When I was younger, I had a few close friends who were guys. Had you asked me then if I believed that men and women could be friends, I wouldn’t have hesitated to answer: abso-fucking-lutely! Those were the days when we thrived on complication, after all. It was the time to blur those lines, to dive into the unknown and to entertain the what ifs and why nots as we so fancied. Throughout the teen years, even extending into our twenties, those blurry-lined friendships were our right of passage.
Just Friends…
I’m sure you had a few of those relationships in your time. You know the ones. You’d spend hours on the phone or hanging out together, talking about whatever the hot topics were in your teen world. You may have even messed around once or twice, just to test the waters. You were never a couple, always just friends with a few elements of couplehood thrown in there. And when one of you was in a relationship, things would inevitably change but you were still friends. Boyfriends and girlfriends just had to accept your friendship! Chances are they too had friends of the opposite sex and it would’ve been considered possessive and controlling to expect that to change.
It’s Complicated…
Male/female friendships might have appeared simple at the time but chances are they weren’t. They were usually tainted by a one-sided ideal of what the friendship could possibly become. They were also often fuelling half of the duo’s ego, while he or she sensed the feelings of the other and relished in the attention of it all. Or perhaps there was the appeal of: keeping options open, with the notion that at another time, a relationship may be on the cards. I would also guess that some of those friendships were created to simply fill time…
Socially United…
Now, don’t get me wrong, there were plenty of friendships that didn’t have the above mentioned elements but they were more social unions that occurred within groups. These male/female relationships were not complicated at all. They consisted of fun times in social settings. They didn’t extend to late night phone calls nor did they consist of any soul-revealing conversations or one-on-one just friends time together, which is why they remained uncomplicated.
Simplicity is where it’s at…
Now that I’m older, and married, my husband is my only true male friend because I honestly believe that men and women can’t just be friends…
Are you with me on this one? No? Head over to Martinis & Motherhood so I can convert you…
4 Comments
I am TOTALLY on board. Many of my friends think I am old fashioned and/or nuts but it’s always complicated with male/female friendships. My husband I agree that there is no place in our marriage for either of to become close friends (going to lunch non-work related, calls just to catch up, etc) with a member of the opposite sex. Why invite trouble?
I think the concept is pretty black and white and in that way, I can see why it sounds old fashioned. But, for me, I am just not interested in navigating through the complications that can come with male/female friendships. Maybe I am missing out? But keeping it simple works for me, and obviously it works for you too! Thanks for commenting Pam.
Men and women CAN be friends..so long as there is honesty amd integrity. I had a female friend for over 20 yrs.( she passed away 2yrsago). Other than my wife,she was my best friend. We could tell each other things we wouldn’t admit to our spouses. We could just vent and not take offense. She had been a friend of my wife’s family for years,so of course,my wife trusted her. So as long as the circumstamces are right,they CAN be friends.
I feel bad for people who adopt this limiting attitude. It’s old-fashioned and very heteronormative to assume that a man and woman can’t be friends. I don’t pick my friends based on gender, I pick them based on character. People in relationships should have enough integrity not to cheat on their partner just because they happen to be friends with someone of another gender. It’s so weird to me to discriminate and cut off great potential friendships just because of someone’s gender.