Because I have a bad-ittude about being a summer stay-at-home mom, I thought I would share some of the not-so-fun ideas posted online by those got-it-together Moms who promise to help me have The Best Summer with my Kids.
These aren’t just crafts, they are activities too–activities for mom, that is, to prepare the out-of-control craft project. You will be wowed at first by the words, “Fun,” “Frugal,” and “Easy.” LIES. First of all, skip any craftivity that requires “day before prep.” The day before your craftivity, you will be pulling your hair out from hearing the words “I’m bored” by 7:28 am.
Avoid any craftivity which requires a trip to the hardware store. You can find better items in your recycling bin, you only need duct tape, and frugal isn’t found in a Home Depot aisle.
If your craftivity involves water in any amount, expect you will get wet, children will cry, and there will be mud, grass, and horror on your kitchen floor within MINUTES. Especially if the water is to be coloured, glittered or mixed with glue.
#2 Day trips.
Here’s one I just found on Pinterest: Top Ten Summer Road Trips…
Take your children to all the usual beach, park, small towns, and antique store. WHAT? Yes, teach your child about history, and explore old postcards and toys. Here is how this road trip turns out: Awful. The End. You will leave with a bill for a one-of-a-kind shitty vintage fire truck that has lead paint, which infects the bleeding cut on Jimmy’s forehead he got when his brother knocked over the post-Edwardian revival shelf.
I am not suggesting you stay home all summer… just don’t be so adventurous or stupid.
#3 Collect bugs, study them and learn.
Fuck that. Mommy hates creepers. Go to the library. Amazing books about bugs, air conditioning, QUIET.
#4 Have a lemonade stand.
Don’t do this. Here’s why. Your children will drink all the lemonade and harass neighbours, which flags you as a pain in the ass. Also, lemonade attracts bees. Be ready for an ER visit. If you do go through with this horrible idea, at least grab some vodka for your share of the pitcher.
#5 Sensory shaving cream play.
I’m telling you from experience if you see a craft with the word shaving cream in it, AVOID. First, little Susie is going to smell like an old man who lives near the sea for at least four days. Your sensory overload will leave a lasting detachment to Susie. Second, it will get in their mouth. This leads to tears, drama, screaming and a sense of failure on your part. So don’t. Unless you want to spend a week’s wages on unscented, organic shaving cream, which in the end isn’t frugal at all.
So what can you do with Johnny and Susie this summer? Camp. Overnight, far away camp.