It’s About Time We Had The Cyber Talk

The day our family of 6 maxed out our phone data package for the month, I knew we were in trouble. For the record, we had a BIG data package.

I was noticing some subtle changes in our kids. It started with 2 of them sneaking their phones to the dinner table (a big no way in our house) and texting with one hand while the other hand was forking in potatoes au gratin.

We let our children have phones once they turn 11 but with limited use. As they grow older and mature we allow Instagram, Facebook and appropriate games if they manage them responsibly.

However, more and more silence was starting to replace conversation except for the continual pings announcing phone notifications. I would peek into the living room only to find 4 kids in the same room with their faces glued to tiny screens. Often I would try to engage in conversation only to be met with blank stares and glassy eyes.
As we continued to see a decline in a healthy family life, my husband and I knew it was time to start figuring out what alien had broken into our home and stolen our children. Clearly, the guidelines of phone use were not being observed, meaning moderation. Communication was being replaced by technology.

The withdrawal at home, school tardiness and decline in grades made us wonder if something terrible was going on at school or with friends. Attempting conversation revealed nothing so I decided to check their app use and text messages.
I warn you, don’t ever do this unless you are fully prepared to deal with whatever you find. I wasn’t prepared, by the way.

I got on one of their phones to check it out and was so disappointed by what I found. I guess I should be thankful because I didn’t discover any naked people (mom for the win, at least on that one.) However, the rough language, topics of conversation and downloaded apps were not what I had envisioned for my kids. I felt betrayed when I also discovered we were being lied to.

Our house went into a serious meltdown once the kids knew we had discovered their questionable media use, especially when we found how much the privilege of technology had been taken advantage of.

Upon discovering all this information my husband and I made some serious decisions before sitting the kids down to discuss the new rules and why they were being put into place. We reiterated these weren’t simply guidelines or suggestions. If they chose to ignore them, their phones would become ours. However, we also wanted it to be a conversation and to discuss the reasons WHY we were setting these boundaries.

We had the kids hand over their phones so that we could delete certain social media apps we felt weren’t appropriate and explained why and the risks often associated with them.
We would continue to allow Instagram as long as we are followers on their page. As for facebook accounts, we had to be mutual friends.
Phone passwords can’t be changed without telling us the new ones. At any time we can ask for phones to be turned in so we can check their text messages. Media browsing is now done with adults present, not in their bedrooms unattended. We don’t allow them to enter any type of chat rooms.
At 7pm each week night all media goes on hold, except for homework. Phones are turned off until the next day. We instructed our kids to let their friends know.
And if that still isn’t enough, we have parental controls in place on our computer and our phone carrier sends us a weekly report of every site our children access on their phones.

Does this sound a little obsessive compulsive? This is one of the few times I am OK with it.

Yes, they were mad when we got on their phones. Yes, they told us they felt we invaded their privacy. Yes, they told us we were overreacting. That’s fine.
We are supposed to be advocates for our kids. It is up to us not only to keep them safe, but to teach them responsibility, respect and self management.
It also required us to take action and educate our kids while reinforcing the values we had been trying to teach them, plus the reasons behind it.

It’s amazing how adept our kids are with the use of electronics. I admit, I have to ask them for help when I can’t figure out how to work my phone or computer program. The sad thing is I notice kids still using social media in social settings. It seems like the days of making eye contact and having actual conversations are a thing of the past at times. My kids would even text one another WHILE IN THE SAME ROOM! Everything is communicated on a screen instead of in person and we seem to live one Facebook post or one Instagram picture at a time. So often we aren’t embracing the moment for what it is. We tend to miss so much when we view life through a tiny screen. Oh the glory days of letter writing and rotary phones!

However, there is good news to report as a result of our media intervention. We have started seeing the benefits! It is true that we still struggle with communication as the pull of media is ever present. We have to be intentional and consistent about our media fast. Dinner as a family helps in ways I never gave it credit before. I’m starting to see more interaction between all of us again. Our kids are starting to volunteer information about their day and I’m not competing with the phones as much as I used to. Of course, there will always be room for improvement.

I remember the afternoon I asked my daughter, “Aren’t you taking your phone?”
to which she replied, “Nope, I don’t need it.”

I swear I heard angels sing.

By the way, we stayed well below our data usage this month.

To learn more about how to have the chat with your kids, tune into a live Q & A about Parenting in the Digital Age:

The Cyber Talk event will take place on the Get Cyber Safe Facebook page.  In advance people can RSVP to the CyberTalk on the event page .  Watch the conversation and be able to ask questions, and get the answers you need to open this important discussion with your family. All chats will be moderated, and parents will not be shown on screen. Each chat session will be 30-45minutes in length and will include talking about keeping children safe online and on social media, what controls should be in place, and cyberbullying.

And, for a little fun, enter for a chance to win a $50 VISA gift card to purchase the safety software best-suited for your particular family.(Please know you may enter across many blogs, but may only win on a single blog. Entrants must be a resident of Canada.)

 
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“Disclosure: I am part of the Bell Media – Cyber Safety blogger program with Mom Central Canada and I receive special perks as part of my affiliation with this group. The opinions on this blog are my own.”