Yo, middle-age! You sure did sneak up on us over here at BLUNTmoms. And, although we’ve been expecting you, we can’t help but feel offended by some of the nasty and mean shit you’ve brought along to the party.

Now, don’t get us wrong, we are warriors; ready to take on whatever you toss our way.  But we will bitch about it. We must bitch about it because venting and commiserating makes us feel better, damnit!

And, while we’re complaining, tweezing, and locating our missing glasses (usually on our heads), we like to pour ourselves a nice glass of red wine. After all, it’s good for us, right? With all its antioxidants and “gym-like” effects.

So, why don’t you join us for a little wine-sipping bitchfest. We’re happy to have you here.

The 30 Most Annoying (& Sometimes Gross) Things About Midlife:

  1. Chin hairs,
  2. Neck hairs,
  3. And motherfucking nipple hairs. (Yet, as one of our beloved BLUNTmoms has suggested, perhaps God really does give us what we need? Like our own at-the-ready eyelash extensions. Boom!)
  4. Sneeze-pees,
  5. Missing keys,
  6. Muffins tops,
  7. And sketchy knees. (Mama’s gonna need a ‘lil help getting up.)
  8. Heartburn, (But I love coffee, wine, and chocolate!)
  9. Tweens that turn (into hormonal beasts).
  10. Lazy digestive tracts,
  11. Sore and aching backs.
  12. Temperamental sciatic nerves. (Damn you high heels!)
  13. Pick-up lines from creepy perves.
  14. Memory loss,
  15. An old wardrobe to toss.
  16. Lines and wrinkles,
  17. More frequent tinkles. (Hello 2 a.m.)
  18. Arms that wave from below.
  19. Flashes of heat,
  20. Changes of mood.
  21. Unexpected comments,
  22. Coming across as rude. (Did I just say that?)
  23. Blurry menus,
  24. Farts that slip out.
  25. The writing of lists,
  26. A foot that has gout.
  27. The need for bifocals,
  28. And a weekend away.
  29. Midlife can suck it!
  30. But it’s here to stay. (Until late-life hits and we can make a new, and even more bitch-worthy, list).

We really could name over a hundred indignities, but we keep our sense of humour intact. Because if we weren’t ripping a gut laughing (despite the farting thing) we’d be crying buckets! And they say cry-lines are even worse than laugh-lines…

So, cheers to midlife and its cruel sense of humour!

What’s your biggest #MidlifeWoe? Join in our bitchfest by commenting below.

Shannon Day
Author

Shannon Day is co-author of Martinis & Motherhood: Tales of Wonder, Woe & WTF?! (a funny and heartwarming book & martini guide for moms). She is a freelance writer and blogger whose words and wit can be found at several online sites, including her own: Martinis & Motherhood. Get in touch with Shannon via Facebook or Twitter.

14 Comments

  1. Heather, I remember those days!

    That said, one another annoying truth about midlife is once you’re actually through menopause, you can feel GREAT! Perimenopause was wildly problematic (“crime scene” weeks, chronic pelvic pain from cysts/endometriosis…) and eventually it led to a hysterectomy (which I’d fought for years). But within 6 weeks, I was feeling MUCH better and continue to feel better nearly four years later. Chronic pain really wears you down.

  2. Shannon Day

    Hi Laurie,
    You have painted quite a tough journey there! But what I like is that light at the end of the tunnel that you’ve shared. I haven’t yet started menopause and, I have to admit, the mood swings are what worry me the most. I don’t want to scare everyone away!

  3. Kristine Laco

    This is a perfect list, Shannon. I call my boob hairs spider nipples and ask my husband to ‘squish the spider’ for me. It works every time.

  4. Is it sad that I’m not to “midlife” yet, but I can already identify with about half of these? Oof.

    Hilarious!

  5. Shannon Day

    Yes! Some essential ones there. I think we may need to do a “30 More Annoying (& Sometimes Gross)Truths About Midlife” post. Thanks for reading, Celeste. 😉

  6. By the third day in EVERY period I end up having a murder mystery in my bathroom. You’d think by this point in life I’d have figured this shit out but apparently not.

  7. I’m gonna be 70 and the topic is where am I now?
    Somewhere between ‘middle’ age and ‘low-high’ age?
    I’ve got kids, grandkids, two ex-husbands, a boyfriend, and…
    a permanent appointment every 3 weeks to “get rid of the gray”
    I’ve got one son in London, England, one daughter in Los Angeles, and one son near me.
    I’ve got lots of points at the ready for when the invitation to fly over and visit comes;
    and lots of gas in my tank when the offer comes to brave the highway traffic and visit the local son & family.
    I’ve got a great sense of humor, and two teenage grandkids that I do great stuff with.
    They are my payoff, and well worth the wait!
    I am definitely mapping my own course, and it’s exciting!!

  8. Shannon Day

    Welcome to the party! I would say it’s not a bad thing. Just because you’ve joined us early doesn’t mean your list will grow any more quickly. You may just stick with the annoying midlife truths, that you’ve already been blessed with, for quite a while!

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