All I Want is Another Child

Compromise.

When my husband and I disagree, the most logical solution is to compromise, meet in the middle.
Sometimes that isn’t always easy but in the end, bending and sacrificing just a little bit for the person you love, to see them happy, is the only way to make things work.
Here we are completely at odds, on total opposite sides of the fence. There’s no middle to meet in, not this time.

He won’t give me a child.

I love this man, I’ve loved him since our very first date. (though I won’t admit that to him) He is without a doubt my soul mate. He drives me crazy and works every single nerve that I have but at the end of a long day all I desire is to join him in our big comfy bed and feel his body next to mine. He is my very best friend in the entire world. If we ended things today I don’t think I would ever fully recover, he’s part of what makes me who I am.

In the early months of dating we discussed how we weren’t “kid people” (even though we have three children total from previous relationships) we laughed at the thought of having more children and pitied friends welcoming new babies. Children would never be a part of our plan, we agreed.

That was before.
Before we gained custody of his two children, before we got engaged and then married, before we started this amazing yet exhausting life together. Honestly, it was before I could even imagine living the life I have today. I didn’t want a baby because my life style wasn’t suitable for one. I was still adjusting to starting life over after a few very rough years, I was having fun with little responsibility while still searching for who I was. When I met my husband, he was a weekend dad, at most. His house did not have beds for his children and very few toys, if we hadn’t had discussions about his children and weren’t from the same small town, there would be little evidence that he was a father. My daughter was living close to full time with her dad while I went through my adjustments and put the pieces of my life back together. The first few months we shared together were fun, reckless, and carefree.

Then it all changed, all at once, in a one-week period.
we gained joint custody of his two children, moved in together, my daughter was also spending a lot of time with us, I worked full time and went to school, while he worked crazy hours. There was a big adjustment period to say the least and not nearly enough hours in a day. Through the tears, learning, accepting, and all that other emotional stuff that comes with change, I dove right in, I went from little responsibility to putting every ounce of energy into my instant family of five.

I will say, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I didn’t kill him while planning our wedding, though I came close. The first month of marriage was HARD, I cried nearly every day, but we made it through that too. College was a nightmare in the beginning. Work, kids, and school is a lot, too much at times. But here it is, a year and a half later and I won’t say every day is easy, but we have all found our groove. We’ve adjusted, we’ve thrived. Life is stressful but one of the most beautiful things about change and growth is being able to look back on how far you’ve come. It’s truly amazing.

So here I am asking for this baby, the baby that he has the power to give but not the heart.

His reasons are valid.
Kids are expensive, kids are annoying, kids don’t let you sleep, he likes our alone time together, our three kids are older, kids weren’t part of his plan.

This is where I struggle, the very same reasons he has for not wanting to give me a child are things that I didn’t let stand in the way of us becoming the beautiful family we are today. Two step-children are expensive, kids of all ages are annoying at times, who doesn’t like alone time, and believe it or not even at ages six and ten they are still a factor in lack of sleep. During becoming a Step-mom and wife, I’ve had highs and lows, successes and failures. There’s been days I’ve cried because this life wasn’t my plan and truthfully, it’s harder than I could have ever imagined. Every day starts over after twenty-four hours, the hard ones leave as quickly as they come, and on the hardest of the hard days there’s one thing I am sure of, God’s plan is bigger than my own and my life is full of love.

The glitch in my plans that threw me for a loop are the very reasons I wake up daily with a grateful heart.

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