Signs I’m Driving

I often wish I had pre-fabricated signs tucked away in my glove box to flash other drivers. There would be different packages, of course, for my different driving moods and concerns:

The Standard Package:

• Please get off my ass. Now.
• Here’s the number of the nearest driving school.
• You do know you are in the fast lane, right? Do you know what the fast lane is or how it functions? Do you see the string of 20 cars behind you trying to get past this car pulling the tent trailer?
• Thank you for signaling and slowing down five blocks before you turned and for blocking the lane so I could not pass you.
• If I didn’t have a child in the car, I’d flip you the bird. Please know I am thinking fuck-you thoughts.
• Sorry about the swerving. I’m not drunk; my kid can’t get the straw in her juice box/dropped her crackers/wanted a drink/needed the volume turned up on the iPod/was making a cute face/wanted a high-five/is trying to get her coat off because she’s too hot and that’s tricky when you’re in a five-point harness/was eating a crayon.

The Eliviate the Boredom of Driving Package:

• Hey, your wheels, they’re turning!
• How YOU doin’?
• Where are you from?
• Are you on facebook?
• What are you eating?
• Are you wearing pants?
• You have something on your face. Right there.
• Where do you get your hair done?
• How is your grandmother these days?
• Will you stop for supper, or did you pack some snacks? I forgot. Sigh.
• Did you see The Walking Dead last night? Wow, hey!
• I really have to pee, but MAN I hate stopping on road trips. Yanno?

The Fellow Driver in Trouble Package:

• Your tire is not looking well. That one, there.
• Did you know your trunk is open and contents are spilling out causing accidents behind you? Ok, good.
• Did you notice that you can’t see the road in front of you at all? Headlights!
• Is it embarrassing to be one of those people who forgets to close their gas tank after filling up?
• You lost your dog back there.
• Your child’s arm is stuck in the window. It’s looking blue to black.
• Your wife looks pretty mad. I’d apologize if I were you. I see from your plates that you’re from Texas, and man, she looks the type to stay mad cross country.
• Your children are waving at passerbyers. It was cute for a while, but it’s become annoying and I would like to hurt them a little bit.
• You have lipstick on your teeth. Just on the top there.

Aside from the packages, there would be room to make customized signs. What would you like yours to say? What package is of most interest to you?