I am officially middle-aged. I have a love/hate relationship with this phase of my life. And though we all slide into this stage at different rates, here is a list of possible ways you can tell if you are also stuck in the middle.
1-Injuries take longer to heal, both of mind and body.
2-You see hot guys in their 20’s and immediately think, “He could be my son.”
3-You can’t remember the last time you ate Taco Bell drunk.
4-Your doctor begins mentioning phrases like “water aerobics” and “low impact.”
5-At least once a day you say to yourself, “I am turning into my mother.”
6-Spending 30 minutes in Target by yourself is almost as wonderful as an orgasm.
7-You bring meals to friends who lose parents because you don’t know how else to heal their broken heart.
8-More and more of your selfies include vegetables from your garden.
9-You look back on wasted time with equal parts appreciation and regret.
10-You dedicate yourself to both a real and Netflix marathon with equal gusto.
11-You kick yourself for not having this much confidence in your youth.
12-When you remember you have fewer years with your children than greater it feels hard to breathe.
13-The coolest people you know were likely “dorks” in high school.
14-Your best friends are the mirror you look through to glimpse your real self.
15-You pick your nose in the car and don’t care who is watching.
16-You spend as much time plucking chin hairs as you used to spend planning your outfit.
17-You don’t apologize unless you are being a real asshole.
18-You attend divorce parties and baby showers in the same weekend.
19-You know things don’t always happen for a reason. Sometimes bad shit happens for no reason at all.
20-You don’t waste your time on people who are moody, cheap or negative.
21-You can remember every word to Ice Ice Baby but regularly forget why you walked into a room.
22-A perfect Friday night is a nice bottle of red and a Netflix documentary.
23-Ninety percent of the time you are referred to as “so-and-so’s mom.”
24-You still think farts are funny.
25-You are spread too thin.
26-You never believe you are doing enough.
27-You collect recipes like you used to collect phone numbers.
28-Most of your incoming calls are from your kids’ friends.
29-You are changing your toddler’s diapers while solving Common Core math for your pre-teen.
30-Texts from your friends have turned from dating advice into requests for book recommendations.
31-You can’t wait to have sex.
32-You are too tired for sex.
33-You wonder if you are having enough sex.
34-You used to worry if your outfit was trendy. Now you wonder if it accentuates your C-section scar.
35-Staying out until bar close has been replaced with day drinking followed by needless Amazon Prime purchases.
36-Eventually there comes a day, driven by choice or circumstance, when there will be no more babies. Even though you are done expecting, you never get over the expectation of what a new child brings.
37-You sneak Gin and Tonics into your kid’s choir concerts.
38-You host a conference call while simultaneously cleaning dog puke, emptying the dishwasher and brushing your teeth.
39-You have zero tolerance for fake people, food or conversation.
40-You say “no” more.
41-You still say “yes” too much.
42-More and more of your wardrobe involves elastic.
43-You are overscheduled and under-stimulated.
44-Your childhood celebrity crush is featured in the “Sexy Over 60” section of magazines.
45-Someone your age dies of a heart attack.
46-You complain of ‘bad lighting’ when you can’t read a restaurant menu.
47-You discover an inch long nipple hair and wonder how many showers you must have taken and never noticed an inch long nipple hair.
48-You wonder what happened to Larry from Three’s Company.
49-You are still scared of the dark.
50-You are unstoppable.
What about you? How did you realize you are firmly in the middle?
