It happens every year. The inevitable arrival of summer vacation. As mothers this means we all converge on the kid-related venue that costs us the least amount of money.
Because of this, we come in contact with other moms and whether we like to admit it or not, we observe and sometimes judge. We watch how they parent, what they wear, how they behave and often, we compare ourselves. Since I’m very guilty of this, I’ve seen a few styles of moms that stand out more than the rest.
Yoga Mom
I wish I could say I was one of them. Yoga moms not only jog behind their double stroller, they also completed a 3 mile hike and yoga class at dark o’ thirty that morning. Yoga moms rock their Lululemon work out gear and push out leg lifts while the kids climb the play structure. Yoga Mom can eat fruit salad for lunch and claim she’s stuffed. Fuck her.
Crunchy Mom.
Crunchy moms grind their own peanut butter on site and serve it with their home canned jam, freshly baked oat bread and a side of quinoa salad. Crunchy mom can cover a lot of ground easily and efficiently thanks to her Keen sandals. She often sports toned, tanned arms from the hours spent tending her organic garden. She can effortlessly wear a kid on her back in an ergo, while whipping her boob out at a moment’s notice for that fussy 5-year-old.
Duggar Mom
Duggar mom is often confused with a child care provider. She has a big enough brood that it’s safe to assume she has brought her entire day care on a field trip. She is a natural family planning disaster and has enough kids to make a Mormon jealous. Duggar mom wears sensible Dansko shoes for quick maneuvering and lunch was prepared assembly line style by the older kids in preparation for their day out. Her kids wear matching t-shirts for easy detection in the event one of the younger children wanders off. No worries, that’s what big brothers are for….
Leash Mom
Leash moms strap a dog leash on their kid’s belt loop and call it a stroller. I feel for the poor kid when he or she forgets they are attached and tries to run. Talk about whiplash. Leash mom sports extra tight tank tops which reveal some serious boob sweat, short shorts and weathered tramp stamps. In addition to holding her kid’s noose, leash mom has her camera phone at the ready. All her photos end up blurry since her kid keeps trying to pull on the lead, much like an eager dog headed for the park. Leash mom needs to reel herself in for a change and see what that shit feels like.
Style Maven Mom
Style maven mom can wear a strapless maxi dress in the petting zoo and look graceful while doing it. She coordinates cool, chunky jewelry, appearing completely put together and sophisticated as she manages her young charges. She can produce juice boxes and fruit snacks like a boss and knows a thing or two about party favour bags, registering her kids for gifts and RSVP’s to their birthdays. She can effortlessly hold coffee in one hand, text message with the other and yell encouraging comments to her kids as they navigate through the goats and chickens.
Older Mom
This is where I land. I may or may not have showered before embarking on our outing. Fuck it all, I honestly can’t remember. I am seriously overdue getting my hair colored so it’s a toss-up whether or not I’m the kid’s grandmother. Keep ’em guessing I suppose. Clothing consists of the t-shirt I slept in and funky (think mother-in-law style) capris. In one hand I hold coffee which I try to inhale in hopes of an immediate buzz while the other is fumbling with my wallet and camera because I forgot to bring a purse and lunch. Speaking of lunch, I end up buying my kids Dippin’ Dots at the overpriced vending cart and call it a meal. By the time we get home I’m so exhausted I flop on the couch and allow the kids open-ended video gaming time.
Whatever kind of mother you are it doesn’t matter. What really matters is who gets in line first at Old Navy’s flip-flop sale. It’s the one day of the year where all mothers agree: that $1.00 price tag is fucking awesome.
1 Comment
$1 sandals! What?! Sign this wanna-be Yoga/Crunchy mom up!