The Mean Girls were not left behind in high school; they grew up, had babies, and continue to spread their seeds of evil everywhere they go.
Think you don’t have these women in your life? Think again. They are lurking in corners, ready to spring out and grab out when you least expect it.
1. The Allergy Mom who is Actually a Drama Queen- Your kid is allergic to milk? Then why is he eating a cupcake with cream cheese frosting? Everything has to be gluten-free and vegan with a side of flax? Because your kid will go into anaphylactic shock if exposed to oats? Yeah, no. The only reason you say your kid has allergies is because you don’t want them to eat sugar. Or anything tasty. Or maybe you just love a forum to talk about the challenges your poor Snookums faces. You know, it would be a lot more believable, if when he ingested one of the foods he’s allergic to, you don’t say that it’s actually less of an allergy and more of a “dietary guideline.” You give the real moms who have to struggle with this every day a bad name.
2. Gossip Mom – No, I do not want to hear about your cousin’s affair and the drunk driver she’s sleeping with. When he takes out a road sign while intoxicated, that is not funny. It’s scary and, frankly, why am I talking to you if you don’t realize this? I do not need to be sucked into your Pigpen cloud of drama. Ugh. I can smell the miasma over here.
3. Flip that Shit Back Around to Her Mom – Yes, having a shared story brings about closeness and a bond, but, one-upping someone is just being a bitch. If I share that I’m having a problem potty training, please don’t start talking about it’s so hard for you to have to deal with poopy diapers because you have a queasy stomach or that you can barely afford diapers, because, SIGH, you have another tragedy to deal with. Just agree that potty training sucks and move on.
4. Her Kid is the Best Mom- He weighs 50 pounds and is two feet tall, but damn if he doesn’t have a healthy appetite and excellent sports skills. There is nothing this kid does that is wrong. He certainly didn’t shove anyone, and even if he did, it would be okay because those other kids are older. Let’s forget that he outweighs them and leaves contusions behind, shall we?
5. I Just Threw This Together Mom – Really? The pinwheels and crudites were a 5-minute project between Alexa’s ballet and Johannes’ violin lessons? No. You ignored everyone for hours or sent them off to do math problems, and you made these snacks. All just to say it took no time at all. If it were me, and it never will be because there is nothing in the world than can motivate me to make anything more complicated than PB&J, I would brag about that shit. I’d tell you how I spent two hours on them, and Bitch, if you don’t love them, then just shut your mouth.
6. Give Me Something and I’ll Can It Mom – Yes, you’re the Pioneer Woman and you’ll be ready with your tomatoes when the apocalypse arrives, but for the love all things delicious, please stop posting pictures of fruit and cans on Instagram.
7. Eternally Late, Discombobulated, Someone Praise Jesus if She Ever Actually Does Something She Says Mom – For me, this is the pot calling the kettle black. No, I am never on time, I always look like I ran through a bush backward and I will more than likely forget whatever it is you’ve asked me to do. Will someone please slap a little sense into me and other mothers like me? Or, at least buy us all an organizer? Really. We need it.
Friends, now that you know who the villains are, arm yourself with some “Bitch-Be-Gone” spray and use it liberally. You don’t need that black hole of drama in your life. You have kids; isn’t that stress enough?
I’m guilty of loving gossip, and I somehow always make it about me – like right now – only child alert – but I swear to God I have never canned a single damned thing!
Spare me with the canning with the homegrown veggies. Especially if they’re super tasty.