I recently went to see my doctor and she told me that if I didn’t make some lifestyle changes, I was going to be in a world of trouble down the line.
Being a serious person, I took what she said to heart. I thought long and hard on my drive back home about where I might be going wrong. I walked in the door, called my family into the room and told them that I was going to be doing things differently, under the doctor’s orders.
Step 1: Get more rest!
When my alarm went off the next morning, I shut it off and pulled the pillow back over my head. I fell back asleep and had the weirdest dream that my children kept calling for me. Something about missing gym shoes and hidden backpacks. My husband was in the dream as well, shouting loud enough to bring the house down. Normally their morning antics would totally stress me out, but seeing a 6-year-old boss around a grown man and knowing that I didn’t have to do anything about it, now that was hilarious!
Step 2: Eat more vegetables!
I finally woke up at around 11am and boy did I feel refreshed! Thanks to my pre-planning, I was ready to cross two items off my list: a hearty breakfast and three servings of vegetables. I zapped a full package of bacon until it was sizzling hot and then ate the entire thing while standing in front of the microwave door. Some habits die hard, ya know? Then I rummaged around the fridge and pulled out some tomato juice, a few carrots and one partially-wilted celery stick. I needed some inspiration so I plugged my veritable vitamin harvest into the ingredients finder on my favorite recipe site. Ten minutes of rummaging in the back of my booze cupboard later, I was slurping down a very healthy Bloody Mary. Some people might question the wisdom of having vodka for breakfast, but I read somewhere that the slight dehydration it induces helps you absorb more vitamins. The more you know, right?!?!
Step 3: Take some “Me Time”!
With both my hunger and thirst satiated for the moment, I turned my attention to my next task. Me time! I decided to check the TV to see if there was anything special going on. One episode of Murder, She Wrote and three episodes of the Kardashians later I remembered that I had saved some Sons of Anarchy episodes away for a rainy day. I soon realized that with no one else at home, I was perfectly free to rewind and replay every close-up of Charlie Hunnam’s perfect delicious buttocks without needing to pretend like the remote button was stuck. The more scenes I watched and rewatched the more I got to thinking about me and my needs and how I deserved to be taken care of so I mixed myself up another Bloody Mary and snuck away to the bathroom for a date with my showerhead. Let’s just say that some areas ended up very…. very….clean, m’kay.
Step 4: Drink more water!
When I finally managed to wash all of those dirty thoughts, ahem, dirt particles off me, I set my sights on task four. More water! Fortunately, I had the perfect solution in mind. I cracked open a new box of wine, poured myself a big glass and then topped the whole thing off with a handful of ice cubes. Brilliant! The doctor said I needed to have at least eight glasses a day – no problemo!
To keep myself entertained, I decided to check what my Facebook friends were up to and to see if I could make a bit of a game out of it. Every time I liked a status, I took a swig of my wine. Every time I left a comment, I took a gulp.
Swig. Swig. Swig. Guuuullllppppp.
Turnshs out mah frienns are sum funny peopulll. All them new babies – like like like! Cain’t say like nuff, ya know? One person was talkin bad about the president. Normlly I’d just ‘nore that kind of thang, but today I felt moved to say somethin. My comment wasss ssso long I decided I desherved an extra drink. Cheers to me!
Then, I made up a new game where I refilt my glash ever’time I saw a Jamberry post, and played until my wine box ran out.
Step 5: Lose some weight!
I woke up on the couch when my family came home. My husband took one look at my drunken gaze and the spit trail across my cheek and sent me straight to bed without even asking what I’d made for dinner. After I brushed my teeth, I climbed up on my scale to see how my new program was going. The damn thing kept spinning, so I closed one eye and squinted with the other and lo and behold that dial said I only weighed 100lbs!
As I fell asleep that night, I couldn’t help but think that the doctor might be onto something, because I had never had a more relaxing, informative, fulfilling and enriching day in my life. That, my friends, is the secret to my new healthy lifestyle.