When Veronica Partridge’s husband confessed that he has a hard time keeping his eyes off other women’s bums, it was rock-hard confirmation for Veronica that she needed to take immediate and drastic measures to save him from himself: She needed to change her pants.
I know just how Veronica feels. My husband has been noticing the abundance of yoga-pants-clad women too. I catch him looking at other ladies’ rear ends all the time. Just the other day we were in the mall food court eating pretzels, and after careful scrutiny of many shapely passersby he said, “What’s with all the tight pants everywhere I look? Is that a thing now?” I told him it was totally a thing now.
Later that evening, my husband and I engaged in sacred holy matrimonial coitus during which he may or may not have entertained fantasies involving leggings in order to enhance his overall experience of the operation. And I’m okay with that. Because orgasm.
I’m totally kidding; I really have no idea what my husband was fantasizing about while we were boinking, or even if he was fantasizing at all. Maybe, whilst he plunged his impurity stick deep into my hot, narrow gorge of eternal suffering, he was one hundred percent tuned in to me. Maybe I’m more than enough sin for him.
But if my husband was thinking about someone other than me, I don’t believe yoga pants would be his go-to fantasy. He’d probably be more likely to think about a woman who wears elegant clothing and simple, tasteful makeup that screams “I’m no hussy!” He’s really into that stuff. When a woman like Veronica walks by he basically gives himself whiplash. And who can blame him? After all, is there anything more sensual than a well-groomed lady who knows exactly how much skin not to show? Because then a guy gets to use his imagination to visualize the virtuous flesh playing hide-and-seek beneath all that fabric… Scandalous, isn’t it? Way to keep it subtle, Veronica. Men love that.
I wonder how Veronica would feel about that.
I dunno, maybe some people would go crazy for this wild-woman-of-the-forest look I’m rocking. Who am I to make assumptions (as Veronica does) about what ignites or extinguishes lust in another human being? Some might find my frizzy, over-grown mane and profound lack of concern for modest-yet-fashionable attire downright irresistible. Surely there exists a statistically significant percentage of individuals who would unwittingly wander right into oncoming traffic trying to get up close and personal with my cascading split ends and threadbare sweats. And it would be all my fault if they got hit by a car, I guess, if Veronica has anything to say about it.
I wonder if, while changing her pants, Veronica thought of all the other gentle sins that inspire lust in our wayward souls… like short shorts, high heels, pearl earrings, a body fresh from a workout or a shower, some pretty thing that can’t be had, rosy cheeks, a fingertip in the mouth (careful when you eat chicken wings in public, Veronica), a raspy voice, the innocent bat of an eyelash, a warm summer breeze or… absolutely nothing at all.
Oh geez, I’ve got to stop this; I’m making myself horny. I need to stay focused on my husband and his terrible impure feelings.
Focus, Kristen.
Focusssss….
Actually… on second thought, maybe I will take off these yoga pants after all.
34 Comments
What a hilariously perfect fuck you to Veronica. Can’t get enough of Kristen’s writing!
Thank you so much! =)
This is awesome. Absolutely perfect!
Thank you! xo
Heh… you used the word “assumptions” in your essay and all I can think about now is “ass hump-tions”. You just proved your point (once again) that lust can indeed be ignited by anything, depending on the human being involved. Nicely done!
Great. Now I’ll never see that word the same. lol
I can’t stop laughing. I love you Kristen.
And I love yo ass right back!
OMG, I had to read the original blog post by Veronica to really appreciate yours. I never have had a problem with a man that I am with, including my husband I was married to for 20 years, looking and even commenting to me about other women. I never understood trying to “make” him stop looking at women I might have considered crawling into bed with! It’s natural. I am a firm believer that women dress more for other women than for men. Well, I guess all the men in Veronica’s path are safe now, never will they have to battle those demons of wanting to have their way with the yoga panted seductress. OMG, really??? Love the post!! <3
i couldnt help but find myself reflecting on something you said – “women dress more for women than they do for men.” Do you mean that women tend to dress in a way that will get the attention/respect/acceptance of other women more than the attention/respect/acceptance of men? My tentative observation would be that women often don’t seem to really get how women and men perceive beauty/fashion differently. If women really were more preoccupied with impressing other women – would fashion really be so “sexy” so often?
This is a great point. I think women do enjoy feeling desired to a certain extent, or maybe more accurately: to feel desirable. It’s a fine distinction and certainly varies wildly from person to person. That is one reason catcalling is so offensive (to me) – if you don’t know what a woman’s wishes are, if she has not explicitly expressed her feelings to you, then it is never okay to assume what her intentions are. =)
BTW I don’t mean “you” as in “you personally” – I mean it in the general sense. =)
Yes.
You are my yoga pants-clad hero 😉
Yayyy!!!!!
