A number of months ago I decided to engage in a social experiment by joining an online dating site. I noticed a number of phenomenon/complications that were not a thing when I was dating before I met my ex (possibly because I was 15).
1. Below the Belt Selfies From Complete Strangers. For the love of God, you’re a stranger, I believe you have it, please just no. Because I’m super cheeky, my stock response is all eBay buyer like: “Your photo does not provide sufficient information for me to evaluate the dimensions of this merchandise. Consider adding something to establish scale, like a lighter or a pop can.” The only way you’re gonna make this girl smile doing that is if you add googly eyes or something. I’m also in the wrong line of business to provide you with any meaningful diagnostic/medical evaluation of whatever it is you are sending, so you are wasting both of our time. My kid uses this phone to play Angry Birds, so you basically just exposed yourself in a playground.
2. “In a relationship, but it’s complicated.” It’s really not, I swear. You’re with someone or you’re not. I’m not here auditioning for Sister Wives, I don’t want to move to Bountiful, but mostly I don’t want someone slashing my tires. If you aren’t sure, ask her, maybe at the breakfast table when you are deciding who’s driving the carpool this week.
3. The coffee date. Love/hate. Love: Good way to gauge how likely it is that you will hack me up and leave me in a trunk somewhere to die. Hate: They tend to me more job interview like in consistency. “Tell me about a time when…” Gag! I do not excel at interviewing. I’m an introvert. Please submit your questions in writing. Also what to wear to a coffee date? Do I have to shave my legs if I’m buying my own coffee? Ugh. Maybe FaceTime me. We can drink coffee in our own houses and I won’t feel bad about wearing yoga pants over my hairy legs.
4. Strange lack of collateral contacts. Online dating brings you in contact with people you wouldn’t normally have contact with through the magic of the internet. In some ways that’s great, broadening horizons and all. In other ways, it’s like buying meat or produce with no best before date and the label removed out of the back of a van in a random parking lot. You end up with a smoking deal or E. Coli.
5. Too many collateral contacts. The theme song to my experience was the timeless classic “It’s a Small World After All”. At first it’s kind of endearing and comforting, until it starts to grate and you just want to enter the witness protection program. That awkward moment when I’m pretty sure the guy that just asked me out is the guy who bags my groceries and Sunday’s shopping trip is gonna be awkward since I just used my line about establishing scale on him (see point 1).
6. The Fallacy of Good Lighting. The majority of men are impressed by a well put together professional looking lady at a coffee shop. They are also going to be somewhat disappointed by my usual to and from the gym look of “I’m going to sweat in it anyways so what the heck”. Maybe we could start off with me all pink and smelly post Zumba spilling latte foam all over myself and then you can tell me if I’m cute? It would be a time saver and you will thank me for it later.
7. Start the car! My inbox of introductory first messages was divided pretty evenly between men who wanted to marry me like NOW and gross things I would never let my grandma read (ewwwwww, is that legal? I don’t even know what that is. I was kidding about the pop can. Just no.) What overwhelmed me were men who really liked the “idea” of me and were very pushy from the get go, picking out curtains while I’m sitting here on our coffee date trying to evaluate from an actuarial perspective the likelihood of my own dismemberment. “Tell me about the time you completed the PCL-R. In what percentile did you score?” My answer for everyone stampeding to the altar had to become “Your interest is really flattering, and I know I’m awesome but you don’t know me well enough to know that yet, so maybe just wait and see. Plus I grind my teeth, talk in my sleep and have paralyzing bridge and tunnel phobias. Fun facts.”
8. People who don’t read profiles. Being a single mom contacted by folks who don’t like kids is like being a butcher being asked out by a Vegan. I think the worst was having dinner with an extremely vocally racist man who openly and LOUDLY mocked minorities in a restaurant. This occurred while I sat there in quiet horror wondering if he saw the part where I’m First Nations. Racism is a terrible mood killer, particularly if you are trying to dating someone who admires Jane Elliott and is active in Employment Equity and Diversity.
9. Trying to pick out people from photos. I should be really good at this but actually not so much. It’s also, apparently, really intimidating to say stuff like “I stare at mug shots all day and this is really hard to do after work too”. I’m a girl, my hair colour and cut changes every six weeks. It’s hard, walking into Starbucks and feeling like you’re participating in a lineup. Is THIS the man who message me? I don’t know, maybe if I squint and tilt my head to the left this will be easier.
10. Text Speak. Never a good first impression, particularly if you are chatting up a girl who self identifies as a sapiophile (see point 8). “hey. how r u? wut u doing?” is going to get you something like “Enjoying the dictionary in audio book format while completing my taxes manually. Happy fishing”. You are super attractive but if I have to spend all my spare time mentally correcting your spelling and grammar we are going to have a problem.
I learned a lot about myself and human behaviour in my brief experiment. I met some really amazing new people, reconnected with some people from my past and present, and drank a LOT of coffee. Did I get my happily ever after? I guess we will just have to wait and see.
(This post originally ran on Sparkly Shoes and Sweat Drops.)