Earth in this new decade.

USE THE FUCKING INTERNET, PEOPLE. It’s bursting with all the information. Get your heads out of your hairy asses and take just a couple minutes a day from your usual time sucks to expand your damn horizons. Google things other than “Why Megan Markle is ruining the world” and “Will Jen and Brad get back together.”

Read up on why someone else does whatever they are doing that’s different from how you do it. Try to learn about other peoples’ culture, their struggles, and their way of thinking. It’s ALL out there, I promise you. Or better yet, TALK to people. Random strangers on the bus, or the family in front of you in line at the grocery store. Be interested in other humans and inquire about their lives.

Sadly, we have no other planet to escape to yet, and it’ll be a long time coming before the robots can think logically for us, so can’t we all just figure out our shit right here and now?

Siri – can you fucking help us?

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