Necessity is the mother of inventions and BLUNTmoms are definitely innovative. We are so crafty, we make our own orgasms. As innovative as we are, we know our limits. For the next time you decide to “DIY” in the bedroom, BLUNTmoms compiled a list of things that should never be used as sex toys (no matter what Pinterest says).
- Video Game Controllers. While they vibrate pleasantly and are often used for one-player games, there are better ways to level up. Don’t use the thing your kid uses to build worlds in Minecraft to rock your world.
- Christmas Ornaments. Benwa balls don’t need glitter to light up your night and it will just land you on the naughty list. Get your holly-jolly on with something that doesn’t contain a hook that could get stuck somewhere. Jingle all the way to something safer for insertion.
- Fiery Cheetos. It’s natural to get hungry when the sun goes down, but the only hole snack food should go is your mouth. Hot nights shouldn’t come from spicy powder that gets trapped in your naughty bits. Britney Spears loves Cheetos like nobody’s business but even she would suggest using something less hazardous when you want to “Hit Me Baby One More Time.”
- Hand Blender. This is taking domestic bliss too far. Mix it up some other way. You can break up the monotony and blend in excitement using something better suited to the task at hand. Whipping up a good time can be fun, but your soft and squishy bits could get seriously mangled by the beater.
- Your Kid’s Doc McStuffins Microphone. While we are always looking for something to make us scream louder, your kid’s microphone is going to leave you with a lot of feedback. Let Doc McStuffins stick to making dolls feel better and play doctor with something more age-appropriate. Don’t McStuffin that where it doesn’t belong.
- Cell Phone on Vibrate. It might feel like its got your number, but you need a better connection. Charge up your love life with something that won’t drop your call. You need something that’s going to give you 3 Os, not 3Gs. If you can’t find something more suitable, maybe use a quarter and call someone who cares.
- TV Remote. You push its buttons, it shouldn’t push yours. You can “channel surf” for hours, but you will probably find there’s nothing on, as usual. Your TV guide won’t have enough information to get you through this.
- Pickles. It’s a dill, dude, not a dildo. Everyone wants their pleasure to be well-preserved, but why add to your frustration trying to wrestle open the jar? You can marinade in your own juices, you don’t need help. Just think of how hard it is to fish one out of a jar, if you lose one up there you will definitely be a in a pickle (instead of the other way around).
- Electric Toothbrushes. While a good O can leave you singing Happy Birthday over and over like the dentist suggested, even he will tell you brushing alone is not enough. 9 out of 10 dentists recommend brushing your teeth; the other guy recommends not sticking it up your vagina. Multiple settings and minty freshness are great, but maybe use something more specialized to fill your cavities.
- Vacuum. You just want to spend the night shouting Eureka, but using a vacuum can really suck. The crevice tool and beater bar were not intended to be taken so literally. Blowing the cobwebs out of your nooks and crannies can be a blast of fresh air, but you don’t want to get tangled in the cord.
There are ways to make your sex life more Pinteresting, but you might want to skip the list above if you want to make your own orgasm. Good luck with your next “DIY” project!
Have fun, but maybe “lay” off the Pinterest.
