I am officially middle-aged. I have a love/hate relationship with this phase of my life. And though we all slide into this stage at different rates, here is a list of possible ways you can tell if you are also stuck in the middle.

1-Injuries take longer to heal, both of mind and body.

2-You see hot guys in their 20’s and immediately think, “He could be my son.”

3-You can’t remember the last time you ate Taco Bell drunk.

4-Your doctor begins mentioning phrases like “water aerobics” and “low impact.”

5-At least once a day you say to yourself, “I am turning into my mother.”

6-Spending 30 minutes in Target by yourself is almost as wonderful as an orgasm.

7-You bring meals to friends who lose parents because you don’t know how else to heal their broken heart.

8-More and more of your selfies include vegetables from your garden.

9-You look back on wasted time with equal parts appreciation and regret.

10-You dedicate yourself to both a real and Netflix marathon with equal gusto.

11-You kick yourself for not having this much confidence in your youth.

12-When you remember you have fewer years with your children than greater it feels hard to breathe.

13-The coolest people you know were likely “dorks” in high school.

14-Your best friends are the mirror you look through to glimpse your real self.

15-You pick your nose in the car and don’t care who is watching.

16-You spend as much time plucking chin hairs as you used to spend planning your outfit.

17-You don’t apologize unless you are being a real asshole.

18-You attend divorce parties and baby showers in the same weekend.

19-You know things don’t always happen for a reason. Sometimes bad shit happens for no reason at all.

20-You don’t waste your time on people who are moody, cheap or negative.

21-You can remember every word to Ice Ice Baby but regularly forget why you walked into a room.

22-A perfect Friday night is a nice bottle of red and a Netflix documentary.

23-Ninety percent of the time you are referred to as “so-and-so’s mom.”

24-You still think farts are funny.

25-You are spread too thin.

26-You never believe you are doing enough.

27-You collect recipes like you used to collect phone numbers.

28-Most of your incoming calls are from your kids’ friends.

29-You are changing your toddler’s diapers while solving Common Core math for your pre-teen.

30-Texts from your friends have turned from dating advice into requests for book recommendations.

31-You can’t wait to have sex.

32-You are too tired for sex.

33-You wonder if you are having enough sex.

34-You used to worry if your outfit was trendy. Now you wonder if it accentuates your C-section scar.

35-Staying out until bar close has been replaced with day drinking followed by needless Amazon Prime purchases.

36-Eventually there comes a day, driven by choice or circumstance, when there will be no more babies. Even though you are done expecting, you never get over the expectation of what a new child brings.

37-You sneak Gin and Tonics into your kid’s choir concerts.

38-You host a conference call while simultaneously cleaning dog puke, emptying the dishwasher and brushing your teeth.

39-You have zero tolerance for fake people, food or conversation.

40-You say “no” more.

41-You still say “yes” too much.

42-More and more of your wardrobe involves elastic.

43-You are overscheduled and under-stimulated.

44-Your childhood celebrity crush is featured in the “Sexy Over 60” section of magazines.

45-Someone your age dies of a heart attack.

46-You complain of ‘bad lighting’ when you can’t read a restaurant menu.

47-You discover an inch long nipple hair and wonder how many showers you must have taken and never noticed an inch long nipple hair.

48-You wonder what happened to Larry from Three’s Company.

49-You are still scared of the dark.

50-You are unstoppable.

 

What about you? How did you realize you are firmly in the middle?

Julie Scagell
Author

Julie has a Masters degree in Psychology, which has proved useless in trying to understand her teenaged daughter. She has the attention span of a gnat, zero sense of direction and loses at least 3 things every day. Except for a minor situation at a county fair, her children are not on the short list of items she’s lost. She is extremely proud of this. You can find her writing on Facebook or Twitter. She has been published on the Washington Post, Babble, McSweeney’s, Scary Mommy, and Huffington Post, among others.

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