Such liars – we say “I can’t” when we really mean “I don’t want to”

Such liars – we say “I can’t” when we really mean “I don’t want to”

There is a secret language of women. We turn down invitations to gatherings we just don’t want to go to. We say we can’t make it and then we elaborate on all the things we have to do that night would keep us from going to that wedding shower or whatever. In reality, we don’t want to go. It might be because the invitation or the people there are lame and uninteresting, or that is the night we planned to eat a giant bag of jalapeno chips and resent having our plans derailed.

When it comes to “I can’t” there are more serious lies we spin. We say that we wish our husbands would be more engaged with us, but we can’t seem to get the message across. We winge about our kids not eating their vegetables and we can’t seem to make them. We want more from our lives, but can’t get it. We can’t deal with mean bosses, we can’t get to the gym and we can’t seem to get a haircut we like.

The reality is probably that we just don’t want to. Many womens’ lives are just one big list of “Have to” and we start to get pretty resentful. We pucker up our girl parts to punish our husbands, and eat, and gossip and make right old bitches of ourselves. What we really want to do is get in our cars and keep driving… let somebody else take the kids to soccer. But we don’t, we just lie and find ways to make excuses.

How crazy would I look if I actually said to my friend “No sorry, the thought of joining you at a hot yoga class makes me want to book a quick root canal to avoid it”. Why don’t we talk about what we just don’t want? Instead, we say “Oh I can’t, junior has a tuba tuning class” or some other lame shit.

Mainly we do this because we are trained to be nice and get along and not hurt people’s feelings. So we lie, because in some alternate etiquette universe, that is the morally superior option.

What would happen if you actually said these words to your husband: “Honey, although I pretend it is ok that you have grown hair in places I didn’t think was possible, and you are probably the most hideous thing I have ever seen naked,  I will tolerate all that. What I will no longer tolerate is you sitting around in your 20 year old tighty whities scratching your balls while I do the dinner dishes”.  And what would happen if you said it, and really meant it?

What would happen if suddenly, your child was once again refusing to eat their vegetables suddenly got their plate taken away, and it was returned to them every meal until it was eaten? If mold started to grow, new vegetables would replace the old ones and that is what they are fed. (By the way, I had a friend who did this with cheese and the next day took the child to a big family picnic with her food in a baggie and that was all she was allowed to eat).

What if you were honest and said “I prefer to read a good book than to attend the parents meeting at school thanks”. What would happen is at first you would be marginalized, but then people might also start to respect you.

Here is a tip which you can apply to kids, husbands and dogs. When you totally batshit mean it, they actually can smell cemetery on your tone, and they hop to it. When your hair dresser has screwed up your hair again, you can actually say something, directly and without apology. You pay, your way.. simple as that. When your boss treats you badly it is because you have allowed it.

And if you can’t get the life you want, at least be honest and say “The life I thought I wanted is too hard for me to acquire with the tools and intelligence I have, so I am lowering my standards”. You won’t believe the rush of relief lowering standards can give you.

Try a week of honesty and saying what is on your mind. Say “no” to stuff that feels like a painful obligation and pass a few tasks to others. Make a point of not cleaning the kitchen when you have cooked dinner. Just leave it. Somebody will do it, some day. It may be a showdown for a while, but remember, you have already dropped your standards so you don’t give a crap about a clean kitchen. And then (and this is huge) don’t be such a damned OCD bitch hag about it when others pick up your slack and don’t do things like you would have. So what? They have to learn sometime.

Just for fun, fake an injury, and make your family take care of you. If you are going to be a liar anyway, you might as well get something out of it.

If we sometimes say “I really don’t want to” instead of “I can’t” maybe it would get easier to unclench the old mancave, get the old man out of his fruit of the looms and have some fun.

Advice with a twist: www.magnoliaripkin.com