Food is fantastic. I love it. You love it. We all fucking love it, and we know good food when we see it. At the bakery, that slice of chocolate cake practically jumps straight from the case and onto our asses before we have even paid for it. One glimpse at a juicy steak, with perfectly charred grill marks makes our mouths water. So, if we all know what delicious food looks like, why do people spend so much time making it look like something else! Why can’t our food just look like food?
It all started a couple of years ago with the ridiculous cakes. All of a sudden it was cool to spend $1000 on a cake that looks like a pair of shoes, a guitar, or a hamburger. You know what else looks like a hamburger? A fucking hamburger. And you can buy one for $5. Why not enjoy a delicious hamburger-that-looks-like-a-hamburger, then enjoy a nice piece of cake-that-looks-like-cake?
Why disguise cake anyway? Everyone knows that shit is delicious. Except when it’s covered in fondant. You know, to make it look like a hamburger. If I ever pay someone to cover a delicious cake with something as disgusting as fondant, please stab me in the face.
Just as I was making my peace with over-the-top cakes, I ran across a tutorial on how to make cookies look like chalkboards. I thought my brain was going to explode. I’ve never been hungry and thought, “You know what I could really go for right now? A f*#$ing chalkboard.” I know what you’re thinking…. “Why are you so mean? Back-to-School chalkboard cookies sound adorable.” Yeah, they weren’t Back-to-School chalkboards, which would still taste like shit, but would at least make sense. No, these were Christmas chalkboards, with holiday greetings scratched on them with edible chalk.
Yes, I said edible chalk. When did that become a thing? And where do you even buy edible chalk? And why in the world would you want to? But, my real question is: How long is it going to take to write holiday messages on 100 chalkboard cookies with EDIBLE CHALK?
Answer: Longer than I would ever spend making delicious cookies taste like crap. I’ll just make some nice pancakes Christmas morning and my kids won’t even know they’re missing out on chalkboard cookies. I’ve got pancakes down!
Then I saw the pancake art videos, and I wanted to strangle someone. I know the internet did not mess with pancakes! Pancakes are my jam. Been making those things for 12 years and I hardly ever burn them anymore. Now these sick bastards want me to stand in the kitchen for an extra 30 minutes writing messages on pancakes? Oh, hell no! Isn’t it enough that I even made pancakes instead of just chucking dry cereal at my kids in the back seat of the car on the way to school?
It could be worse. At least my poor, plain-pancake-eating children still get nice, homemade lunches. Surely that makes me “Mother of the Year” or something. Right?
Wrong! Apparently I suck at that too. Have you ever hear of Lunchbox art? Yeah, that’s a thing. I guess my kids nice little sandwiches, and homemade granola bars aren’t good enough anymore. Compared to “lunchbox art” lunches, they really look like a box full of shit. Because how can you compete with people out there who are chiseling their kids cherry tomatoes into a miniature Statue of Liberty or sculpting their kids’ muffin into Elsa from Frozen.
Why internet? Why?
Do people seriously have so much time that they need to make perfectly good things look like other things? Has hiring someone to spend 12 HOURS decorating a cake that is going to be demolished in 20 seconds ever made a party that much better? Are kids really going to starve if we don’t make their sandwich into a fucking Van Gogh? I don’t think so. In my house, food will continue to look like food.
And they better eat it with a smile.
Robin lives in Northern California with a bunch of lunatics who seem to think they’re her family: a former US Marine, turned tattoo artist; a son who wants to play in the NFL; a daughter who once shit in a litter box “just to see how a cat feels”; 4 chickens…..AND a Pit Bull with an anxiety disorder. Her work has been featured in many well known publications, such as: her own blog, other students’ essays, and examiner.com. Before her glamorous writing career, she worked as an insurance agent, a welfare case worker, and a naked chick at the Playboy mansion. When she’s not pretending to be a writer, she can be found blasting rap music at stoplights, because she’s a straight thug, (and by “straight thug,” she means a nerd who once lived in Baltimore).