Life as a parent is hard. But you can unburden yourself from the pressures of raising a perfect child by just getting a little less “hover” and a little more “chill.”
Here is an easy guide for what you should say to your kids when you lower your standards:
 
I will no longer be cutting your grapes and hot dogs: Chew. Or learn to self-Heimlich.
 
There will be no more assisted ass-wiping: Skid marks never killed anybody.
 
Board Games: It’s time for you to lose fair and square. Your ass is going down in Candy Land.
 
Dinner: No more gluten-free, non-GMO, free-range meals. Pour yourself a bowl of Cap’n Crunch.
 
Mandarin, Russian, Math, And Suzuki Violin: All lessons on a long hard road to Harvard are cancelled effective immediately. You’ve got it or you don’t.
 
Nanny Cam: I’m turning it off. Do whatever you want in the privacy of your own bedroom.
 
Germs: I’m throwing away the hand sanitizer. Sorry kiddo, life is risky.
 
School Bus: I will not drive behind it on field trip days. Transportation is provided.
 
Dioramas: I’ll give you a shoe-box, but that’s where I draw the line.
 
Other Homework: I graduated; this is all you.
 
Indoor Trampoline Birthday Parties: We’ll always have other plans.
 
Shoes: I’m buying you lace-up sneakers, and I’m not tying them for you.
 
Swim Lessons: Sink or swim, baby.
 
Supervised Playdates: Hang in the basement with your friends. How much damage can you do down there?
 
Baths: No more bubbles and mermaids.
 
Take care of your own grooming: I hear unkempt hair repels lice.
 
Life is so much easier when you’re a mother who doesn’t give a fucker!
Jennifer Scharf is a humor writer with essays published in McSweeney’s, Scary Mommy, Mamalode, The Mid and more. Follow her on Twitter @momcoms and Facebook.

Jennifer Scharf
Author

Jennifer Scharf is a freelance writer with essays featured in McSweeney’s, Scary Mommy, Mamalode, The Mid, BLUNTmoms and more. You can follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

4 Comments

  1. I think I’ve found a kindred spirit. I teach 11-12 year olds, who have parents that may need some of this advice. My own troop ranges in age from 16 to 26 and have learned the hard way that, “Mom is kind of mean…” Thank you for this!

  2. Yep. Anything they can do themselves. They should.

  3. Stickler

    Suzuki. Diorama. Might want to run a spell check.

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