During the holidays, we all could use a little extra help. We asked our BLUNTmom writers to tell us what kind of imaginary figure they would invent aside from Santa and the elves, who are clearly creating more work for us and not less. This is what they said:
The Christmas Cracker. She crosses the land seeking out husbands who complain about holiday preparations. She gets these crybabies by the cojones and puts the squeeze on them until they sing like a Chipmunk.
Anne A. Radcliffe:
The Holiday Catering Fairy. She magically provides lots of delicious things to eat without messing up your kitchen.
Salutations the Stationery Fairy. She has long grey hair, bejeweled spectacles and a battered burgundy tote filled with cute but not cloying Christmas cards, envelopes, stamps. She also brings a perfect pen with ink that never smears and self-corrects any errors as you write your 137th card
Florence the Family Therapist. She magically appears just as you are about to strangle your sibling with a strand of garland. She delivers accessorized wine glasses, extra large bottles of Ativan and bail money in case she doesn’t arrive in time.
Kirsten Jill Robbins
Winter Wine Fairy. She makes sure your glass is never empty and can cast a spell on difficult loved ones that programs them to say “more wine, my darling?” instead of stuff like “are you sure you should be eating that?”
Harold the Very Helpful Unicorn. He moves the Elf on the Shelf, wraps presents, orders Holiday cards, and has a delicious hot toddy waiting for you when you get home. Then he can use his horn to stab people who piss you off, like people who walk slowly through the mall and the one overachieving mom who brags about the fact she’s already done with everything and is simply “enjoying the holiday.”
Brad the Porn Star Elf. He has more than a little something special for Mommy.
Ralph the Rapping Elf. He wraps and he raps. All your presents will look like they were wrapped by Jack McFarland and it will all be delivered with a fantastic rendition of Christmas in Hollis by RUN-DMC.
What help could you use over the holidays? Have some fun with our authors and let us know what newly invented characters would me you happy? We promise to put in a good word for you with Santa.