Sounds like Veronica’s decision hit a tender spot with you, Kristen. In reading her reasons for abstaining from wearing yoga pants and leggings in public without a longer top to cover her womanly curves, I didn’t get the feeing that she was trying to preach or condemn anyone who chooses to do what she has chosen to not do. Unfortunately, I get pretty strong preachy condemnation vibes from this article. Guess Mama never taught you that if you can’t say something nice…
Veronica sounded like a higher-than-though moron who needs to get a couple laughs, and learn to laugh at herself. Her article was comedic rubbish. I thought your article was very funny, Kristen.
Her feelings on the issue were made clear. Her judgement was implied. She encourages rape culture with this kind of “men can’t control themselves and it’s our job to not entice them” mentality. It is disgusting and dangerous and deserving of mockery. I had written two versions of this piece – one was rational, well-considered and researched, and the other was this one. In the end I didn’t feel her opinions warranted a serious feminist rant as a response. My mama taught me to stand up for what’s right, and I damn well did.
Kudos to women who:
– stand up for what they believe is right;
– express their beliefs rationally and thoughtfully;
– carry themselves with self-respect; and,
– treat others with dignity.
Ironically, I think both you and Victoria would believe that each of those points would apply to you. Although you and Victoria disagree regarding your personal choices regarding this subject, I believe that you still have much in common. No one deserves to be mocked for holding a dissenting opinion.
Your denial that men tend to be very visual creatures, just as women tend to be relational creatures, is just as dangerous as {your assumed conclusion of} Victoria’s encouragement of rape culture. Just as men are responsible for not objectifying women, women are responsible for not presenting themselves as objects.
My god daughter can’t understand why she can’t find a lasting relationship, yet her spare time is spent partying in revealing clothing, and she often dates the men she meets at the bar where she works. She promotes herself in mostly visual/physical ways, yet she’s surprised that boyfriends aren’t interested in her much past sex. See the cause and effect there? She offers the shell of who she is, attracts those who only want the shell, and is disappointed over and over again when they don’t consider her intelligence, feelings or humanness.
Perhaps the strands of silver throughout my blondness gives me different perspective on life. It’s too short to poke fun at people – poke fun at ideas, events and objects, by all means – because it essentially dehumanizes them. Feminism is supposed to be about realizing that humans are equally valuable and capable regardless of gender, not the oppression of those who don’t fit into a loosely determined batch of ‘approved’ beliefs. Believing in the right to dignity of a select few, such as those who share your particular Weltanschauung, is no different than the oppression of misogyny.
If feminism is about humans being equally valuable and capable regardless of gender, then why should women dress a certain way to protect themselves from men who, in your world view (there’s an actual English word for it) are not capable of controlling themselves? You are blaming women for what men do – THAT is mysoginy. Feminism is about women being able to be out in public without being judged for what they wear, for their bodies, and for the same behavior that society finds perfectly acceptable in men. I feel sorry for your goddaughter that she is not learning those values from you – instead, you are judging here. That’s just sad.
Oh my God, best response ever! Barbara you are brilliant at expressing yourself. I hope you write a book because I’m buying.
Yes and yes and yes. Funny and a fuck you, but thank you for the mockery. She is perpetuating rape culture and the objectification of women as well as dehumanizing men as virtual sex bandits. It’s ridiculous and she should be called out for it. Leggings for everyone!
I think that Veronica is praying for you… hilarious and thank you for saying what we are all thinking.
You are so welcome!
Great, absolutely great post. But you already knew that, didn’t you? 🙂 My husband always talks about dark and long hair women, very tall and slim. Fantasy is ok, as long as it stays in head. I have my fair share of them. Veronica, God bless you. And all of your followers. Thare shall not be joga pants. Aleluja!!!!
Thanks!
You forgot to mention, eating a banana in full view of males. Those things should just be kept at home. 😉
Laughed out loud, Kristen!
STOP IT YOU ARE MAKING ME HORNY.
(Kidding. Probably. 😉 So glad I made you laugh!)
Hilarious and Perfect.
Thank you! xoxo
Hilarious and brilliant! I’m convinced you could make the dictionary entertaining.
You SHUT IT. That’s a really nice thing to say. =) xo
I’m a Christian and I agree with Veronica’s post. I also think your post is a funny alternative view. I just want to share that Veronica has made another post in response to the comments from the first post and coverage on television, etc. You might be surprised by some of the things she writes in that post.
I also want to share that you’d probably be shocked by some of the things in the Bible about sex. Check out Bible.com and read the heck out of it. The Bible is a freakin’ awesome love story. It’s all about how God loves YOU. And it’s all about marital “boinking”. 🙂 Somewhere a long the line, probably when people stopped reading it so much, things got confused and people don’t get it that God is always good. It’s when you distance yourself from him that things go wrong. (sin = distance from God) The ultimate life that God invented involves lots of awesome sex. You’re cheating yourself if you don’t want the awesome sex God wants you to have. So if you want a good orgasm, read the Bible and live by it. Since it’s designed by the creator of the universe it’s guaranteed to be away more mind-blowing.
Hilariously perfect. Real Housewives of Deep Woods Kentucky killed me.