All the gift guides are coming your way, my loves. You will be shown beautiful candles and artisan soaps for your mother-in-law. For your husband, they may suggest some smelly beard oil or a nose hair trimmer. Are you excited yet?
Yeah, I didn’t think so.
Screw that shit. Make your own list, the one for gifts you want for yourself during this season of excessive consumption.
Would you like any of these under the tree?
- Meat Cleaver – You don’t have to use it for actual cooking, just put it through your belt loop and strut around the grocery store like you’re open carrying.
- Trail Slippers – high traction and fuzzy at the same time, because really, do you really need hiking boots to shuffle from your couch to the pantry?
- Gas Powered Vibrator – be specific, not the pull-start kind, the pushbutton one. More expensive but your satisfaction is worth it.
- Chocolate Fountain – who doesn’t want one of these? You can store it in the secret closet where you stealth eat cookies and your kids Hallowe’en candy.
- Covid Masks – You will want a selection for safety and fashion. They could deliver handy messages like “You’re Welcome” or “Don’t talk to me” “I fucking hate this” or even “Hey Maskless warrior, enjoy your ventilator.”
- Books – not the garbage dom/sub books that are so popular. Make a list of erotica written by women and see how fast your husband burns through his credit card loading them under the tree.
- A She Shed – A comfortable mini cottage for your backyard. They come with seating for one and a wine rack. The best ones lock from the inside.
- A Onesie – specifically the one with a flap and warning signs all over it. “Approach at your own risk.” Or “Speak only if you see me with coffee.”
- A Vacation to Anywhere but Here – If you have been exceptionally good this year (not necessarily obedient) you should put this one on your list with a star for emphasis. Make it clear that you are up to your ass in other people’s needs and you want a break. Add a note to this item: Book a single seat or it’s going to get ugly.
As moms, we are usually the management department of all the gifts, but you should get the things you want too. No lame tea selections or ugly bracelets. Not one more pithy advice on a mug. And if somebody gives you a sign for your wall that says “Believe” ask for the receipt and exchange it for a chocolate fountain.
Print this list out and tape it all over your house and wait.