Recently, I announced that I am going to stop filtering myself. Yes, readers, I HAVE been holding back. I know this is frightening. It frightens me, too, but I do need to be more honest in my writing. I’ve already been pretty honest when speaking. I have seen people’s faces twitch when I say something brutally honest. It gives me that warm Christmas feeling. So, in the spirit of communicating like Sophia on The Golden Girls, here are some Facebook friend clichés, along with sample statuses, found in EVERYONE’S friend list.
Concrete Charisma
Nothing but eight pack ab gym selfies all the time. They also post “facts” about how carbs are evil and everyone should eat an entire cow every day. He or she always has a recipe for brownies made out of organic cat sh*t and black beans.
“Just ate a quarter of a teaspoon of mashed potatoes. I need to do a complete colon cleanse and double my gym time.”
Sportsy McSports Sports
Every damn day there’s another post about “the game” or “that player who got traded” or “tickets to the game.”
“Somebody smack the ref. WE had the ball on the 29th down. Beer!” We? I don’t remember you getting off the couch, suiting up and playing, Mr. Sportsmeister.
Lookin’ for Love in all the Wrong Places
You know this person; you may be related to him or her. You very well may BE this person. There are tell-tale signs, like a lot of baby mammas/daddies, hangovers and a few court dates. These people are always in love — for real this time.
“After years of procreating with psychos, I have finally found the one. He has 13 kids with 19 women, no teeth and he’s unemployed. Cupid has hit me hard with this magical arrow.”
Because Jesus
We all have that religious friend who is always asking for “prayer warriors,” or posting the, “Share if you are not afraid to say you believe in God,” memes. I’m not afraid; I just don’t believe. And what the heck do prayer warriors look like, anyway? Do they wear suits made out of gold-plated Bible pages? Is there glittering war paint involved?
“Praise Jesus for these wonderful tater tots. Truly blessed.”
Yeah, about 40 people are going to unfriend me for that one.
Speak and Spell
This person needs a first grade grammar primer, STAT! For the love of Dick and Jane, have they stopped teaching basic punctuation and spelling here in ‘Murica?
“ru going to county fare if so cn u give rid” WTF does that even mean?
Crazy Cat Lady
She is just one cat picture short of having whiskers tattooed on her face. You know the woman sits on her couch day and night, stroking cats and talking to herself.
“Andre has a Hitler mustache but he is still mama’s baby.” [Raises hand and hides face in shame.]
The Baconator
All this person posts about is — wait for it — bacon. That is all. He (it’s almost always a he) probably eats ice cream out of a bacon bowl, with bacon bits on top.
“Here’s my recipe for salad. Bacon, bacon and bacon. Lol”
Mr. President
This person blames the President for everything from gas prices to erectile dysfunction. “Mr. President” should just run for president since he has the same know-it-all attitude of your average 16-year-old mall rat.
“I just stubbed my toe and spilled my Mountain Dew on my unemployment check. Thanks, Obama.”
Monsanto Warrior
You swear this person probably never eats because EVERY food is toxic. He or she probably pulls around an IV pole to avoid any GMOs or pesticides, ignoring the possibility of toxins from the plastic IV bag.
“DO NOT eat carrots. Monsanto has created carrots that will make you grow goat ears and squeal like a pig.”
Manic Mom
This mom has her kids in AT LEAST 27 strange activities, and that is just on Tuesdays.
“I’m painting my nails and sipping a quad espresso, skinny, vanilla latte while the kids are at their trapeze artistry with watercolors lesson. Today, they’re hanging upside down and re-creating a Monet.”
Well, I’m off to check my friends list. I’m sure at least nine people have defriended me already. The others haven’t figured out how to defriend on the Facebook phone app. What other types of Facebook friends do you have? I know I missed some. Let me hear from you in the comments section.
(This post originally ran on The Huffington Post.)
