Those of you who know me are probably scratching your heads in surprise. I can almost hear you thinking: “What? Is the world ending? Has Olga The Book Addict finally decided to shed her addiction?”
Fret not, my friends; my reading addiction is alive and well and books are still my not-so-guilty pleasure. I love books because of the way they make me feel. There is great beauty to be found in words on a page. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder how brilliant a sentence was, or about the exciting way the author decided to put two words together, or the way the story twists and turns and leaves me in awe of the author’s imagination. I have just bought a new bunch of books and can’t wait to devour them one by one.
So far, I have never regretted reading a book. Even “Fifty Shades Of Grey” wasn’t as bad as I had expected it to be, and I really admired the author for never copy-pasting the sex scenes.
Then I had my first child. True to my bookish nature, I bought all kinds of parenting bibles, from “What To Expect The First Year” to “Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves” and other Attachment Parenting books. And I noticed that it didn’t even matter that I tried to follow the advice, I was never doing enough. I was never good enough. I was a mothering failure. My child didn’t like what I was doing. She refused to be baby-worn. She refused to have a regular schedule. She refused all the things the books promised would have turned my girl into a well-adjusted, happy baby and later toddler. I can’t even begin to tell you about the confusion I felt. For the first time in my life, books didn’t bring consolation. They brought jugment and shaming and thoughts of being a horrible, horrible mom. The worst mom ever. And what’s more, all the methods presented in parenting books, claim to be the one and that if you don’t follow the very strict set of rules, your child will be a disaster, a drug dealer and alcoholic. That didn’t help me much, either.
What followed was a spiral of guilt and confusion. The more confused I got, the more I read and the more confused I got. A vicious circle.
Somewhere along the way, I gave birth to my second girl. I had less time now, so I chose my books carefully and concentrated on the ones I really wanted to read. And this is when I realized that most parenting books are a waste of time. I started thinking of all the things I could be doing instead: shopping, taking a shower, eating, reading something that is actually fun. Since I had my third child, I stopped reading parenting books altogether, except for the ones that really interested me. These books were less about how to have the perfect baby but more about raising children in different cultures, which helped me realize that there really is no perfect method for raising a child.
Instead of reading books, I started talking to friends, doctors, but above all, my mom. Even my MIL proved more helpful when she told me that my second daughter may need therapy, and she was right. And I must say that witty, clever and no-nonsense bloggers, such as the BLUNTmoms, were just what the doctor ordered against parenting-books-induced-anxiety. I was finally able to let go and enjoy my children without being afraid of spoiling them or not bonding with them properly.
I am a theory kind of person. When I don’t know something, I turn to books and try to work from there. So the hardest thing to accept for me was the fact that theory doesn’t always work and that I will have to try to figure out what works and what doesn’t all by myself. That was hard, but because of it, I know more than I knew a year or two ago, and the fact that I did figure it out, really helped boost my confidence. Now, as a mom of three children, I know that raising children takes practice, persistence, and some luck — but not books.
6 Comments
I totally agree. I drove myself crazy reading all the parenting books,how to books and well it never worked!!! I tried everything they told me to do and it didn’t work. I basically drove myself into a depression trying to be the perfect mom, thinking that there was something wrong with me because my child wasn’t doing what the book told me he should be doing. I finally just said screw it. I also started talking to other moms and realized that it’s not me it’s just the way my kid is and there is nothing wrong with that. Great post.
Agi:)
vodkainfusedlemonade.com
Exactly! I felt the same way- and I finally realized that my child is not a robot and won’t follow what anyone thinks she should follow. And I started to just watch her and respond to her needs and that was much better than follow some books!
I very much agree. Someone told me early on to read either no parenting books or all of them – and I immediately saw the point. With none, there’s no blinkering. With all of them, they kind of cancel each other out and common sense hopefully prevails. I think they’re both valid strategies and much better than reading a small selection and trying to follow A Way.
I also now prefer to read about differences in parenting practices across cultures, and my go-to baby shower present is a book about comparative child-rearing practices in different regions. I can’t think of a better gift for a new parent than a manual for how to step back and consider whether the advice they’re getting is really good advice in context.
That was some solid advice! I took the “read all books” advice and realized that I can’t really becuase there are so many of them. I now prefer to read other books- and I agree that cultural differences in parenting make you step back and think about hwat you’re doing. and shows you that there are many ways to a well-adjusted child.
Olga, Your comments about parenting books are very helpful since I’ve just written one and am publisher hunting. I hope what I’m writing doesn’t induce guilt or strain but uplifts and offers a way of life where mothers can get to know the meanings lying behind their kids behaviors, so they can get to know the real human being their child is. Do you have any interest in reading a manuscript that I could email to you? For a taste of what I think about you might go to my blog and see if what interests me interests you (http://lauriehollman,phd.com/blog-parental-intelligence) and navigate around my website to take a peek at who I am professionally. Being a mother has and always will be my number one interest, so i want to really reach mothers where they are. I’d like to sincerely learn what you think and feel as you read.
Thanks. Laurie
Wow I am very similar to you in my relationship to books and how I like to learn. As a person who excelled in academic life, I found myself perplexed when parenting books left me feeling either hopeful that I may be doing an ok job, or sure I was going to damage my kids for life. I guess when we care as much about something as we do our children, it’s understandable that we badly want someone to tell us we are doing it right, however I too am ditching the books (except the ones that resonate with me as they help me feel confident in my own personal style as a parent rather then fill me with doubt) in favour of trusting myself, the resilience of my kids, and letting go of the drive for perfect. I’m reminding myself it’s just about getting it right enough often enough, and missing the mark sometimes is just part of it. Loved this blog.