I’m a wife and SAHM in my early thirties. I have an almost three-year old son. I’m starting to think my marriage has hit the seven-year itch, if that’s even a real thing.  I’m also a little obsessed with Fifty Shades of Grey. And Christian Grey. I know it’s just a book and he is just a fictional character from a book. Well I sort of know.  Mom friends tell me this all the time.  “Jen, that’s not real life.” But why can’t the sex parts be real life? Why can’t those be real for me?

Fifty Shades was a sort of sexual awakening for me. This is not the sex I’ve ever had with my husband, but it’s the sex I want to be having with my husband. I’m not talking about BDSM. Whips and chains and crops don’t excite me. But I am talking about the hot and sweaty, throw me up against a wall or bend me over a table, dominant man take charge, skilled with his fingers, knows exactly how a woman’s body works type of sex. And well, this isn’t exactly happening in my 7th year of marriage.  I don’t want my husband to make love to me. I want him to fuck me.

Why wasn’t this book written when I was in my early twenties? The time before I met my husband, where I causally dated and slept around. Maybe if I realized who I was and what I wanted in the bedroom then, I would have spent more time exploring my sexuality before I committed it to the same man for life.

Now I need to tell my husband about this new revelation. He should be excited.  Time to spice things up…break out of our comfort zones. What husband wouldn’t want to hear such talk from his wife? What man doesn’t want a woman who wants to have sex all the time? Apparently not my husband. The one who would rather watch the same reruns of The Big Bang Theory over and over again on the couch after the little one has gone to sleep rather than throw his wife over his shoulder all caveman-like and then fuck her brains out. My husband who responds with, “When have you ever known me to be aggressive?”

This isn’t completely his fault. I haven’t exactly been sexually aggressive before, so he has to get used to this new me. Maybe I have to be aggressive to get him to be aggressive. I’ve ordered sex toys. Sex toys that still remain in the box inside his closet. I’ve mentioned countless times about new positions and spontaneous sex on various surfaces in our house. Why not bathroom sex in a public place? Role-playing perhaps. Has any of this happened? No! What about hotel balcony sex the past few times we have gone on vacation alone? Nope!

All he does is try to gently kiss and nudge me when we get into bed for the night. I’m sick of gentle. I want to feel passion and excitement.  Why can’t he initiate this? By this time (and he’s had countless opportunities by now), I’m done. Don’t look at me. Don’t touch me.  Then he gets offended when I roll over to go to sleep without kissing him back. I pretend to be tired or fake a headache. How cliché. Sometimes I just ignore him to read on my iPad. I want to yell at him, “If you want a kiss, then stop being a little baby, pin me down, and kiss me.” “If you want my attention, rip the iPad out of my hand, throw it on the floor, and climb on top of me!”  I’m getting tired of trying to get him to take charge. Maybe I should just be blunt, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I just want him to do this without me having to always tell him. Is that really too much to ask?

I’m not giving up yet, but I can’t pretend this doesn’t worry me.  What if we can’t make this work?  What if we aren’t sexually compatible anymore?  Should this be a deal breaker? I don’t want it to be, but I’m too young to give up on having my mind blown in the bedroom.  Maybe I need to call that sex therapist I’ve been Googling.

And so I keep reading and alluding to better sex and hoping my husband eventually gets it.  My iBooks app is becoming a library of porn.  Porn for sexually frustrated SAHMs.

(This post is part of our Blunt Talk About Sex series)

Jen Schwartz, expert postpartum depression survivor and real, bad-ass mom is the founder of the blog, The Medicated Mommy. After kicking postpartum depression’s ass, she learned the importance of accepting herself as the mom she is (one who pops an antidepressant every morning), not the mom she thought she was supposed to be (domestic goddess and Pinterest’s mom of the year). Jen is here to tell you, you’re not alone. Forget about the mom you think you should be. Tell all those “shoulds” to go f**k off! The mom you are is amazing and she is enough. Jen is a published author, influencer at Mogul, and regular contributor for The Huffington Post, Thrive Global, The Mighty, Motherlucker, Red Tricycle, and Suburban Misfit Mom. Her writing has also been featured in Scary Mommy, Mamalode, Kveller, Blunt Moms, and more.

Jen Schwartz is the founder and writer of the blog, The Medicated Mommy   You can also connect with her on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram


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  1. NO wonder why men are so confused these days…if they show their masculinity, and take charge the the regressive feminists will cry a river.

    When we are learning to be frigging soft and gentle lovers..then hello men..time to man up. Where the hell will we go. it seems we are doomed in either way anyway. I would rather go what will make me frigging happy from now on. A bit of foreplay, in MY term, and then, pin you down and let unleash the piston.

    Stuff that all softy shit!