About Lisa R. Petty: I’m a three-cat crazy writer who also happens to have two dogs, which means I spend a lot of time talking to animals. They haven’t started talking back, but they do blog on Petty Thoughts.
I started writing when I was 7, when I would jot down alternate plot lines for the Saturday morning cartoons. Misfit Academy is my first published novel. I am currently writing The Lizard King Club, a novel that explores what would happen if certain members of the 27 club reincarnated. I also like to blog, eat my husband’s delicious cooking, embarrass my teen son and spend way too much time on Facebook and Twitter.
9 Comments
OK, I love this. I’m all about filtering out that shit. First of all, learn to spell. It’s one thing to use OMG or LOL, we all know what that means. If I see one more person misuse “their” “they’re” or “there” I will break the Internet. Secondly, well, thirdly and fourthly and all the way down your list. I’m with you. I’ve been filtering too. Not filtering myself, filtering out the BS. It’s a good thing. It keeps your world more authentic and you don’t have to wonder wtf these people are thinking when they blame Obama for their, I mean they’re, car breaking down. Praise God and for the love of dentistry!
The prayer warriors and sending prayers for every thing…”my turtle is sneezing..please send a prayer” that drives me nuts!!! I have plentry of religious friends and usually I’m fine with it(being an athiest), but when it happens too much my eye starts twitching like I’m going to go into a satanic trance.
How about the annoying super mom or dad thing. I’m so great…look what I did with the kids today. Look how awesome my kid is. I have such smart awesome great better than everyone else’s kids kid. She eats such good food. She is becoming Mozart. Such an awesome dancer. Blah blah blah.
How about “Look at the sculpture I made out of my kid’s sandwich and so many toothpicks they can’t even eat it”?
hahaha! This is awesome–AND SO ACCURATE! My favorite are the angry open ended posts:
‘OMG, I AM SO FUCKING PISSED RIGHT NOW. YOU DO NOT TREAT SOMEONE THIS WAY! And that is all I am going to say about that!’
What.The.Fuck. Why did you type out half of your rant and click ‘post’ if you knew you weren’t going to complete said rant? First of all, I am pissed you even posted the start of the rant, now I’m pissed at both you AND ME for wanting to know what the end of your stupid post was even about. And, no, I WILL NOT be the asshole to comment and ask ‘What’s going on? What happened!?’. No. I won’t do it. Even though I totally want to know…cause I am pathetic like that….
The “Defend Obama at all costs” bleeding heart liberal. The OTHER Mr. President that blames the GOP for the state of the world and the cost of gas and destruction of raniforests and the extinction of the dinosaurs.
And the disgustingly creative “Elf on the Shelf” moms that I want to punch in the throat.
Tina, you must have the same friends as I do!
How about the militant Atheist? The one who responds to any prayer requests with “Sorry, can’t pray, I don’t believe in fairy tales!”
(Same irritation applies, actually, to ALL who stuff their beliefs on others. You know what they say… belief is like a penis. It’s great that you’re proud of yours, but I don’t want it waved in my face.)
Or the cousin to the President- the armchair Politician. “I AM A *insert political party of choice here* AND ALL OTHERS ARE IGNORANT/BAD/STUPID.”
God forbid you should share something that could remotely be construed as having any political connotation at ALL. This guy/gal will leap into the fray with his/her combat boots on and guns-a-firin’. S/he comes to the convo loaded for bear and either conservatives or liberals, depending on their sport of choice, and blasts away at anyone who dares oppose the policies of their beloved political party.
Gotta love Facebook! lol!
So much love for this! My personal fave is the “perfect hubby” posts. “OMG Hubs and I had the most romantic night ever. He bought me flowers and took me to my favorite restaurant and is the best in the whole world. Love you, sweetums!” Gag me. Also, if your husband is the best in the whole world then I guess that means everyone else has inferior husbands comparied to your Adonis? Good luck getting a lot of “likes” on that post!