Dear cherished, young adult children of mine,

First off, stop laughing. I do know I’m technically no longer middle-aged. I’m well past it unless current life expectancy rises dramatically in the next twenty years. I’m hoping not, as I do not want to live to be 100 years old. I’m already beyond fed up with many of the yahoos on this planet and will have had enough of life’s bullshit a while before I hit my tenth decade and let’s not get into climate change right now. Moving on…

It’s May and Mother’s Day approaches once again. Long gone are those early morning Mother’s Day “surprise” breakfasts in bed – with shitty, burnt toast or gooey pancakes heavily topped with chocolate chips that you carefully placed on a tray. Same for the adorable construction paper cards with slowly crayoned poems inside that were copied from your first-grade blackboard, and the wobbly clay pot you painted a vivid yellow with bright pink flowers (I think) and small fingerprints all over it. Yep, I still have it in a box somewhere.

Now that you are much older and have a bit more cash than you did back then in your piggy banks, I’d still actually love a homemade card. No poems necessary, just maybe a few words of appreciation for my status as your mother and maybe a little thanks for the obscene amount of money we’ve spent on your food, clothing, orthodonture, and college educations. Some nights I lie awake and think of all the fabulous travel I could have done if you didn’t exist. But then I remember I really like you both most of the time, and you’ll be choosing my nursing home someday, so very I’m glad I have you, and I can just watch some YouTube videos about the Greek islands.

And while I do admit that receiving a few flowers or a bottle of wine might be nice, I’d much prefer a gift or two that cost absolutely no money at all.

Here are a few things to consider, as I look ahead to your next visits home.

A relationship status update upon your arrival would be lovely. You know, are you “talking to” someone currently? Just “hanging out?” Having sex with no strings attached? Taking a break from even wanting to contemplate a relationship? Engaged to anyone? Moms like to know these things. Save us from having to slyly ask six questions over four days and just put us out of our damn misery with a ten second info dump the day you walk in the door.

Add on to that your current food guidelines. In fact, write them on a sticky note and attach it to the fridge. Are you vegan this month? Paleo? No sugar? Organic sugar? Never drinking soda again or wanting me to stock up on your favorite childhood root beer? Better yet, just say you’ll be cooking dinner for us every night. A Mom can dream.

And speaking of kitchen issues, how about you promise to do a crumb check once a day. Take a look at the countertops. With both of your eyes. Bend down from a few different angles and sweep up all those cracker crumbs, cheese shreds, and other bits of mysterious food particles. How can I be the only soul who fucking sees them? Also, pleeeeeease communicate to me before there’s only a few dribbles of coffee creamer left. Perhaps you have forgotten that a caffeine-deprived Mom is not a joyful Mom.

Another delightful gift would be timely explanations of the current slang you are using. When I look at you with a furrowed brow after you make a comment, just know that I have no idea what one of the words you just spoke means, so please bestow upon me a quick translation. I’m not fluent in TikTok videos and every hot take on Twitter.

Could you also please install the latest versions of every damn thing on my laptop and phone? And delete those apps I never use. And show me one more time how to add a fun filter to my Instagram story. And tell me which of my shoes are way out of style and if Justin Beiber is still cool? K thx. What’s that? Ummm, no, I’m not getting rid of my side part. I promise you that I tried the middle part thing a month ago and looked like Robert Plant from a 1977 Led Zeppelin concert.

So basically, just make my Mother’s Day great by being good, thoughtful people and not assholes. You’re off to a wonderful start in that regard.

Taking out the trash and walking the dog without being asked is quite lovely as well.

I’m so grateful to be your Mom. And you’re welcome. XO

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