  2. There are various kinds of sex toys and products today that can enhance your sexual performance, from lubricants for women experiencing dryness, to realistic dildos for those missing their partner.

  3. I couldn’t agree with you more.

    I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for just over 4 years now. Don’t get me wrong, I love him to death and think he’s VERY attractive. But. There are times when I would love nothing more than him to just grab me and just go crazy! Personally, I’m not into the whole slapping and chocking thing, but whatever floats your boat.

    What I would really love is for him to just dominate me. Control me. Pin me down and restrain me. Not to the point where it hurts, just to the point when I can feel a bit of pressure and strength from him.

    At the moment our sexual encounters have become very routine. It’s like I know what’s going to happen before it has already happened, which can make it hard to climax. The lights are always off, but that is down to my own insecurities. Because we have both lived with our parents whilst in a relationship we have got a habit of being very quiet as well.

    One of my fantasies is just coming home from work and BAM! He’s thrown me on the bed, stripped off all of my clothes, is holding me down where he wants and doing whatever he wants to do. Pinning my arms above my head, pulling my hair from behind, flipping me over and just throwing me around the room. Telling me what he wants me to do, not what he would like me to do.

    I’m a woman who has a man, but needs that man to release his inner man!

  4. Ughhhh tell me about it. Some times I want a bit of hair pulling and pain but nobody will dish it out. That being said, my husband is scared to do that because of what he’s been told growing up. It’s not really his fault to be honest but it kind of sucks!

  5. Been married 18 years and 3 kids and sex has always been great. But it has to come from both sides. Girls need to keep up with themselves appearance wise. Look good! It’s important I think. I see it a lot women letting themselves go and after they divorce they lose weight clean up …what the hell. If ya looked that good while you were married just maybe the house would be rockin even if you have kids. Also play it up girls look good buy nice clothes underwear and bras buy some crochless panties don’t be shy to buy some sex toys there are some amazing things out there. Maybe you need to start the rough play biting restraining hair pulling he just might feel aroused by it and return the favor. If he does something you don’t like be aggressive put his hand where you want it to be grab his hair and pull to where you want his head to be . You might be surprised he might like it but you won’t know till you try it. Dirty talk is the best if your shy practice watch some porn learn how to and what to say . This might be a bit scattered but one thing every women should know how to do is have a real orgasm. Get a good vibrator and learn your body I think it’s a lot more satisfying for a women and a man to know he can give you one.

  6. This 50 Shades of Grey is brainwashing bullshit. I agree with the first commenter I read at the top, don’t punish your husband and ignore his needs just because you want him to be aggressive with you, that’s incredibly selfish. If it’s a big deal to you, then have a serious talk about it….don’t cheat or leave him because of your vague hinting didn’t do the trick. Look it things from his perspective.

  7. Bitter much?? Your comment holds zero content worth considering! Make suggestions, not accusations of things you have no facts to back them with!

  8. ImTHATwife Reply

    What? Wait! NO! oh YES! Ladies — lets not be harsh – she’s being honest! And frankly I often feel the same way! Spice it up baby! I’ve been married 22 yrs , been with him for 32. And YES….lets spice it up! Don’t get me wrong….make love to me — yes however sometimes I want to be fucked. Lets rock and roll honey! I do find that I need to kick it up — take the reigns and let him know….yea honey its gonna be a wild ride tonight — we’re going for the buckle! Giddy UP! Like another post mentioned many times men, from what they’ve been raised by are gentle and loving…and thats good…however if your looking for more — this IS your man….let him know — be honest. Pull those sex toys outta the closet and use em….yea…right in front of him — he’ll join in….and love it! Ladies, bottom line is — if you want it, SAY IT….and go for it. If not he’ll never know…don’t beat around the bush — GO!

  9. He absolutely wants to, um, how do I put this gently, want to bang your brains out. I would suggest you take control once, be aggressive and what’s the bet he’ll end up returning the favor. I can guarantee you that once he realises what you want, he’ll be more than happy to oblige.

  10. Good luck with your husband I’m just a horny man not married yet and my religion won’t let me fuck until I get married so I can relet to sexual frustration plus I like fifty shades to my only advice is us men are stupid we need to be told what to do I like the idea of hot dominant sex but some guys need to be told the first time anyway best of luck to you.

  11. I would suggest speaking to your husband about this first, then maybe just taking charge and showing him exactly what you want. Maybe buy some sex toys, vibrators etc.

  12. OMG this hits home! It’s hard to even understand where this feeling came from or started for me but I am in the same boat. One thing I have learned over the years is that men can’t take a hint. Sometimes they don’t even hear the same words we say. So I keep trying and get a little farther along, then he’ll think he went to far and we’ll be back a step or 2. What’s the saying 2 steps forward one back?

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