The birth of your first child. Or second. Or third. What are your initial impulses and feelings? Every mom’s story is marked with unique emotions, expectations, and confusion at the gap of how she thought she’d feel and how she actually does.
My first-born was an emergency c-section. I was overwhelmed with his presence, my recovery and the bittersweet mental playback of his delivery.
When I got pregnant with my second there were sighs and heads tilted sideways as doctors and friends listened to my instinctive need for a vaginal-birth-after-c-section (VBAC). Not many people, my husband included, rallied around me with encouragement and support.
So I googled, I stretched, I exercised, I relaxed, I prayed. All tiny little blocks trying to build up the footing to have a case to stand on that I could do this. My body could do this.
And I did. Or we did, the little tiny baby girl who came two weeks early.
After the delivery my sister sat with me and asked me what it was like, a journey she was facing in almost identical footsteps. These two births were just so different. What would I do again if I had the choice?
That natural and rapid delivery felt like I was being drowned by a tsunami. I was full-on seeing-stars terrified to see what my body was capable of doing. I couldn’t imagine going through labour of that intensity ever again.
The C-Section left me with more of a let down in my body, and even if it is misplaced – in my womanhood. My recovery was like crawling up hill on hands and knees versus the little speed bumb of the VBAC. Though, the words ‘scheduled c-section’ were bouncing around during the second pregnancy. They floated over my head like a calm little cloud ready to swoop down and pick me up before I hit the tsunami.
Right after each delivery I had said ‘never again’ , but we all know I’ll get that special reproductive-phenomenon called MOMNESIA and I will hope to do it again.
And I will hope for a VBAC.
Because having a VBAC was one of the most empowering events of my life. I looked at my body with so much pride, amazement and trepidation. I felt part of the ‘womanhood’ in a red tent sort of way. I was present, even when I didn’t want to be. It was something I was desperate for in a way a child is desperate for whatever is wrapped in the prettiest paper.
And through all the doubts and canned responses about ‘you don’t want it to happen again do you?’ I did it, and I fearfully loved it.
4 Comments
My first birth was an emergency c-section and I recovered well from it. Was I a little disappointed that it wasn’t a natural birth…some. Did it matter….no because I had the most wonderful gift in the world….my son. And he was healthy and safe. My second birth was also a c-section under the advice of my doctor. I was open to a VBAC and we just played it by ear to see how things went and when baby was not here by a certain date, I had another section. Again was I disappointed that I would not get to experience a natural birth….a little but again, it didn’t matter because I now had another beautiful son and he was also healthy and safe.
I understand you are just sharing your thoughts and experiences but I get tired of the whole “how did you delivery you baby?” and idea of feeling less of a woman and mother or a part of womanhood because one had c-sections. All that matters is that I have two wonderful little boys who think their mom is pretty awesome. I am a mother and embrace motherhood with everything I got and it doesn’t matter how these babies came out of my body!!
I really appreciate this piece, and “The Red Tent” reference ;). Best of luck on your third, H.
I am currently working with a Doula as we head for a VBAC. My son’s birth was one of the most emotional traumatizing things I ever went though. It left me at the edge of baby blues and looking toward that dangerous depression. I gave up on my body and then gave up on nursing. I just had to get some control back after having all of it wrenched away…
this time I will ONLY go c-section if my next baby is breached. I know my body can do this. I have a team behind me and a great OB that respects my wishes. Thank you for posting this, I understand how you feel and I hope to share in the joy you experienced when you overcame.
I am so thankful that I didn’t have to go through that. We all have a birth story and yours is beautiful!