Puberty is potentially one of the most awkward times in a person’s life. Periods, boners, breasts. Pubes, B.O. and zits… these are just the physical changes. What about emerging sexual desires, stifled and hidden out of fear, shame and embarrassment? We are sexual creatures during all stages of life but our culture doesn’t make it easy for anyone, especially those just embarking upon their journey into young adulthood. I say we break the ice and help our kids out by giving them permission to be sexual in age-appropriate ways. You can start by telling them to masturbate as much as they fucking want.
Would it be weird to give each of them a beat-off gift box to mark their passage into young adulthood? Permission to explore their bodies, permission to follow their body’s natural urges and permission to take their first tentative steps towards becoming a sexually responsible person. Plus, a good orgasm will solve almost any teenage problem, so consider it a tool for parenting.
Think of the beat-off box as the ultimate care-package, but instead of a box laden with cookies and candy, this box has porn. Acquiring the necessary items for the assembly of your child’s box will take you to questionable parts of town, dark and sordid places, strewn with latex and laden with lubrication. Take heart – many cities have classy and brightly lit adult stores with helpful employees just waiting to help you find beat-off box accoutrements.
The Beat-Off Gift Box for Boys
The boy beat-off box is a no-brainer. The male species tend to be uncomplicated and very visual when it comes to getting a boner.
Start with the obvious; lube, a box of tissues and a roll of little baggies for crusty-tissue disposal. Some young men might even like a bulk package of tube-socks and a jar of Vaseline. Options are a good thing.
Next, consider visual aids; porn mags and a comprehensive list of recommended websites for free porn. Don’t forget the “Do Not Disturb” sign to hang on his door.
The Beat-Off Gift Box for Girls
The girls’ beat-off box takes a bit more forethought, so set aside some time to plan. Girls tend to need more emotional stimulation, as visuals might make them cringe or throw up. Again, the obvious items include lube (preferably with a warming component), some tissue and a few erotic novels. If you think she’d be open to it, you can include some lesbian porn. Let’s be real – male porn actors are usually gross and you don’t want to traumatize her.
The anatomy of a female is decidedly more complicated than that of a male. There are folds and flaps and moisture to contend with, so think about include a medical diagram of a vulva with simple instructions on where they should be directing their attention. Be sure to circle and highlight the clitoris.
I recommend including a small and simple vibrator. I would stay away from the enormous and/or complicated dildos. Preferably one without appendages or rotational devices. Perhaps place a gift card to your local sex shop for when she’s ready to move onto something more advanced.
Many girls, especially the more reserved ones, will hate and resent the beat-off box at first, but give them time. It might sit under their beds for a few months, but curiosity and courage will prevail, even if it’s 5 years down the line.
The only thing left to do is to figure out how to present your kid with the beat-off box. A family diner might be over the top and you might end up with a scenario not unlike the one below.
Parent: “Son, this is a special time in a boy’s life and here is a gift to help mark this rite of passage.”
Son: “Wow! It’s not my birthday, I wonder what it is? Lotion? Socks? I’m not sure what this is?”
Parent: “Keep looking, kiddo- it’ll all be clear in a moment!”
Son: “Kleenex and a bottle of gel? It says KY Jel… OH MY GOD! What the fuck is this?”
Parent: “Now Brian, don’t get upset- we just wanted to give you a special gift to welcome you to manhood.”
Son: “Jesus, Dad. I’m not sure what you want me to say, but this is seriously fucked up. Mom- did you put him up to this?”
Mom: “Of course not! I just bought the porn and lube, but it was all his idea! And watch your language young man.”
No, nope and another handful of nopes.
I’ve made light of the situation, clearly, but in all seriousness, adolescence marks a time of massive change and many kids find themselves in a bizarre gray area, not yet adults but no longer children. Young brains grapple with the hormone-induced urge to engage in sexual activity, but lack adult guidance to navigate this tumultuous and complicated territory. A beat-off box is a gesture, both symbolic and concrete, that yes, it’s OK to scratch the ultimate and historically forbidden itch. Yes, it’s OK to be young and to be sexual and to feel pleasure, free of guilt, shame or fear.
Go on, son… get to it, daughter. Rub one out and enjoy the fuck out of it.