I was getting my haircut by a new hairdresser and we started making conversation.
“I saw a ring on your hand, how long have you and your husband been married?”
“Oh just over 4 years”
“Oh nice, do you guys have any children?”
“Yeah, we have a son, he is so precious!”
“How old is he?”
“He is almost 4 years old”
“Wow, you guys got married and had the baby right away didn’t you?! No wasting time!”
“Actually, our son is adopted.”
“Oh really? Wow! That is so cool.”
The conversation ensues for a few more minutes but then the inevitable question always arises: “Does your son still see his real mom?”
At this point in the conversation, my heart rate quickens, blood pressure rises, and face starts to flush. Now, I know you have good intentions, but when you refer to my son’s adoptive parent as his “real mom” it feels awful. Let me tell you why.
Adoption is a beautiful thing. I absolutely love our son, like he comes from my own flesh and blood. However, being a part of someone’s flesh and blood isn’t the criteria for overwhelming, all consuming love – just think of your spouse or partner. I love our son so much, I just do. I always tell parents who are thinking of adopting that I highly endorse it.
Now, this is one story, and it is not that unique; many adopted children have had the same experience.
Now that you have some background to our son’s story, what would it feel like for you if someone said, “Does your son still see his real mom?” That begs the question, what is a real mom?
A real mom is someone who holds her child while he cries, feeds her child when he is hungry, Band-Aids and kisses his scrapes and wounds, cuddles her child when he is scared of the monsters, teaches her child the difference between right and wrong, and sets healthy boundaries to ensure the child feels safe. That is what a real mom is. I am my son’s real mom.
I don’t want to shame people that have asked questions using that terminology. Before adopting, I too occasionally and unfortunately referred to the biological parent as the “real parents.” I am sure I have hurt, annoyed and exasperated other adoptive parents with my well-meaning question. Now that I have adopted, I am incredibly aware of the complexities surrounding adoption. More importantly, I know that my bond and love to my son is true, real and deeper than the ocean.
Therefore, if there is one thing you can take away from this; if you don’t know the mom/dad/or parents well and you just found out they adopted be mindful of what you say next. Refer to the biological parents, as the biological or birth parents. Remember who the real moms and dads are.
I am my son’s real mom.
Jessie Princeton is a pen name and the author has chosen to remain cloaked in mystery.
4 Comments
Love this. I have lived it, too. I’m one of the regulars here on Blunt Moms and I would absolutely love to connect with you. I write a lot about adoption, and even though you’ve submitted anonymously, I, would still love to chat with you if you ever wanna reach out.
We’ll done.
Real is such a diminishing distinction. I get that a lot. “Real” women have curves. Apparently I’m not a “real” feminist either. I’m not a unicorn. Neither are you. You are a real mom. You are not imaginary. You are amazing. That is all 🙂
I just wanted you to know (which you probably already do) but your child likely gets the same feelings you described when asked the: who is your/do you know your/so she’s not your… real mom questions.
I was adopted as a baby, I knew my whole life growing up that I was adopted but I have never had another “mom”. When my friends would ask me those questions about my “real mom” I always made sure they knew that my mom WAS my real mom, and my “biological mother” was just…my biological mother. I do love her in my own way, but not as my Mom. I love her as the person who carried me, gave birth to me, and in my case had the strength to realize and decide that she was not my mom and I was not her daughter. I love her and respect that sacrifice and now having a child of my own realizing what a hard and selfless decision that was. But to be sure my mom will never be an “adoptive mom” she’s just mom :), she’s my real mom. (for the record, the same goes for my dad 😉 I can’t forget him too!)
Sorry, but get over yourself. Nobody is trying to intentionally hurt your feelings and if you keep thinking that you can control what other people say then you’re in for a world of hurt feelings for the rest of your life. When people ask that you know exactly what they’re saying…does your child still have contact with the mother that he was born from. Yes, you are an adoptive mother and I’m thankful for women who can take in children that aren’t there’s, but it doesn’t make you a biological mom. It never will. YOU ARE NOT A BIO MOM. A mom, sure, but you’ll never know the bond until you grow your own child inside of you. Now as I said in the beginning of my rant, get over yourself. Now.